Daleks
Daleks are a major PITA. Wherever they appear, death and destruction inevitably follow. The monomaniacal pepperpots only know how to do one thing and they do it well. If there's single point of agreement between me and that bastard the Doctor it's that the universe would be a better place without the fucking things. But the Skarosian buggers simply refuse to die out and are always popping up here and there to seek locate and exterminate ‘lesser’ races i.e. every cunt but them. And don't get me started on that wanker Davros.

A long time ago, in one of my early incarnations, I was of an idealistic bent, and you could say somewhat naive. I'd set myself up as a conflict negotiator and my services were much in demand. One day I got a call from the Council of the Ghoji asking me to mediate in a dispute between them and - yes, you guessed it! - the Daleks.

I should have heeded the Lesson of Temmosus and turned it down, but as I said, I was young and innocent. And, with hindsight, bloody stupid. What the fuck would Daleks want a peace conference for? I was soon to find out...

The Ghoji are, or were, a beautiful race; tall, slender, goat-like humanoids. Imagine Planet of the Apes, but with goats. Planet of the Goats, then. They were gentle pacifists with a peaceful and prosperous empire covering seventeen star systems in the Recusmetis Galaxy. They had a highly developed culture, and were fantastic musicians. Seek out recordings of the Ghoji Synthonika, you won't be disappointed. Unfortunately, one day the Daleks turned up on their doorstep. Weirdly, they didn't immediately conquer and destroy as is their usual MO, but instead, when the Ghoji leaders asked for a peace conference, the Daleks agreed. Little did they know at the time that this was only a stay of execution.

The Ghoji contacted me to handle the negotiations, and like a fool I accepted. I rocked up to Ghoji Prime a few days in advance so I could sample some of the local culture and, of course, fuck a load of young rubbery goaty bodies. Come the day of the conference, which took place in a giant glass hotel overlooking rolling parkland. The Ghoji leaders sat on one side of a long table, half a dozen Daleks the other side, and me at the head of the table, slap bang in the middle. To say I was a bit nervous is the understatement of the millennium.

Once the ceremonial glang had been vonged, Mhoam Vlaghmrhm, the Ghoji leader, stood up to speak. A tall, slender, beautiful goatlike being, clad in pastel robes, wonderful lambent brown eyes. She cleared her throat to speak. 'Welcome -'

That's as far as she got. 'EXTERMINATE!' screamed all six Daleks in unison. I ducked under the table as they unleashed their death-rays upon the Ghoji delegation. High-pitched caprine ululations reached my ears as the Ghoji screamed and died. There was a not unpleasant smell of roasted goat.

'Well, that escalated quickly,' I muttered to myself as I legged it from the conference room.

I realised later that the bastard Daleks had only agreed to the peace conference as a sort of joke, to amuse themselves - maybe they had got sick of just wading in and blasting everything to fuck, and wanted to try something different. Or maybe it was to send a message. But I didn't know that at the time and was more concerned with my own survival.

I managed to hide in a broom cupboard, from which I could peer out at a wide concourse. Ghoji were milling about shrieking and being mown down by the Daleks - thousands more of which had landed immediately after the end of the 'talks.' I watched a brace of Ghoji run up some stairs - and a Dalek surge at surprising speed up after them and blast them to atoms.

'Well, that escalated quickly,' I muttered to myself, retreating to the very back of the cupboard and hiding under some towels.

To cunt a long story short, I managed to make it back to my TARDIS and escape. The entire Ghoji civilisation was completely wiped out. I regenerated shortly afterwards, and was never so naive again.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 21:45, 15 replies)

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 14 Jan 2014, 22:35, closed)

WHAT IS THIS COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT?

( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 23:56, closed)

It appears to be Tesco Value Dr Who.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 1:05, closed)

mmm rubbery, goaty bodies.
Shatner shenanigans lolz!
(showman, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 2:19, closed)

You said "cunt".
You did, and I'm telling your mum.
(SlantedScience, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 3:59, closed)

But did you fuck Billie Piper
and was it before or after that ginger twat defiled her?
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 8:47, closed)

Yay,
the Star Wars one.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:00, closed)

Minority opinion
I like this. Please continue.
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:11, closed)

I clicked
Doesn't mean we shouldn't still make fun
(showman, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:19, closed)

I got as far as the end of the first sentence.
But, on the basis that the differences between a Dalek and a mediterranean flatbread are pretty self-evident, I decided that the rest couldn't be up to much.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:44, closed)

Yeah... why is he so angry about unleavened bread?

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 12:15, closed)

he's naan too happy about it
it gets a rise from him
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 12:30, closed)

This mystified me for a while
until I worked out you thought I meant pitta or pita bread.

I actually meant PITA the acronym i.e. 'Pain In The Arse.'

HTH
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 17:59, closed)

But did you ever manage to get your leg over a dalek

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:45, closed)

exspermination

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 16 Jan 2014, 13:40, closed)

Every time you talk about Doctor Who online
it cancels out a time you had sex.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Thu 16 Jan 2014, 12:04, closed)