Football trip to Venice
When I was 17 our football team went to Venice – by coach! It took 18 hours and on the way back we were doing stupid teenage things to pass the time. One guy was telling the story of how he saw someone stick a condom up their nose and pull it out of their mouth. Being the boastful twat I was at that age I loudly declared that I can do that.

The only girl on the coach (the managers daughter) produces a condom from her handbag and says ‘go on then’. Bollocks. Everyone’s gathering around and there’s no way I can get out of it. Obviously I’d never done it before and I wasn’t even sure how to do it but I couldn’t admit that now and was faced with the onerous task of performing this stunt.

I took it out of its wrapper, unraveled it and proceeded to snort it up my nose. The pain was excruciating and soon the taste of spermicide kicked in started making me gag. My eyes were streaming as I put my fingers into my mouth and tried to grab the little bit of latex that was now dangling in the back of my throat. I managed to snag it whilst my gag reflex was going into overdrive.

I flossed my nasal cavity a couple of times before whipping the condom back through my nose. I was in a lot of discomfort – too much to enjoy the rapturous applause I was receiving from my team mates. The worst thing though was the constant nasal leakage that I experienced all the way from the Swiss Alps back to London. I can’t explain why but my nose was leaking like a blind lesbian in a fish shop the entire way home. I didn’t have any tissues so had to make do with the curtain on the back window.

By the time we got back to London the curtain was as stiff as a board and you could have broken it over your knee.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 5:30, Reply)