I used to work in a sales office for a complete and utter cock
His name was Matthew and he basically made me do all his work for him. I'd research the presentations, I'd write the presentations, I'd use one of these here magic computer boxes to design the presentations. Then he'd go and present the fucker and claim the work as his own. Fine. No big deal. I was getting a decent wage. The prick used to keep out my way for the most part and anyway, I'd just been offered a new and better job down in Landan, so I was working my months notice anyway.

But then Matthew committed the cardinal sin. One night while we were out for drinks after work, my then girlfriend Emma met up with us after she'd finished at her pit. Most of the people in this mortgage brokerage were nice, friendly, cheery people. But Matthew wasn't. He was an oily shit who thought he was God's gift to womankind. To cut a long story short I ended up going home that night with Emma. She eventually told me Matthew had attempted - quite well as it turns out - to get his hand inside her bra as she was making her way back from the bogs. Emma started crying. I was fucking livid. If anyone was gonna attempt to fiddle with my girlfriend's knockers in public it was going to be me. But I had no proof and I could hardly go into work the next day and chin the cunt. I needed a reference.

So I bided my time. I knew Matthew, the colossal bastard that he was, would still expect me to sort out every fucking presentation on his behalf. And I did. Impeccably. I came up with some pretty decent stuff in that month. And then on my last day, a Friday, Matthew put a big bundle of paperwork on my desk and demanded I come up with one more presentation before I left. The utter, utter shit. No sitting on my arse doing bugger all on my last day. No.

This presentation was for a very important Midlands-based building society that were looking to use our firm to peddle their wares. It was a BIG fucking deal. Now, I had the dubious pleasure of sitting in on all of Matthews excellent presentations. He was a tedious twat who always stood in the same place to the right of the projector, flicking through the slides without paying them too much attention, leaving them up on screen for far too long to hold anyone’s interest, his dull as fuck voice droning on and on and on...

So at ten to five on my last day I went through the new shiny presentation with Matthew. He seemed pleased. It was a great piece of work if I do say so myself. Then he fucked off a little early to try and get his love stick in one of the poor temps he'd been sexually harassing in the local work's pub. That gave me enough time to fuck about on paint for a bit and put an extra page in the presentation just between the loan to value stats. I knew Matthew wouldn't bother checking over the weekend or on Monday morning. The extra page went something like this:



Then I put my jacket on and left.

The following Monday, sat on my arse watching the test match, I suddenly received five or six congratulatory texts in the space of a few minutes from my former colleagues. They were all rather pleased with my last presentation though apparently the client wasn't...

And who got a in a whole world of shit for this? Matthew. After all, he wrote and checked all his own presentations (for spelling mistakes, factual and gramatical errors, or - as the case may be - impressive meter-and-a-half tall bright pink projected spurting cocks).
( SpankyHanky, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:58, 12 replies)

that is fantastic!
well done that man *click*
(Lord Chode, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:10, closed)

Superb!
More of this sort of thing!
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:22, closed)

Excellent work, matey
There's many a time I'd have loved to have done something similar.

Have yourself a *click*, despite the fact that the picture in this post made it a little harder to explain to my colleagues the "business reason" behind me being on this page...
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:48, closed)

This wins *click*

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 13:34, closed)

Applause...
A big click for you sir !
(sheps, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 13:42, closed)

clickety
You've made my day
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 13:48, closed)

Excellent
Fantastic work
(Fausted Sticking his faust where the sun don't shine, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 14:01, closed)

Good god on a moped!
thats great!
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 14:47, closed)

im gonna have to give this a go one day myself
funny as fuck, mate. funny as FUCK.
(Lizard King, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 14:48, closed)

I've always been tempted by this sort of thing
but never had the guts to do it.

I did once make an alternative version of a presentation which my colleague gave at a conference, which had a naked woman holding a sign that I'd photoshopped some slogan onto, but he didn't use it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 15:04, closed)

Reminds me of the time...

I was made to write a whole host of dull-as-shit 'standard operating procedures' for my old boss...

I knew nobody would care...or even read them...so did my boss - that's why he got me to do his dirty work for him....

So I wrote a title, then simply copied and pasted pageloads of bollocks-tastic unrelated jargon from t'webz, and interlaced it with a huge variety of swearwords for as long as I could be bothered.

I was a bit unsure about doing it after I came up with the idea...So I asked the people of B3ta what I should do.

They told me to go for it.

So I did.

a year and a half later...nobody has noticed.


oh, and *clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 15:34, closed)

Hurrah...
*clicky clicky*
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 20:35, closed)