Hayfever
...Use it to get out of work on a scorching day...
(SniperJesus, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:45, Reply)

Decorating
Make wallpaper easier to remove in the future by impregnating it with tealight wax. When you come to redecorate, simple use a blow torch to get it burning, and the paper will be all gone in maybe 20 mins.
Use scented tealights for a fragrant house.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:10, Reply)

Jokes
Recreate jokes from your childhood by rolling a nun down a hill, or putting a zebra under a strong sunlamp.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:08, Reply)

junk mail
I fitted the business-end of an office shredder to my letterbox and I've not had to pay a single utility or credit card bill since.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:05, Reply)

Women
Being on a hen-night does not give you carte-blanche to act like a slut all evening. Have some dignity for Christ's sake.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:03, Reply)

Anti-phone mast protesters
Stop complaining about mobile phone masts. The more there are, the lower the power output. It also means that the phone you have pressed against the side of your brain doesn't have to increase it's power to try to keep connected to a distant mast.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:01, Reply)

Chinese food
Chinese takeaway owners with an outlet near a pub:
Refrain from having a large aquarium with giant koi in it in full view of the counter,
as hearing "I'll have that big one there" gets a bit tedious after 14,639 times.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:58, Reply)

Sex aids
One's missus operating the rubber bulb on a penis vacuum pump can continue to remove air from the cylinder long after your penis takes on a mottled bruised appearance, and once the pump is removed, the forced-erection it has produced becomes an amusing and curious novelty after 3 hours of vacuum-induced priapism.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:55, Reply)

Gardeners
Make your garden more exotic by trimming the grass in a particular manner to create a bonsai lawn.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:48, Reply)

Cupboards
By hiding in the cupboard under the stairs, I've found it's possible to listen to my wife's excrement as it rushes down the soil stack
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:46, Reply)

Barbers
Save time sweeping up all the hair by stripping off, covering yourself in honey and rolling about on the floor.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:44, Reply)

police
Annoy policemen by asking them the time every 18 seconds.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:42, Reply)

winter
Save money on heating bills this winter by finding something you're allergic to and then liberally applying it to your skin.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:41, Reply)

Car drivers
Once you've finished pumping petrol and before you return the hose, grab the pipe near the pump and raise it slightly to allow the petrol in the hose to enter your tank rather than leaving it in the u-bend shaped hose.
A bit of maths shows that a 7ft length of one inch-bore hose will hold about a litre, give or take.
(Maudlin McCann spreading the Owstwecian word on, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:33, 1 reply)

You CAN polish a turd.
Just get a relatively solid stool, coat it in nitro cellulose laquer (the stuff they coat guitars with) and let it harden. Add a few more layers until it's pretty substantial, then polish away to your heart's content.
( Sonic James Doom Has obliterated 5K, next up, 10K!, Mon 12 May 2008, 10:24, 1 reply)

annoy and baffle the easily annoyed and baffled by

insisting that real life objects are photoshoped . . .

'hey everyone, like my new phone !'

'nah man thats clearly been photoshopped.. the buttons don't look real'

'hey everyone , meet my new girlfriend Susan'

'nah man shes been photoshoped, those tits aren't real and her skin is all airbrushed . .

and so on an so forth
(employee12754, Sat 10 May 2008, 20:54, Reply)

don't waste time reading top tips
simply forget all the common sense you have, let go of all intellectual thought, and let your impulses take the wheel as you randomly drift through life.

I guarantee the results will be the same.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Sat 10 May 2008, 18:23, Reply)

If the river runs red.....
take the dirt track instead.

Some thing my mum told my brother wen he was younger....never quite got it myself....
(david bowie cuts my hair, Sat 10 May 2008, 15:56, 2 replies)

Wanna be annoying?
Get the Family Fortunes 'Incorrect Noise' (EH EH) onto your phone.

Ask someone is they are gay. (Only works with straight people)

When they reply 'no' play the sound.
Childish fun.

Also works with any other yes/no questions that are embarrassing.
(Eo1spy is back in time on, Thu 8 May 2008, 19:53, Reply)

Feeling Down?
Ice Creams and or cookies can solve any problem....

even AIDS!
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daugther/ Mother On, Thu 8 May 2008, 16:16, Reply)

Don't lose your temper
at work when arguing with the arsehole at the garage who sold you a Ford Focus as you may be reminded constantly by colleagues that you called him a "frucking pick"
(slogfoot, Thu 8 May 2008, 12:39, Reply)

@Ruddles
Another good way is to post on Usenet using your real address.
( idonthaveafunnynickname is sober on St Patrick's Day, Wed 7 May 2008, 23:00, Reply)

Accidental and weird
Ash your cigarette into a full full can of coke. It makes a sound like it's bubbling and fizzing... and doesn't stop for ages.
(DrDjBeatboxBennyBStarMcClicks, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Avoid bending over to measure your foot
by measuring the distance from your elbow to your wrist instead - it's exactly the same!
(Ruddles, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:28, 4 replies)

Make yourself feel more popular
by putting your e mail address into comments boxes on the internet, and signing up to every e mail newsletter you can find. Everyone knows that the more e mail you receive the more cool you appear.
(Ruddles, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:27, Reply)

Stopping Spam
Simply reply to the spammer with a friendly message along the lines of 'please remove me from your mailing list as your product does not interest me.' Since 90% of all spam is sent by just 3 people you do not have to do this many times to massively reduce your spam reception.
(Ruddles, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:26, Reply)

Get away with mass murder
Before setting out to single handedly wipe out your rival Triad gang with a machete, paint the ends of your fingers with clear (don't want to look like a girl) nail polish. That way when forensics turn up they'll be none of your finger prints left at the scene. Just seen it in 'Election 2'.
(OAFC, Tue 6 May 2008, 14:27, 2 replies)

Pissing off bar patrons
When a customer orders a round and asks for Guinness first, inconviently forget the first drink and serve all other lagers and bitters before asking "Urrrrr, what was the other?"

Thanks to Whitbread and their slow staff for reminding me of this on Friday.
(Big Smurf now with added profile, Mon 5 May 2008, 23:34, Reply)

Pissing off bar staff
As the last item on your round, order one more pint of Guinness than there are Guinness taps on the bar.
( idonthaveafunnynickname is sober on St Patrick's Day, Sun 4 May 2008, 3:24, Reply)

When posting compo entries
Learn the difference between adj, n & v

/grammar police
(jimjiminny is not local, Thu 1 May 2008, 18:37, 1 reply)