Republican presidential candidates
Show how really desperate you are, by coupling the name of your opponent to a perfectly innocent word and making it sound like an insult. "ObamaCare" is a great start.
( BamaSS, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 18:38, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ladies! Increase your chances of pulling by walking around naked*.
*Terms and conditions apply. Hotties only, no munters or fatties. Applicants must be between 18 and 25 years old.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 10:56, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

when entering a pro/am staring competion
try blinding your self first, to improve your chances of winning
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 19 Jan 2012, 18:10, Reply)

Avoid being caught murdering prostitutes by only killing those in other towns to where you live.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jan 2012, 13:07, Reply)

Prostitutes avoid being murderd
by your local lorry drivers by plying your trade in a different town
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 22:11, Reply)

Empty tissue boxes filled with tin foil sheets
make ideal wank rags for robots.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:18, Reply)

empty tissue boxes covered in tinfoil
make excellent slippers for robots
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 11:18, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Truckers...
Save time and expensive fuel costs by murdering prostitutes in your home town.
(iggyflynt Cleaning blood out of my clown costume, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 2:17, Reply)

Drivers!
The cycle lanes on major routes into Manchester make wonderfully convenient parking spaces.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 14:03, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

'Neighbours' Writers
Take a leaf out of Arsenal's book by re-signing Henry...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 15 Jan 2012, 16:05, Reply)

Home Entertainment Tip
Didn't get Jack Whitehall's latest stand-up DVD for Christmas? Don't worry - Simply put on your old Michael McIntyre DVD, close your eyes and imagine that every third joke is about French exchange kids or wanking.
(costas, Wed 11 Jan 2012, 23:06, Reply)

Make your other half think the cat's got a tapeworm
by sticking a grain of rice to its arsehole...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 11 Jan 2012, 18:17, Reply)

If you want to slow your descent into quicksand
Raise your legs slowly and lie on your back... whilst nature slowly fucks you up the arse.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Tue 10 Jan 2012, 23:01, Reply)

top tips
Don't let a daffy bird make your tea, especially not within an hour of hearing her squeal with delight, "OOOH, You have a fully stocked bar!".

Just sayin'... it tasted more like whiskey and vermouth than earl grey.
(Floz Nietsnezolf doesn't have photoshop, Tue 10 Jan 2012, 14:34, Reply)

RECREATE
that luxury "Matrix Screensaver" on your PC by simply creating a new Word Doc with a black background, scrawling a load of green text all over it and paying someone to wildly gesticulate with the mouse whilst dragging the window.
(WittyUsernameHere, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 21:08, Reply)

Food Tip
If, when eating a Choc Dip, you prematurely run out of dip, it is considered perfectly acceptable to eat the remaining Choc Dip sticks with a jar of Nutella.

If you then run out of Choc Dip sticks, it is also considered perfectly acceptable to eat the remaining jar of Nutella with a pack of breadsticks.
(costas, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 13:28, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Stephen Hawking
Go and visit Ursula the Sea Witch and ask for new legs. It will cost you your voice but lets face it you're rich enough to buy a new one.
( Peej, Wed 4 Jan 2012, 10:57, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Ensure a good night's sleep and pleasantly clear head the following morning
by not going to bed drunk again.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 4 Jan 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Parents.
Remain indoors, with your children, until they pass age 16. Its not like they'll need socialising, or anything, and this will minimise any potential inconvenience to the childless members of our society, who must have hatched, fully formed, aged 21, or something.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 3 Jan 2012, 7:51, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Parents
Bring your screaming fat children to supermarkets to lessen the load of parenting on to every other poor cunt who has to buy things within earshot.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 2 Jan 2012, 23:06, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Fat people if you have long finger nails then why not
switch to kitchen roll so your fingers dont poke through when you try to wipe your arse and we are not treated to the smell of stale shite on your hands?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 2 Jan 2012, 13:44, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

toothpaste
make toothpaste taste fresh and new by brushing your teeth once a week.
(Ymob is a kaburu, Sun 1 Jan 2012, 20:58, Reply)

make your own evil haunted and possibly dangerous indian burial ground
by getting union carbide to do your gas works repairs for you
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 17:27, Reply)

When using a hot iron, and a sheet of newspaper to get a candlewax spill out of your carpet,
check that the carpet is not made of nylon BEFORE you melt the wax, the carpet and the newspaper into a large solid ghastly fucking mess in the middle of your sitting room floor.

Ah, student days.
(username failed moderation, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Do one thing everyday that scares someone else.

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 11:09, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

(speedevil, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Make you own girlfriend
Out of some air freshener, vasaline and a dead prostitute.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 2:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

At least 16 people on Ebay
Instead of watching my item until the end, why not fucking bid on it?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 23:15, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tip Top Tip
Is your neighbour a total bastard? Is your postman a lazy bastard? If the latter keeps stuffing the former's mail through your letterbox, don't waste time re-delivering it to the correct house. Instead, leave it in one of the bin-bags next time you go fly-tipping to give the council a handy hint as to who left all that crap there.
(costas, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Scared of listening to your iPod whilst out running in case someone comes up behind you?
Simply run backwards...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 26 Dec 2011, 14:37, Reply)