It was Halloween in 1998
and I was sitting on some stairs. They were in the student union of my second university. It was my first year, so I had been there about a month. There were two notable things about me that night. Firstly, I was rather fetchingly dressed as Satan, secondly, I was completely wasted.

A girl walked up to me. She assured me in no uncertain terms that I was a bastard. I asked what I had done, and if she liked my red flashing plastic devil horns. It was what you said to Abbi earlier, she said, and by the way your devil horns are rubbish. That's not nice, I replied, I like these horns, and anyway, who's Abbi? Don't pretend you don't remember, she said. Read the last paragraph, I replied. It clearly states that I am both dressed as Satan and wasted. Do you like my red plastic flashing devil horns?. That's Abbi over there, she said, and your horns are still rubbish.

I strained my eyes through the gloom. It was dark and my view was obscured in part by a few dozen people dancing badly to Steps.

She's the one with the bright red hair, she said. I bet she's got a great personality, I replied, by which I mean that I find her physically unattractive. You made her cry, she said, you are a bastard. I shrugged. I can't remember, because I'm wasted. Tell me what I did, though, I might want to post it on the internet one day.

What follows now is a reconstruction based on some very vague memories, what I was told, and some educated guessing.

Abbi walked up to me. Hi, she said. Hi, I replied, Do I know you?
I'm Abbi she said. I'm cs1ca, I replied. We looked at each other awkwardly.

I like you, she said, I've been staring longingly at you for weeks.
Great, I replied, I hadn't even noticed you existed.
I've wanted to talk to you for ages, she said, but have only now summoned the courage.
Do you like my plastic flashing red devil horns?
Not really.
Oh.
Like I said, I really like you.
That's, er, nice.
So, er..
Look over there, behind you, where I'm pointing.

She looked over her shoulder, but saw nothing.
She turned back around. I was physically running across the room.
(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 0:11, 8 replies)

If only you'd turned off the flashing lights
They would've never found you!
( Xenctuary ~xenc., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 0:23, closed)

The irony is
that I ended up being quite good mates with the girl who called me a bastard
(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 4:02, closed)

Brilliant storytelling. Clickedy click. Love it :)
( user_names_suck, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 1:26, closed)

what, were you 12?

what were you doing at uni? was your dad the cleaner?

because acting exactly like a giant autism, and not even having the self-awareness to be ashamed of it, makes you look exactly like a cunt.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Sun 6 Nov 2011, 3:36, closed)

I can't actually
remember doing any of this, therefore no shame!

To answer your other questions:

1) No, I was 22
2) Classics
3) No, he's a plumber
(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 3:47, closed)

You can't remember it,
therefore no shame?

have you even thought about that at all?
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Sun 6 Nov 2011, 6:00, closed)

Nope

(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 11:08, closed)

refreshing.
carry on! =)
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Sun 6 Nov 2011, 11:43, closed)

username tinnitus
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 6:32, closed)

*previous*
/pedant blog
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 5:34, closed)

So your story is -
you scorned the advances of a supposedly pretty, young woman because you were wasted. I have to be really honest here and say that THAT has never stopped me. I should qualify that with - I've been a SNAG mostly & when they've been to wasted I've been at least honourable.
& then you only managed to "friend" the messenger.
My call is - missed opportunity on 2 counts. You waster pussy!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 7:42, closed)

I don't remember any of this
therefore no regrets.

In my defence, a female acquaintance of mine had assured me earlier that 1) she would definitely be out that night, and 2) her long term boyfriend would not be down that weekend. Unfortunately 2) changed at the last minute, and effectively scuttled 1).

If there is a happy ending to this story, it is that I did eventually get to ruin this second girl's long-term relationship using only my penis.
(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 10:59, closed)

& that for you is "strike 3"
You're outta here!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 12:11, closed)

Yeah,
I failed to have sex with two girls whom I found unattractive, one of which had no perceivable interest in me.

I'm so lame.
(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 12:40, closed)

Shut up & fuck off back to the dugout
didn't your coach teach you that the umpies word is final!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 13:49, closed)

*Traipse* *traipse* *traipse*

(cs1ca, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 13:59, closed)

Thank christ you didn't flounce!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 22:43, closed)

Thank christ you didn't gloat

(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 7 Nov 2011, 3:56, closed)

Hey, great
the guy that thinks I'm a cunt and the guy that thinks I'm a pussy look like they might start arguing.

I might finally find out what kind of vagina I am.
(cs1ca, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 9:18, closed)

A sloppy, unshaven one with big crusty scabs on it. And with a greenish-yellow discharge that smells like ham.

(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 7 Nov 2011, 10:16, closed)

ah
so you have met my ex then?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:42, closed)

Dad?

(cs1ca, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:49, closed)

hahaha, I've done something similar in a nightclub
Got one hell of a slap for it too...she had builder's arms :p
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 14:41, closed)

And you told her she had builder's arms, right?

( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sun 6 Nov 2011, 16:42, closed)

Have a click
Sprinting in the opposite direction from emotionally charged and awkward situations is a trait that I can truly associate with. Well played my man!
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:48, closed)

Call me a pedant but...



...nah. Can't be bothered to finish this.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 15:07, closed)