Confunded by kettles and Geordies
My Mother, bless her, has always been a bit confounded by technology and such simple things as email, manual gear shifts. But I thought she could at least manage with a kettle!

She's recently moved up to Newcastle with her partner, and is having a bit of difficulty settling down, partly because her new job sucks, and partly because her thoroughly RP ears have a lot of difficulty deciphering some of the natives.

I went up for a stay recently: fair play to her, she's landed a lovely house, except they'd found the hot water tank was slightly leaky. Never mind, a chap was coming around at 9 o'clock tomorrow to fix that.

Promptly at 11:30, the British Working Man stood on the doorstep:

"Worcumterdeeyerboolerlahk"

Apparently, he'd come to fix the boiler.

My frightfully refined mother showed him up to the hot water system, where in a startling display of industriousness, he whipped off his tool belt and got straight down to it.

"Toongwanoopnexyeeahaye?"

Apparently this was an enquiry as to whether I thought Newcastle would be promoted this year. As a Scunthorpe fan, I expressed the thought that there were a lot of strong teams in the division.

"Haadyergobyerweeshite"

I shut up.

"Gorrablindinthirs, mind"

I gathered he'd probably want a drink, so I toddled down to the kitchen to make him a cuppa.

Now, I'd already received training in my mother's kettle. She doesn't have the regulation type with an element at the bottom, oh no. She has one of these water-filter jobs that actually heats the water on demand. So, quick as a flash, I was back with chummy's tea, and I left him too it.

Ten minutes later I heard a small roar from upstairs.

"Divvenbrangmeshitecuppayerradge!"

Wandering back upstairs, I noted that our poor plumber's tea was indeed a bit shite. There was a grisly purple skin on top, almost a bit like gravy. Only purple. Now I've made a few cuppas in my time, and none have ever turned out like this, so we went to inspect the kettle. There we saw testament to my mother's genius with technology.

Apparently the entire button-push mechanism had dropped off this morning, and rather than doing something sensible like - say - boiling water in a pan, my mother had attempted to fix it. With plasticine.

Bearing in mind that the push button and very powerful heating element were connected, this was less of a success than she might have imagined. Upon pressing the button, the element had sprung to life, the plasticine had liquidised and slowly dribbled down the nozzle, mixing with the freshly filtered water. Very shortly, some solidification had taken place, and an unpleasant waxy topping formed on the water.

Apologising gratuitously to the fuming Geordie next to me, I offered to bring him a replacement. "Or would you rather have coffee?"

He shook his head and quipped.

"Tea, why-aye, ah tek' no wax!"




Good to get it out of your system from time to time, isn't it?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 10:02, 11 replies)

GOD DAMN IT
Right up to the last line.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 11:45, closed)

*spang*

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 24 Aug 2009, 12:25, closed)

I'm clicking that
Just for the sheer amount of effort that went into such a tenuous pun. Nicely done.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 12:28, closed)

HA!
Have a click. Especially for the fact that it was semi-related AND the pun.

(P.S. Up the Iron!)
( unsey a frizzy haired fruit since, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 13:16, closed)

I
heartily endorse this product and/or service.

*click*
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 13:55, closed)

I normally hate these
but that was fucking genius.
(keyboardman, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 15:03, closed)

Fucking brilliant!

( Bob Todd whee, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 20:25, closed)

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD.




*click*
( admiral crunch holds the newsreader's nose squarely, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:53, closed)

Racist!

( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 12:00, closed)

That's bloody marvellous!
Have a click, you utter, utter cunt.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 15:32, closed)

for fuck's
sake *click*
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 6:51, closed)