Trying to order some ‘pizza’ while at a friend of friend’s house one night
A group of us had tumbled back there after a boozy session in the pub, all with the firm intention of acquiring some delicious Columbian cuisine. I only knew one person in the house, with him knowing everyone else thus making me a virtual stranger to the rest of the group, time spent in the pub beforehand aside.

We weren’t having much luck, with the best estimate from the many pizza delivery people we’d called being at least a couple of hours. It was a Saturday night after all, and lots of people wanted pizza.

“Try playing the sympathy card with this next one” I said, as my only friend in the house began ringing yet another contact. “Tell him one of our mum’s has just died or something, and we’re trying to cheer him up a bit”.


How the hell was I to know that one of the guys in the room had lost his mum to cancer just a couple of weeks earlier?

I really wish I was making this up.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:09, 1 reply)

We had a happy, clappy born-again Christian temping for us.
She used to call me "Detective" because of my hat, and was very smiley and lovely and happy all of the time.

One summery Friday morning she came in, "Good morning, Detective!" she said happily, "What a beautiful day God has blessed us with again - just in time for the weekend!"

"Yes Emma" I said, "And every day is but another step on our unstoppable march towards death."

She was quiet for the rest of the day.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:02, 2 replies)

A pal of mine...
...walked into a newsagents one morning to find the shop crowded.
"Heard the news?" somebody asked, "Lady Di's dead".
His reply of, "What happened - did she finally fall off her pedestal?" didn't go down too well.
(minimalist ..., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:02, Reply)

FIRST!

(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:50, 7 replies)

I once pointed out on a message board
that being offensive and/or rude intentionally is not the same as being tactless.

What a cunt I am.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:44, 14 replies)

At the pub
I told my mate that was wearing a red sweater that he looked like a walking miscarriage a bit too loudly and got a glass of wine thrown over me by a passing girl.

Inconsiderate as hell, that was my favourite t-shirt.
( Regger, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:42, Reply)

When I worked at a large finance company in Bristol
We had some clients in, a team of women, all around 40 or so and very corporate - shoulder pads, trouser suits and big hair...

Anyway, our manager was disagreeing with them over the specific details of the contract and was getting very wound up as he was not getting his way. End result was a disagreement over SLAs where he loudly proclaimed (in a room full of women, only about 3 guys there) that whoever had agreed to the SLA and thought it was achievable was an "absolute fucking cunt"...
( zulu eh?, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:37, 3 replies)

Once while playing the drinking game "I have never"...
I came up with the question "I have never been worried about my mental health".

This did NOT make me very popular. In my defence I was pretty hammered so not exactly at my most functional.
( wangmaster2000, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Hahahaha, I have no tact whatsoever.
My best friend and his girlfriend recently had a baby. It was the first time we'd seen her and he'd brought her over to my mum's place so much cooing and making faces at the little one was taking place. I don't really like babies much, so I'm sitting in the corner being grumpy. Mate's girlfriend turns to me and asks me if I want to hold her, and before I can really stop it the first thing to come out of my mouth - in front of the doting parents, my mum, sister and girlfriend - is "Can't I wait until she's 18 and then hold her?"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:06, 8 replies)

I think I've mentioned this before...
...but my ex boss, on receiving a phone call informing her that her friend's son had terminal cancer wailed 'Oh why do these things always happen to me'.

Mind you, this is the woman who started an affair with a man from her villiage while his wife was in a coma after she had thrown herself from the top floor of Horsham's multi storey car park. Although I guess he's even worse than her in that scenario, but neither come out smelling of roses. Smelling of each othet's genetalia maybe, but not roses.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 10:01, 4 replies)

Jailbird who will hunt me down...
When I was a young trainee solicitor I was sent up to the High Court in Edinburgh to look after a young guy. He was appealing against the length of the sentence given to him : 5 years for breaking into an old lady's house and holding her hostage (of sort) with an airgun before nicking some cash and doing a bunk. Now if someone did that to my gran I'd happily kill him but when I met this guy he was a miserable shambles. He was 19, had had an incredibly shitty life to date and was clearly not quite intellectually all there. Frankly it was clear that what the guy needed was not The Jail but someone to give him a job and a bit of guidance in life.

Anyway, the Scottish Judiciary upheld his sentence and I had to accompany him down to the cells. His mum and aunties were all down there and the place was a river of tears. The court officers huckled them away and their hands were outstretched and they were crying "son, son...". He was sobbing, gutterally, in an extremely undignified way. It was quite moving and upsetting.

Anyway that was that - the guy was in tears and he was being taken back down to the court cells pending transport to Saughton Prison so I offered all the counsel and advice that my weeks of experience in the criminal court system had given me. Which was

"I'll see you in about 5 years then."
(Rammer, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:55, 4 replies)

Oh yeah
Crashing a wake. Accidentally. We just walked into the pub and ordered a drink, then noticed there were sandwiches and stuff laid out on the bar so I started eating one.

At this, a guy walks over and says 'Excuse me. Do you realise this is a wake for Dr. such-and-such. I don't think you're invited, are you?

My mate Griff looked around the half-deserted bar and said 'Sorry mate - we didn't realise. I mean... he's not exactly drawn a big crowd, has he?.'
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:52, 9 replies)

my mate jimi is ace.
I'd told him stories about my mother-in-law-to-be, he laughed it all up, he likes to laugh at others misfortunes. He's great like that. Anyway, the future wife had spent the night at her mothers as she was due to move to Italy not long after (the mother-in-law, not the wife).

Me and Jimi had got drunk.

Sunday morning comes, they pop back for a few things, I make myself busy in the kitchen, the future wife pops upstairs, the mother-in-law waits in the car, she's not one for socialising. Jimi went to have a look at her through the curtains.

"Good god!, it's like looking into the eyes of the devil!" shouts Jimi from the living room.

"er... Jimi, the windows open..."

"...shit..."

Future wife gets in car. Car drives away. Quickly.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)

"Wow! You're pregnant. Again!"
made tactless not only by the fact that she wasn't, but also by the 'again', which unfortunately seemed to imply that she shouldn't be trying again after having had a miscarriage last time.

Oops.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:35, Reply)

He just didn't have the stomach for it...
I have advanced foot-in-mouth syndrome. I predict a few posts this week...

DaddyRakky was diagnosed with bowel cancer when I was 11. Due to a combination of excellent medical care and shear Northern bloody-mindedness on his part, he managed to last another four years before it finally became too much for him. He dealt with it in his own way, by refusing to discuss it or acknowledge it, and carry on as if nothing were happening. He also asked that we not tell people, beyond the immediate family and friends who needed to know as he didn’t want pity. It’s maybe not ideal, but it was his choice and we respected it.
Towards the end, he had increasingly frequent operations to remove parts of his bowel, and decide whether removal of the liver metastases was appropriate.

Mum and I were sat with a family friend, one of the few who he would tolerate in his weakened state, waiting for him to come out of yet another surgery. Mum was understandably upset, and was sniffling into a tissue; she spoke to her friend, “He’s an awkward sod you know, but I’ll tell you one thing. He’s got guts...”

“Not any more he doesn’t,” I piped up.

Fortunately Mum saw the funny side and still now, when reminiscing about Dad, brings this story up.

And it still makes us laugh till we cry.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:07, 8 replies)

unhappy meal
a few days after my 21st, i ran into one of my best friends, who'd been invited to the party but hadn't shown up.
"why couldn't you make it to the party?" i asked.
red-eyed, she explained to me that she'd gone to visit her father that day and found him in the kitchen, dead.
"oh my god, that's terrible! i'm so sorry! if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"
"he got a meal from the chippy on the way home from the pub and choked to death on a sausage."
i sincerely hope that my bursting into laughter was purely a reflexive response.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:01, 12 replies)

A relation was telling us about her forthcoming trip to Las Vegas. I've been there so I told her, and the other rellies present at my mother's birthday tea, all about it.
'Don't bother buying any clothes! There's a HUGE clothes shop where they sell everything, really cheap, with every item in every size! Right from 00 up to, oh I dunno, MAHOOSIVE! We were amazed!'

My point was that in the good old US of A, if you want it, you can have it. However, as the person I was mainly addressing is gigantically fat, that might not have been the most thoughtful choice of examples.

My sister in law later congratulated me on my tact. I think she was joking, not sure.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:00, Reply)

When I was about 24, I split up with a girl who at the time I thought was the love of my life.
We were supposed to be going out with my family for a Father's Day meal, and I turned up alone, a wreck, barely holding it together. I explained to them what has happened. My Dad gave me an awkward man hug, my brother gave me a slightly less uncomfortable hug and told me he was sorry but things would be OK. My Mum said 'Well, that's great, we're going to look stupid with a spare seat at our table'.

There may be more stories about my Mother this week.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 8:19, 6 replies)

My ex's cousin had surgery to remove part of her bowel
An insane surgeon persuaded her that the best way to combat an very bad eating disorder was to staple her stomach, fucking butcher. It went wrong and part of her intestine/stomach was starved of blood and basically died inside her and it had to be removed before it killed her. I went to see her at hospital post op. I got back from the hospital and my ex said, pale with worry, "How is she? how's she feeling?"

"Gutted" I said.

There was silence as my body heaved with suppressed mirth
( simbosan liked your link on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 8:16, 1 reply)

I'm having great difficulty hanging posters up

(El_diablo_blanco, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 8:15, 1 reply)

Ex-girlfriend pearoast
After a holiday away (with her parents I should add) I thought it would be a good idea to tell her that I had been going to ask her to marry me but had realised I actually didn't want to....unsurprisingly this killed the relationship stone dead, right there.


EDIT: After posting this this morning I bumped into her for the first time in about five years at lunchtime, whilst I was chatting to the woman I did marry...coincidence?
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 8:11, 3 replies)

German exchange student
We had a girl start at our school, ostensibly for a week. She lasted one day. This may have been down to the fifth-years:

1. giving Nazi salutes
2. shouting "Sieg Heil!" whenever she appeared
3. organising a large group of themselves to goose-step up and down the playground at breaktime.

I mean, WWII had only been about 37 years previous.
(rogerzilla, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:49, 14 replies)

It was my Grandma's wake.
The death wasn't unexpected. She'd been ill for a long time so it was one of those times when it's as much relief as anything. Gran was a game old bird and would have hated a sullen affair so the mood was reasonably jovial under the circumstances.

A group of people were sat on some chairs outside and as it was a nice day, more came to join with space being made for them by extending the circle. After a while, a large ring of people had formed.

A prim-and-proper neighbour of ours (Babs) came out to the garden and shoved her foot firmly in her mouth by saying, "Look at you all in this big circle. It's like you're having a seance!"

After a brief moment of jaws hitting the floor, my cousin piped up, "Yeah. We're trying to bring her back!" Neighbour Babs was crushed and went home not long after.

I hope it doesn't make me a bad person to say that was the highlight of my day and still makes me smile to this day.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:46, Reply)

On my first ever date with my now girlfriend
I took her to see Saw 5, of all films. I didn't buy her any popcorn and kinda ignored her throughout the entire film cos I was too engrosed in it.
Still, didn't put her off though. I must be quite a catch. Either that or she was desperate.

*been going out for 2 years today
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:34, 7 replies)

My First Pea
How wonderfully FisherPrice.

*wavy lines*

So I'm sixteen years old. The girlfriend has come around to my place for the day, the folks and the sister are out, and the afternoon is ripe for lovin' -- or at least, kissin' and some awkward groping, which is the best a fairly shy guy such as myself could have expected.

But something is wrong. From the moment the ladyfriend walked in the door, she seemed a little nervous, a little distracted -- basically, the complete opposite of her usual self. After I realised something was up (it took about an hour or so... I'm really that observant), I asked her what was the matter. She refused to tell me. We played that game for a while (What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh, the one I would soon come to recognise as an old favourite), but I eventually manage to get it out of her. In a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike anything I've ever heard her say before, she comes out with:

'I've... you know... *shaved*.'

For some reason, my mind doesn't quite realise what's going on, so I respond with, 'Wow... Well, I have to say, it looks a lot better. I didn't want to mention anything, but I'd definitely noticed a little bit of fuzz there.'

All the while, I'm gesturing to her top lip. The lip that, in fact, was not one of the ones she was referring to.

There was to be no more fumbling that day. It took three hours for me to get her to even speak to me.

Length? Not insubstantial, but firmly out of sight that day. I was lucky she didn't rip it off.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:03, 3 replies)

Schooldays

When I was about 7, the headmaster called us all to assembly and gently told us that one of our schoolmates had been run over and killed. Then he lectured us on the dangers of roads and to always use a crossing and follow the Green Cross Code. At the end he asked if there were any questions. A voice piped up from the back:

"Can I have his bike then?"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 3:45, 19 replies)

Another...
Again, as a youngish lad. When all my dreams consisted of getting stoned or a handjob. I went to call for my friend. I knocked on the door, but got no reply. I knew he was in, so I started hammering a bit louder. Still no reply. I then started shouting and throwing stones at his window when his mum swung the door open teary eyed and barked 'we're all watching Princess Dianas funeral with Grandma and Ben is not coming out to play, slamming the door in my face.
(Fridgy, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 3:22, 2 replies)

Witness the Christmas
When I was about 18, I went to pick my mate up to go to our usual Xmas eve piss up. I thought it would be nice to drop a christmas card in to his parents. There was a house full of his mum and dads 'friends'. So I ignore the advise of my mate to 'get the fuck out of here' and I burst in and wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS in a silly voice. Turns out his parents, and the house full were all Jehovahs Witnesses who as it happens, hate Christmas. And subsequently... Me
(Fridgy, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 3:08, 6 replies)

I was taking International Relations at university
because I had to have at least one political science elective. The class met on Mondays and Wednesdays at 9am, which meant that I had to bring my coffee into the class with me and finish waking up during the lecture. As a rule I sat in the center of the front row- it was easier to get a seat, and I never had a problem reading the notes he put up on the board.

One day he started teaching us the theories of Karl Marx. It was a rather broad overview, of course, but he explained Marx's theory that if society worked together cooperatively, everyone would only need to work a few hours a week, leaving most of their time for higher pursuits such as music, literature and art.

I listened to this for about five minutes, coffee in hand, blearily glaring at the board, and growled, "What a crock of bullshit."

There was a collective gasp from the auditorium as the professor stopped in his tracks and turned to me. "Why do you say it's bullshit?"

I took a hit of coffee and said, "Marx apparently didn't understand human nature. Humans are basically lazy and greedy. Communism won't work for the long term."

The professor looked astonished. "Why do you say that?"

"Look, if humans weren't inherently lazy we would still be hunter gatherers. Why did agriculture come to be? Because Thog got tired of chasing antelopes and bashing them on the head with a stick for food. He didn't want to wander around the woods looking for berries, he wanted them right outside his house. Why do we have technology? Because we don't like having to spend our efforts in basic sustenance. You drive a car to work because it's easier than riding a horse or walking. We have grocery stores because we don't want to kill animals and skin them every morning.

"Humans are also greedy. We want the most we can get for the least amount of effort. That's part of why we have police, to keep the stronger guys from beating the shit out of the smaller guys and taking their stuff, right?

"So if the government is feeding you, clothing you and giving you a place to live, what motivation do you have for not just staying drunk and sitting around your house wanking? Altruism, that if you don't work the society will collapse? Not likely. Some will work harder to keep the system going, but others will slack off. The way the Russians countered that was with secret police and brutality, but even that didn't work very well.

"Marx is full of shit."

The professor listened to me all the way through, looking increasingly amused, while the rest of the class was frozen in terror. We then spent about ten minutes or so arguing it back and forth before we agreed to continue the discussion after class, and he finished the lecture.

I got an A in the course, and we were pretty good friends for the rest of the year. Tactless though I was, at least I contributed to his class...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 2:12, 15 replies)