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This is a question Terrible food

Back when I was a student, we had a "clear out the fridge" party. Everyone brought what they had left and the idea was to make a big meal out of it.

The stew/casserole/whatever was going surprisingly well until someone added the tin of mackerel in tomato sauce they'd been hoarding all year.

What's the worst thing you've ever cooked or eaten? Who's the worst cook you've encountered?

[and yes, we've asked this before, but way, way back before we had the fancy QOTW pages]

(, Thu 17 May 2007, 10:23)
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This question is now closed.

Once fell on hard times
Once Tarquin and I were exceptionally poor, we had spent all of our money before daddy's standing order was due to come in. Tarquin and I were discussing possible food outlets, afterall we couldn't cook for ourselfs now could we? We knew that we did not have the funds to go to our usual hang outs, so we scoured the town. We stopped at what seemed like a restruant with celtic heritage, or at least the name would suggest so. My gosh it was ghastly, all they sold were these sandwich like things for commoners. They put hot flesh between them, and it wasn't even swan!

In the end we had to use our emergency credit cards just to buy some caviar and quale to get rid of the taste. Daddy wasn't happy, but what can you do.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:05, Reply)
I was eating a chunk of papaya when my Father came in and said "ooh, did you know that papaya smells exactly like rotting flesh?".

Put me right off.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 13:59, Reply)
Dead flesh.
Back in the 80s whilst living on my own, on the dole and on a low budget I decided that because I was being good by making my own chips (usually potato, sometimes swede) in my little chip pan I would treat myself to some fried bread. (I know, chips AND fried bread.) I'd never seen anyone make fried bread so in my ignorance I floated several slices of bread in the chip pan and consequently ate several slices of deep fried bread, something I'd do fairly frequently. Often I'd not surprisingly feel really vomitous after this, but it was only when I complained to a friend that it would never go crispy or brown that my terrible method was exposed. Even now the thought of that fat-soaked, flannel-like bread makes me feel squiffy.

Oh, and slightly related: I couldn't eat roast chicken for months after realising that the flesh on my plate looked just like the pale and dead flesh on the Victorian bodies that remained preserved in their air-tight coffins. I'll never eat and watch a documentary about people who have to exhume bodies at the same time again - and I once watched a programme about brain surgery whilst eating spaghetti.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 13:33, Reply)
Satay sauce...
... cannot be made by mixing crunchy peanut butter and hot sauce. Well, maybe it can, but it didn't work when I tried it.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 13:20, Reply)
The Egg Man
In Casablanca you sometimes get bar hawkers selling raw eggs to go with your beer.

There I was, in a bit of a dodgy part of town, in a backstreet bar experiencing a bit of authentic Morrocan all day drinking action, with a table of new best pals. Anyway, in comes the egg man, dishevelled dirty looking bloke carrying a tray of eggs. Cue much back slapping and variants of 'come on, get an egg down you mate' in French and Arabic. My polite refusals cast aside, as the table insisted that I took an egg, or risk causing offence, and probably a good stabbing.

The egg man proceeded to prepare my egg, which had clearly been sitting in the heat of the sun for several days, he deftly cut off the top, sprinkled it with pepper and spices to disguise the greenish sulphorous yolk and handed it to me. Everyone else had one too, and then it was one, two, three and down the hatch all together.

Keeping it down was an effort. I just knew I was going to be ill as a result, it just tasted so, so, wrong, slimy gassy cabbbage oyster eggness.

Shat egg water for a week.

Length? Both long, and wide, for added pleasure.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 13:07, Reply)
Bad Cook, Will Cook
I was cooking myself some scramble eggs for lunch a couple days ago and my brother came in, watching me put the butter, the milk and the eggs into the pan. He then said, "That's not how I do it? Is that how you're meant to do them"
"Yeah" was my response.

He then decided to show me how to cook scrambled eggs.
He took out a pan and poured olive oil in. He stirred a couple eggs together instead of whisking them and poured the inconsistent goop that resulted slowly onto the burning oil.

The egg bits skittered round the pan wildly as he stirred it round with a fork only for the oil to separate everything.

The end result was what could only be desribed as a pale-yellow cream coloured gloop that oozed slightly. It tasted revolting but he wolfed it down happily enough. I hope he doesn't get salmonella poisoning.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 13:07, Reply)
It was short for 'Today is special' as every day in Todmorden is...

It is compulsory for the residents there to have a sign next to their beds saying 'First pants, then shoes...'

In keeping with topic, sandwiches left in restroom after meetings for the minions to devour. Warm cheese and onion with curled up bread.....mmmm
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 12:55, Reply)
I did see a sign yesterday on Borough High Street
advertising "BURGETS" for sale

I wasn't sure if it meant burgers or baguettes

I didn't go in
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 12:40, Reply)


Bob Woolmer
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 12:32, Reply)
My girlfriend is a terrible cook
and despite telling her this she still tries to make me meals.

Culinary Lowpoints include...

Steak - Dunno how but I genuinely could not cut it with a steak knife. I'm sure I could have sold it to the army as 'Organic Kevlar'

Fried Bacon and Eggs - It actually came out as 90% carbon. Totally black with speckles of white and pink. However, as we'd had an argument the night before and she was feeling a little low, I ate it without complaint. I spent the next day wondering whether I'd ever shit again and if I did, would I need to suture my arse afterwards (can only imagine how rough a pure carbon poo would be)

Balsamic Vinegar- Man, she's obsessed with this stuff. I normally quite like it. However, she recently cooked spinach and liberally splashed Balsamic vinegar all through it and further mixed in plenty of butter too. Intersting is the word I'd use to describe the result. Very very interesting.

Still, we're engaged now. I cook more.

Length? Hard to get a hard on when you're suffering stomach convulsions...
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 12:11, Reply)
is what they call snakebite in Newcastle, coke and lager is called demon_spunk_for_special_people
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:59, Reply)
pub special
spotted outside a pub in todmorden, tiny freakass town up in w yorks/lancs...


what the hell was on the regular menu if that was considered "special"?
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:56, Reply)
Lager + Coke = Diesel
I think that's what they call it. All the Germans at the TT drink it...well not all of them, but it is commonly asked for.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:47, Reply)
Special offer
I visited a pub in Colchester yesterday with a chalkboard sign up outside offering "Coffee and Muff only £1.95".

Clearly a bargain at any price although I usually find it best not to spill hot coffee on the muff.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:41, Reply)
Weird drink offered
Yesterday i was with a few mates in a pub near Huddersfield, and 2 asked for a pint of lager shandy as they were driving.
"Lemonade pump is bust" said the helpful barmaid "I can do you a lager & coke"
"Are you taking the piss, that sounds fucking disgusting!"
"Nope, they drink it in Germany"
"I don't think they do luv"
"They do, I know a German and she had it once"
"I've had a lot of combinations when i'm pissed that i'd never touch when sober, and i wouldn't even try that pissed - just a pint of plain coke please'

I know its not cooked, but we were having a meal with it. Full marks to the barmaid for thinking on her feet though - although even more marks if she had thought about it for a bit longer and NOT suggested it.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:24, Reply)
in referral to scentless_apprentice
Thats a common thing to do with noodles and bread, but I live with a guy who has eaten that exclusively for 14 months.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 11:22, Reply)
For a bet I will consume the contents.... not a good idea, not a good idea at all.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 10:56, Reply)
Dodgy meat
When I lived in Milton Keynes (Stony Stratford, to be precise) my local Inidan takeaway was named by Watchdog Healthcheck as "The Worst Balti House In Britain". Evidently they were buying meat that had been rejected by the dog food factory up the road. Being a lazy fucker, I was going there a couple of times a week up until that point.

I thought the food from there was alright.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 10:55, Reply)
Laxly reminds me
I dont rate salmon much, and the tinned stuff is shite. My Dad delighted in making a huge show of munching the vertebrae in front of me. Sickbugger. He said the texture was like a fruit Pastille.

What ever, I aint trying it. Ever.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 9:19, Reply)
Another gross drink
Back in my youth, my best friend lived two doors down from me. His house had a huge backyard with a raspberry bush and a gate out into the back alley.

One time we got a bucket and filled it with anything we could think of. Water from a puddle. Chlorophyll we attempted to milk from mashed up grass. Spit. Dirt. Etc.

Then we put it in a nice looking cup and came back to my home. My best friend knocked on the door while I hid (not sure why, guess I thought both of us would raise suspicion). My younger sister (let's say for fun we were ten and she was eight, but I really don't remember) answered, and my friend said "Try this great new drink we invented."

Well, my sister sensing shenanigans refused...unless he drank it first. This led to him raising the cup to his lips, taking a drink, and spitting it out immediately. He must've intended to only pretend to drink but some got in.

And this guy had an IQ of 140.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 9:07, Reply)
Green Drink
MissGriff: We have something very similar to that in Korea.

Actually I like the taste, because it reminds me of Canada.

The worst commercially popular drink here is Milkis: basically Sprite mixed with milk. Contrary to what you'd expect, Pocari Sweat isn't all that bad, and is a helpful hangover drink.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 9:01, Reply)
Spruce Beer
Years ago my enthusiastic Aunt brought over a case of sodas she'd found in a bargain bin somewheres, a shady no name brand concoction called Spruce Beer.

Not actually beer, but soda flavoured like...pine trees. It was basically club soda with pine. Who likes the taste of pine?! After 5 cans of the stuff I still didn't like it.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 5:30, Reply)
To add a few delights
Now, where to start?

Firstly, the lovely Polish Christmas special cuisine I had a few years ago. Carp in a jelly type substance! Now I know why people keep carp in a pond, it's because it tastes foul! Flaky, vile bone filled crap!

In Israel a few years ago I went round to a Thai friends house and was presented with raw pigs ear, sounds disgusting, but as I hadn't eaten any prepared food in about 3 months and the chilli dip was amazing, it wasn't that bad, but I'm not in a hurry to do it again.

However the worst for me is tinned salmon! As a kid at school my Mum would make me tuna sandwiches, which I quite like, however one day I guess she was feeling rich and decided to buy tinned salmon. I open my lunch box, take out my sandwich and I presume it was tuna, until I bite into it, and notice that it's a little "crunchy", confused I open the sandwich and I'm presented with what looks like the spinal column of a salmon sprinkled in my sandwich, I instantly spat out what was in my mouth and threw my sandwiches in the nearest bush. To this day I have never even looked at a tin of tinned salmon without feeling sick!

Oh, and don't get me started on celery!
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 4:13, Reply)
I have just spent the weekend in Manila (oh how I wasn't expecting this QOTW to be so relevent) and, having got rather inebriated with a few friends our driver bought us all balut. Which was nice. Balut look like small duck eggs (largely becasue they are) and are to be eaten whole with a pinch of salt and a mouthful of beer.

I could do the pinch of salt, the beer was easy but the partially warm duck foetus kind of caught on the way down.

I never thought I would say it but I missed the health giving properties of one of North London's best kebabs!

Here is the Wikipedia link of anyone wants to make their stomach turn (and I know you all will!)
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 3:43, Reply)
Expiration Dates
Not mine, but read here the tale of Karl . . . two years gone.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 3:10, Reply)
After a night out at my local pub the chip shop called, as you know at 11.30pm the best thing on the menu is kebab with loads of chili sauce. The kebab was ordered and when outside the chippy i noticed how greasy the takeaway was you could turn the kebab 90 degrees and a torrent of grease fell from the pitta and congealed into a little stalagmite of fat on the floor. Fuck it i'm hungry and pissed so I eat it. Next day i'm sweating buckets and freezing cold and everything I drink comes back up, the same thing happens for three days. That was 10 years ago not had a kebab since.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 2:16, Reply)
I went to primary school with a girl who would chew pens and drink the ink and actually eat playdough...
*shudders* Salty...
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 1:14, Reply)
semen is not full of protien

Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium, and zinc

/learned-the-hard-way blog
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 1:11, Reply)
Hangover cure . . .
After a real heavy night, one of the lads I knew at school told one of our more 'educationally challenged' mates his foolproof cure for hangovers . . .

Half a pint of melted butter. To be drunk warm.

A quite spectacular sight - both going down and coming up again. Put me off dairy for a while.
(, Sun 20 May 2007, 23:47, Reply)
Ahhhh, veggie
The French simply don't understand vegetarianism. Some seven or eight years ago I was away on a history trip to the Lille region of France (from which you can smell Belgium. Strange but true, Belgium smelled like flatulence). We would eat at a grubby local restaurant every night, where we were given a slip of paper indicating what we had chosen (which had actually been chosen some time before). Mine said 'legumes' on it, to indicate that I wanted to eat vegetables. So I handed it to the very disinterested French lady, and in return I get a steaming plate of chicken.

Damn it.

The vegetarian options were terrible anyway, essentially overboiled vegetables. So I lived on chocolate for the week! Top stuff.

Lots of vegetarians have mentioned quorn... now, quorn sausages are just nasty. As is the bacon, that's just idiotic, if you want that why not just eat real bacon. BUT the mince and the larger pieces that they do are just fine! Pretty tasty in fact. But if you want sausages, Linda McCartney every time.
(, Sun 20 May 2007, 23:31, Reply)

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