Potential rapist?
Stop. Think. Wank.
( Albert Marshmallow, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 10:39, 2 replies)

A Worthwhile Tip.
To avoid high heating bills this winter, don't keep your front door & windows open 24/7.
(barrycounty, Wed 18 Nov 2009, 22:06, 1 reply)

Post worthwhile tips...
....by putting a bit of thought into them before sharing.
(DrTugnut2 Francophobe., Wed 18 Nov 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)

Educate vegetarian friends in how to be a pathetic, worthy, whining little shit
By demanding that they cater to your omnivorous palate when you go 'round to dinner.

Also works with the waiting staff in vegetarian restaurants.
( A Vagabond , proving all the poets wrong, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 16:36, 5 replies)

Avoid having those long awkward conversations after Xmas for buying the wrong prezzies for the wife....
....by divorcing the ungrateful twat before you buy her any. Winging twunt.
( Jeccius Oops, finished MW2 already :p, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 15:23, 3 replies)

Lie on top of your porn for half an hour
and it will feel like you're looking at someone else's.
( A Vagabond , proving all the poets wrong, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Men...
(Link a bit NWS)

Get one of these: www.thatsexshop.co.uk/sexshop/product.php?xProd=3217&xSec=74

They are awesome!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 15 Nov 2009, 13:28, 4 replies)

Hiccup cure
Take deep, rapid breaths (i.e. hyperventilate). Works within a minute (sometimes it works straight away).
(mmm....beer, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 16:19, 1 reply)

Hold your hand in a bag of frozen peas for half an hour
before typing, so you can feel like it's someone else posting.

It's rumoured this is how /talk pass an average day...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 14:38, Reply)

Guys
Have a bath or shower at least once a week.
You might even pull a bird.
OK, maybe not but you'll be able to breathe without smelling your own cock.
( stopmeandslapme Your pub, their pub, serves the same, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 19:46, Reply)

Need a way to stop biting your fingernails
Simply shove each finger and thumb up your arsehole on the start of each day to put you off it for life.
(NuffMuff got into the newsletter by being a nerd on, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:46, 7 replies)

Formula 1 racing teams - reduce your pit times!
Simply ensure all your pit crew come from Liverpool. They can remove all four wheels in less than 6 seconds flat.
( The Great Architect, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:28, 1 reply)

Scare away potential burglars
When going out, place lighted candles near soft furnishings, drapes and curtains, so that they're visible through the gap, you leave in your front window curtains.
Any burglar would not believe that anyone would go out with such a fire hazard in place. There you go, zero risk of being burgled.
( Ambiguous, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 9:24, Reply)

Making food look healthy
Imagine a pizza. Add toppings in the combo you want.

Get those toppings in a list, then add together in a bowl with some crunchy lettuce or something that bulks it up. Add "croutons" - pizza base! Add dressing.
Examples:

I love sausages, red onion, cherry tomatoes and spinach with tomato-type dressing.
Ham, pineapple, pepperoni with rocket.

Voila! "Healthy" looking food, otherwise known as a "salad".
(Arthmelow is now without a gall bladder!, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 6:49, 13 replies)

Don't spend time and money taking the government to court after serving in the army gives you Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!
Simply ask the recruitment officer "Will it be horrible?" when signing up to save yourself the trouble.
( MeekMan Trying to reinvent the toaster since, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 13:11, 1 reply)

Get attention by acting surprised when your loved one who joined the army of their own volition gets deaded in Afghanistan.
Gain extra points by claiming it's the fault of politicans for starting wars.
( A Vagabond , proving all the poets wrong, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 11:36, 13 replies)

STILL haven't found the "suggestion for a new QOTW" question?
Never fear!!!
Follow this link, and add "Part 2" after any of the previous questions.

b3ta.com/questions/

but... pay attention to the voice of the people... b3ta.com/questions/animals/ and note the most voted for answer...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed turned your mother down, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Stressed?
Go to the toilet, close your eyes and flush repeatedly while you let your imagination whisk you away to a moderately sized waterfall.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 22:52, Reply)

Remove blood from your clothes
by rubbing shampoo on it before you wash them (actual factoid - just don't ask me how I know this....)
(Spanners80, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 22:08, 3 replies)

Crows nest.
Sick of doing a hover when you go to the loo in public toilets? Simply rip strips of toilet paper long enough to cover the seat. This stops the cold seat jolt as well as blocks any germs.

A great way to stop the super poopy. Add a crash mat of toilet paper across the water. This way you won't get any water in your brown eye.
(SkoaL, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 15:51, 3 replies)

Reverse lottery not risky enough for you?
Instead of picking six numbers and not buying the ticket ("winning" £1 if you don't match three or more), invite all your friends (let's say 20 of them) to join a syndicate, then email them the 20 lines of numbers you claim you've bought.

This is almost guaranteed to net you £20, but with the slight risk of the mother of all kickings.
(Rear Admiral Cockbrush MBE wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:34, 2 replies)

Men!
Don't buy expensive vibrators for your girlfriend! Dump her and date a girl with parkinson's instead! Then you can buy her a common or garden dildo, they're far cheaper and don't need batteries!
(Theophilous Thunderwulf will eat for food, Sun 8 Nov 2009, 1:28, Reply)

A hactual real tip
Use the oil from a jar of sun dried toms instead of olive oil in your Italian inspired cooking. Tasty stuff!
(The Boy Monders Not suitable for children or the elderly, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 11:21, Reply)

If you ever cheat on your spouse/partner/pet
Don't tell ANYONE - not even your best mate. This is the single greatest piece of advice you will ever hear.
(Blunt Logic, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:14, 4 replies)

Are you from Luton?
Leave now and forever hold your peace.
Eamen
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 23:27, 3 replies)

Broken electrical goods and lost the receipt?
A few quick steps for a guaranteed refund:

1) Go to a shop, buy exactly the same thing that is broken.

2) Spruce up the old, broken one as much as possible, trying to make it look as new.

3) Take the old one back with the new receipt, say it's broken, get a refund!

Sorted.
(dezorama has nothing interesting to put here, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 18:52, 13 replies)

If you're a regular bus-traveller, invest in a sturdy pair of earplugs - or if you work somewhere noisy, steal them from your workplace.
That way, there's less chance the horrendous, piercing squeals of ill-maintained brakes or the endless screaming of purple-faced babies will cause permanent damage to your hearing.
( Know ye not Woodside? http://www.spam.com/lol, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 20:31, 1 reply)

When you find yourself stuck with someone talking at you incessantly
Simply tap them on the head mid-sentence and say "snooze".
( ma0sm, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Avoid paying taxes
by organising a coup, overthrowing the government and making yourself leader.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:23, Reply)

Dara O' Briain
Let people know you've said something funny and thus prompt them to laugh by going "errrrrgh" at the end of the sentence.

And the same goes for Jo Brand when doing stand-up.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:19, 6 replies)