Twat leaves apple for cleaner and gets her fired.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J4GAq_9Isc

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 16:59, 2 replies)

I once stole a lollipop from Granada Studios on a school trip aged 12
Other than that, beer. I've stolen lots and lots of beer over the years. I've never broken the cardinal rule - never take a man's last beer - and have no regrets whatsoever.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 16:35, 2 replies)

Most
people will know Gareth Bale, as the squeeky clean Welsh football wonderkid who makes millions kicking a ball around but I know his despicable secret, he's a thief and a murderer. He killed a chimpanze and stole its face.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 16:19, 10 replies)

Enzos in Salisbury
In my raving days there was a competition between us little hard housers to see who could steal the largest or most random artifact from a club. Many people returned with wall hangings and such. I however, managed to steal a gold fish. Enzos was a club that was built on to a hotel out in the sticks, a pretty good club as I remember. In the entry area there was an inside pond with lots of gold fish so I bent over and scooped up a goldfish in a pint glass and spent the entire coach journey back to Southampton trying to keep the pint glass upright and topped up with water. This was quite the challenge as I'd consumed massive drugs.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 16:10, 1 reply)

I once stole a lollipop from Granada Studios on a school trip aged 12
Other than that, beer. I've stolen lots and lots of beer over the years. I've never broken the cardinal rule - never take a man's last beer - and have no regrets whatsoever.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:49, 2 replies)

The Imperial System of lengths was met with ridicule when first introduced.
"T-he, 'ft'"
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:47, Reply)

I once stole something by accident, but then was too scared/embarrassed to take it back.
I returned a large item to a warehouse and enlisted the help of a friend. we pulled up in my van and my friend said he would start unloading if I went to stake a place in the queue for the returns desk. I waited in line for about 10 minutes whereupon he showed up again with the box on a trolley. It was about 30 minutes before we shuffled up the line to the desk. I then transacted my return and got my refund. The box was wheeled away by a warehouse drone and we returned to the van. I dropped off my friend at his flat and went home. The following day I opened up the back of the van to find... the box I had returned the day before. I began to think I had dreamed the previous day's activity, but I checked my wallet and there was the return slip. How? Why? WTF?

I called my mate and he said rather sheepishly, "err sorry, it was my fault...". It turns out that because he couldn't lift the box out of the van single handed, he had just wandered into the warehouse and waltzed out with another example of the same hardware and gone direct to meet me at the returns desk. His theory was that they could just scan the code and we could then get the original one from the van together. Fine in theory, but being a bit absent-minded, he forgot to tell me plan, and after half an hour of chatting in the queue he had completely forgotten that the box we had was not the one from the van.

So... dilemma time. Do I own up and face the prospect of being accused of stealing, or sit tight and wait to see if the OB to fetch up at my front door?

What would you have done?
( notoolsovernight you're all luvvly an' 'orrible, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:44, 1 reply)

Drinking water to stay thin. Or is it to purify? I love you all the same.
But there's no - no real truce with my fury. You don't have to believe me, I love you all the same.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:32, 7 replies)

I only drink herbal tea.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:26, 5 replies)

As an ex-Capitalist pig I made sure I paid the proletariat insufficient reward for their labour.
Apparently this concept is still very popular.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:25, Reply)

One time we stole this prick's wheelie bin and set it on fire.

( Zuowan, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:19, 1 reply)

bonfire night
the local scumbag kids stole my wheelie bin and set it on fire. i found this out when i got back from a bonfire party, to find my bin and my neighbour's bin melted together in a large puddle of smouldering plastic in the car park. it's taken 2 days of phonecalls to the police and the council to sort out a new bin, which i've been told will not arrive till the 19th. thank fuck there's a bin at the end of the road.

damn kids, just wouldn't stay about from our bins :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 15:10, 2 replies)

I took the young man from your estate agents.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 14:59, Reply)

She stole my heart
Hospital security really should be tighter.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 14:53, Reply)

I used to be quite the petty thief when I was younger
Nicking sandwiches from Greggs/college/anywhere that sold sandwiches. I'm not proud of it.

I did once steal a freshly cooked, and still very hot, baked potato. I am proud of that.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 14:14, Reply)

A Yorkshireman judging the weight of something heavy.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 14:04, 1 reply)

I once purchased a copy of the financial times.
The FT.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 14:01, Reply)

Gone in sixty second time
A mate of mine convinced a friend to lend him her brand new bike, as he had pressing business and no transport. Amazingly, given his reputation for flakery, she agreed, and off he wobbled.

True to form, since he'd forgotten to borrow the lock too, he then left it outside a shop and came out to find it gone. Arse! Thinking quickly, he legged it across town to the flat of the dodgiest bloke he knew, and sure enough about an hour later some scally turned up looking to sell the bike. He'd actually managed to get it back!

Whereupon he resumed his errands, left it outside another shop, and lost it again.

*facepalm*
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:54, Reply)

I made off with a tube of Smarties from Sainsburys.
Given that I was a toddler at the time, I think this makes my mum the thief. Sorry, Mum.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:46, Reply)

Donkey Kong's Eyes of Shame
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wavey lines get it?

Years ago when I was but a wee nipper waiting in the magazine section of the fine establishment that is ASDA I discovered something, a Calendar for the new year that was coming up featuring various Nintendo character's with the large neck-tie wearing ape that is Donkey Kong on the cover along with an "Official Nintendo Magazine" logo.

Now being the bright lad I was, I realised this meant the calendar was supposed to come free with this "official" magazine and indeed I did spot it in the rack sans calendar. Burning with determination to have Mario and his uncanny crew stare at me all year long, I stuffed the calendar in a near-by Playstation magazine (Blasphemy!), for I could not convince my parents to purchase an Nintendo Magazine for we had no Nintendo machine at home but, we had recently just purchased a Playstation.

The plot was a foot, swallowing my pride at the heinous act that I was about to commit I sheepishly walked towards the Parental units brandishing the Trojan Magazine that hid the true prize. Request for the Magazine was asked and accepted and onto the Asda conveyor belt it went.

Sat in the car on the way home, I thought to myself that I had become a criminal mastermind, I had conned a large shopping chain out of a free promotional item, I could be rival Indiana Jones for the cunningness of my slight of hand, maybe even be his new Shortround!

Once we got home guilt had overcome me when I pulled my sordid prize from it's trojan sheath whilst in the solitude of my bedroom, there was Donkey Kong on the cover staring intently at me, he knew I had acquired this calendar through foul play, his round beady, souless eyes piercing my soul.

As any child would do, I place the calendar in between books on my book shelve never to bee seen again, to guilty to hang it up there it stayed for years, my own personal tell-tale heart and never spoke of it again.

Eventually the Calendar disappeared naturally one day (still trying to figure that one out, I'm just glad to be rid of it!) but, the effects of this event were lasting as it has lead me to this sordid, despicable life of buying Wiis, Gameboys and controlling ever-so slightly italian stereotypes into committing mass genecodie against rather innocent bi-pedal tortoises.

Truly it was a crime worst than even Hitler himself could commit and he is reet jealous.

TL/DR: I stole a free calendar from one magazine by placing it inside another. Hardcore.
(Halfaxa, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:40, 2 replies)

Customs & Excise
Bored on an october weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for the channel tunnel and went for a drive around Normandy.

Didnt do much - found a few pretty seaside towns and stopped for a meal, had a passing look at some war damage, picked up a few cheap packs of tobacco and headed back

My mistake was only being in France for about 4 hours - made the (British) customs officers at Coquelles suspicious and after questioning me they proceeded to strip and search my car.

after 2 hours of them looking inside door panels, inside the air filter and pollen filter, they finally admitted I had done nothing wrong and could continue on my journey home. The roller-shutter on their inspection building slid up, I chucked my coat onto the passenger seat, jumped in, fired up the choky old diesel engine, filling the inspection building with soot and smoke, and rolled out toward the train home

As I drove out, I heard one of the customs guys ask, between coughs, "where did you put the toolbox?"

It was under my coat on the passenger seat. Still got it.
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:37, 5 replies)

I heard that popular /offtopic user Battered once raped a prostitute.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:29, 14 replies)

What a shit
Pearoast from years back:

I did some 'community service' at school which consisted of working for a local hospital. Mostly it was serving tea and coffee in the old people's ward, but for a while they had us in the back room of the shop.

Pricing sweets.

I left there every week with my pockets bulging. The worst time was when I was leaving one week and the manager said 'you can take one away with you if you like' - I felt like the most evil person in the world as I added a packet of fruit pastilles to the seven I'd already nicked.

Stealing from a hospital. What a shit.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:17, 1 reply)

spoons.
lots of 'em.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 13:09, Reply)

This one caused a bit of moral outrage last time I posted it......
Weigh everything as onions (or as I've found out since, carrots).
Those self service tills in the supermarket. You know the ones, you do the scanning and packing for the place so's they don't have to pay staff to do it for you. Then they charge you full fucking price.
Next time you're there, just weigh it all as cheap vegetables. Fillet steak, that'll be 35 pence please.
Also, buy expensive wine along with a bottle of cheap plonk, scan the cheap one and bag expensive ones.
Work out what prepackaged things weigh the same but cost a shit load less. Fray bentos pie, about the same as a tin of value cat food. 2 litres of coke or 2 litres of value mineral water.
Voila! Your weekly shop for the cost of a big bag of veg and a couple of tins of value crap

Edit: anyone would think I've just come round and bum raped your kittens and given them the bad aids from the replies. Do b3tans all own supermarkets and are therefore appalled by the idea of them losing a little bit of their profits?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 12:56, 26 replies)

I stole some tea towels & postcards
of the Sistine chapel in the Vatican. Victimless crime as the catholic church have been fucking the poor (and altar boys) since the middle ages
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 12:55, 1 reply)

It was the early 1980s, and I was seven years old.
I was given 10p to buy some sweets from the Post Office.

But I saw a packet of Polos, and lo! I coveted them.

So, while kindly Mr Greaves was measuring out my 10ps worth of teddy bears, I took the Polos.

I paid for my bears, and off I went.

But my heart was made heavy with my sin, for I knew I had Done Wrong.

So I resolved to return them.

Turning on my heel, I returned to the Post Office.

"Yes young Vagabond" said Mr Greaves, smilingly, "How can I help you? Did I not count out your teddy bears correctly?" he laughed, and started to return behind the counter.

This was my opportunity, so I took the Polos out of my pocket, and reached over to replace them and ...

BUSTED.

Mr Greaves wasn't as kindly towards me after that.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 12:53, 1 reply)