I picked up a hitchhiker...
There were a bunch of us, mid-teens, in a tent in Anglesey.
One dark night I need to 'drop the kids off at the pool' so I crawl out of my sleeping bag, drag my kecks and boots on, grab my jacket and stumble off to the khazi. This is a dismal, brick-built, structure; encrusted with many layers of peeling whitewash and illuminated with yellowing 10 watt bulb. Anyway, needs must and business attended to, I'm tucking everything away when... hang about - that doesn't feel right! What the fark? Arrrg!
To my horror, I discover I have picked up a hitchhiker. To wit: a fuken great tick, has its fuken head buried, up to its fuken shoulders, in my scrotal sack!
Shit! Christ! Fuck! Piss! Wank! Shit! Bugger!
So, what to do about this sorry state of affairs - at three in the morning - in the middle of nowhere?
Luckily, I've got my jacket, with my fags and lighter; so I can have a smoke and ponder the problem...
Mid-ciggie I recalled an old POW film I had seen - one where they removed parasites with a lit cigarette. Time to see if it works. Gingerly, I warmed up the bitey bastard with the end of my fag, taking great care not to singe the family jewels in the process. This seemed to persuade the twat that it was time to move on - or rather drop off. Whereupon I acquainted the little fucker with the Stampey twins (as my Doc' Martens were known).

Didn't put me off the 'great outdoors' - just taught me to shake my sleeping bag out before getting into it.

Length? Almost disappeared completely when I saw what was going on!
(minimalist ..., Tue 3 Apr 2012, 16:36, 4 replies)

Proof
Pics or it didn't ... oh, on second thoughts, I believe you. No pics. NO PICS.
(ubergeekian, Tue 3 Apr 2012, 22:14, closed)

You asked for it...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ixodus_ricinus_5x.jpg

Incidentally, I have since learned that trying to burn them out is NOT a good idea - guess I was lucky (though if I had been really lucky, the bastard wouldn't have attached itself to my bollocks in the first place).
(minimalist ..., Tue 3 Apr 2012, 22:49, closed)

Didn't put me off the 'great outdoors' - just taught me to shake my sleeping bag out before getting into it.
And to shake your bollocks when getting out...Apparentely vasaline is the best method here as it suffocates them and for leeches you just leave them in....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 10:35, closed)

I'm just trying to decide which is worse...
...getting caught holding a lit cigarette near your bollocks or caught smearing Vaseline all over them...

There's only one way to find out:

Fight!
(minimalist ..., Thu 5 Apr 2012, 12:14, closed)