Win the lottery
By not buying a ticket.
(Natrix, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 13:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Remember
to change the clocks tonight by remembering the old saying "Spring Forward, Autumn Back".
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 24 Mar 2012, 10:45, Reply)

Coracles make ideal hard-to-control boats for the Welsh.

(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 22 Mar 2012, 17:09, Reply)

Suggest a bush by leaving a tabloid TV mag under a schoolboy.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 16:22, Reply)

Annoy tabloid TV mags by leaving a suggestive schoolboy under a bush.
(Amberleaf, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:25, Reply)

Save precious minutes of your life
by saving generic versions of your favourite rants in a readily accessible text document for copying and pasting into largely unread and immediately forgotten internet discussions.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 16:33, Reply)

Annoy schoolboys
By leaving a copy of a tabloid weekend TV mag, open on a suggestive page, hidden under a bush on a popular route to a local high school.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 11:09, Reply)

Scare country folk
By buying a few bunches of cheap flowers, leaving them near a tree on a popular country path with cards saying 'I hope they catch the THING that did this to you' and '4eva in are hartz' etc...

*edit* possibly also light a candle, put it out and then take a massive bite out of it before leaving it there.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Baffle mountaineers
By climbing Everest and leaving a brown Mcdonalds paper bag and drinks holder there. They seem to be everywhere else....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Recreate the fun of a summer holiday in Portugal
By accidently killing your 4 year old daughter with prescription medicine and then throwing her into the sea.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 11:01, Reply)

Serving coffee in a chamberpot, with a dinner plate for a saucer
is the ideal way to experience the life of a midget, visiting the land of the giants, for elevenses. Complete the experience by serving a large wedding cake as a fondant fancy, or perhaps a large Italian salami with a javelin through it, in place of a cocktail sausage, if you are feeling fancy.

For a real party atmosphere, serve ostrich legs, instead of chicken drumsticks.
(username failed moderation, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 10:36, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Serving coffee in espresso cups
is the ideal way to experience the life of a giant, visiting the land of the little people, for elevenses. Complete the experience by serving a single Mr Kipling slice, as a loaf cake to share, or perhaps a cupcake in place of a gateaux, if you are feeling fancy.
For a real party atmosphere, serve champagne in sherry glasses.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 13:22, Reply)

50lbs of potatoes
in a bath make a great home made jacuzzi.
(username failed moderation, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:59, Reply)

New Potatoes
rubbed in oil and put into an oven at 220 degrees c for 20 minutes make ideal jacket potatoes for people that wish they could eat 17 jacket potatoes in one sitting.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sun 18 Mar 2012, 15:01, Reply)

Well, this is missing the point I know
But unlike Take a Break's "useful" "tips", these may actually help you.

xaxor.com/funny-pics/39562-funny-smart-tips-to-make-life-easier.html/
(Eukanuba, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 20:20, Reply)

have you forgoten what your holiday in turkey was like ?
want to go back and do it all again?
simply eat from a local greasy dirty kebab house and and very soon the memmorys will come flooding back, right in to your pants
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Recreate the authentic taste of a pub pint of Carling or Fosters at home
Refridgerate your own piss and then pass it through a soda stream. For added authenticity make sure you spill it all down the sides of the glass.

This also works if you want to have a pint of Strongbow, God forbid
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 18:44, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Broken lollipop sticks make excellent splints for Mice
that have been injured in Skiing accidents, caused by the use of innappropriate equipment.
( Muns, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:39, Reply)

impress your neighbours
by buying the most expensive BMW that you can get, then washing it luxuriantly every weekend with car shampoos and waxes that had to be specially flown in from a wax plantation in Uberschlongen Votdafuckinell which are only harvested by moonlight, carefully applying said car shampoo/wax at a time when you can be assured maximum attention from the other people who live in your cul-de-sac and just to make sure, playing your in-car stereo so loud it becomes an out-car stereo. Enhance the effect by working the fact you have a new BMW into every conversation, no matter how tenuous the link e.g. 'I was considering giving money to charity the other week but then MY NEW BMW NEEDED A FENG SHUEI BLESSING so I didn't give to Foreign Aid' or 'I have discovered this totally revolutionary yeast with which to make your own bread in half the time WHICH I PICKED UP IN MY NEW BEEMER'.

For maximum effect, wait until the other person in the conversation performs a Wrong by not asking you for further information about Your New BMW and also probably bat aside the irritation you feel for having it pointed out that the 118d is the cheapest new BMW that anyone could buy and in effect they are proudly telling people that they are not in the same salary grade as those who buy M-sport models. That's like saying 'Still had sex!' when it is pointed out that they boffed Kerry Katona, i.e. it is not something to be celebrated.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 12 Mar 2012, 1:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Kill two stones with one bird.
By using a pigeon with Weils disease to poison Mick and Keith.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 20:36, Reply)

Kill many birds with several stones
by pushing a castle over on to an aviary.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 18:23, Reply)

Lolly sticks
make ideal 'skis' for mice...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 9 Mar 2012, 15:13, Reply)

A rubber glove, filled with jelly
makes an ideal 'real' arm for that freaky woman on cbeebies.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:41, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Kill 2 birds with 1 stone...
by simply reusing the same stone you threw at the first bird.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 23:15, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

women avoid confussing people
by keeping your opinions to your self
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:07, Reply)

Kill your cat
By covering it's back in shoe polish so when it cleans itself it gets poisoned in your misguided attempt at getting your shoes polished the lazy man's way
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 17:00, Reply)

Confuse youtube
by not clicking in 5 seconds and watching the advert all the way to the end.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:09, Reply)

Get your shoes polished for free
By sticking the toe under the brushes as you go up the escalator.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:09, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Get your shoes polished for free
by installing them, upside down, just above the cat flap, on the inside of the door. And get some long-haired cats. Then entice the cats alternately outdoors then indoors using cat treats. Smear the cats with shoe polish for a better finish. Possibly.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 11:57, Reply)

Bernie Clifton
Make yourself feel hard by challenging Rod Hull's emu to a fight.
(Eukanuba, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:32, Reply)