No situation escalates quicker than a spoiled child not getting what he wants
This young chap had everything he could have wanted. Life had been good to him. His was the life that we all aspired to live. SKY TV, a remote control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but a SNES AND a Gameboy!

One day, in the space of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life of mockery. He was found in the middle of the playground crying his eyes out and throwing a such a wobbler that multiple teachers had to restrain him from bashing his mother with a broken, what to my 7 year old self seemed to be a fucking massive huge, tree branch. What had set him off on this violent escapade?

It was Red Nose Day. His mum had come to school at lunch to give him his red nose. Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new colour changing ones. Instead it was an ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any rational young child he decided that this was a crime that could only be punished by violent stick-based matricide.
(danishbacon is haram yes?, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 20:11, 17 replies)

At least you learned your lesson and grew up into a prick.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 21:19, closed)

It's a gross oversight that the major tabloids have thus far failed to retain your services for a "Dear Dr. Shambolic" agony aunt column.

Someone should do a Kickstarter.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 0:11, closed)

Prickdom is a semi-exclusive club. I turned in my membership card a few years ago. Still, I'm glad to see it's thriving and it's always nice to be recognised by another member.
(danishbacon is haram yes?, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 0:50, closed)

Wordiest "I know you are, but what am I" ever!

(showman, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 1:07, closed)

I try. Not very well, like. But I try.
(danishbacon is haram yes?, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 1:12, closed)

not a patch on this though
www.b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/post1973504
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 23:33, closed)

I see you've upgraded your schtick from "dull" to "dull and needy".
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 0:16, closed)

Alright The Mock Turtle.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 9:32, closed)

I heard he dug up people's personal details/employers as a favour for his former best mate Ringo

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 19:58, closed)

Ha Ha! classic!
Whenever my grandson tells me a rubbish joke that doesn't make sense and isn't funny at all (often!) I tend to humor him for a while, I just haven't the heart to tell him they're rubbish! Eventually it all gets a bit too much for me to cope with and I always wind up coming round to the distant sound of my own voice coming closer and growing louder, screaming profanity at him and calling him a fat bastard over and over again. Mind you, he is Roy "Chubby" Brown!
(immadme, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 17:43, closed)

This might well be the only proper story, this week.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 9:36, closed)

^ what Chubby Fat Hands said ^

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 9:37, closed)

Well I liked it.
Particularly "like any rational young child he decided that this was a crime that could only be punished by violent stick-based matricide."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 9:37, closed)

Shocking violence with a poin-ted stick.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 9:45, closed)

The vermin ought to have been killed.
Anything moronic enough to respond to advertising enough to give somebody a hard time ought to be killed and burned.
We should have none of these excuses for animals at all.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 19:06, closed)

you must be a proper laugh at parties

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 23:31, closed)

Like you have any personal experience of parties.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 20:22, closed)