Never look a gift horse in the mouth. It could turn out not to be a gift horse at all but its distant relative, the curse horse.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 21:30, Reply)

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Gift horses shit presents out out their arses. If you see a horse you should always look up its arse for presents.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 2:22, Reply)

Renovating a flat?
Entertain the owners by having loud arguments on the 'phone with your girlfriend each day. Make sure they're absolutely clear about what's going on between you both by then moaning about it afterwards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 11:13, Reply)

Renovating a flat?
Ensure the owners are most definitely up and about before you arrive, by giving them absolutely laughable start time estimations for the next day,
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 10:22, Reply)

Kids! (And, most likely, mums)
Wondering what to buy Dad for Father's Day? Trust me; He won't want a 'World's Best Dad' mug, an 'iDad' t-shirt, an 'Olly Fucking Murs' Funniest Football Goofs' DVD, a 'Dad Rocks!' compilation CD full of the sort of miserable shit Jeremy Clarkson likes, a Lynx gift-set, a Toblerone with some kind of half-arsed dad-based renaming, or a book of sporting anecdotes/Nick Knowles' memoirs/Where's The Stig.

Give him a bottle of scotch and an afternoon's peace with the laptop and he'll be delighted.
(costas, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 22:24, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Been arrested?
Put the coppers into check by telling them they should be out catching proper criminals.

Unless you are a proper criminal.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:25, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Keep firemen on their toes
By throwing rocks at them when they come to put out the car that you've torched.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 17:21, Reply)

A baked bean enema does liven up a dreary afternoon
but always put newspaper down first to collect the resulting mess.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 14:52, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Been arrested?
Put the coppers into check by informing them that, as a taxpayer, you pay their wages.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Jun 2012, 13:42, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Experience the thrills of 9/11 every day
By setting fire to your lounge and jumping out of your bedroom window.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 3 Jun 2012, 13:44, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Chelsea 2 United 1
Lukaku in the last minute of extra time. Put a monkey on it. Monster monster monster monster!
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 3 Jun 2012, 3:52, Reply)

Prevent unwanted pregnancies
by only sleeping with men.

*edit* this doesnt work if you are a woman....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 2 Jun 2012, 14:40, Reply)

Be excited all day
by shoving an iPhone up your arse and ringing yourself off your landline
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 2 Jun 2012, 14:40, Reply)

Keep your iPhone safe and warm
by shoving it right up your fucking arsehole.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 2 Jun 2012, 13:59, Reply)

Do the mash
Do the monster mash.
(Eukanuba, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 23:52, Reply)

Stop paedophilia
by not making your kids just so damn sexy.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 18:00, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Replacing a bucket of glitter
With a bucket of 300 degree chip fat, makes the clowns much more entertaining at the circus.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 17:59, Reply)

use fine grade sandpaper
to wipe off the 'M's' of M&Ms and put them in a bowl of skittles for hilarious results.

*may not contain hilarious results*
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 16:58, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Old People
Upset that your family have moved away and no longer write to you? Simply contact your local newspaper to complain that
a) You were fined for parking your car on the inadequately-signed double-yellow lines in front of the fire station for a mere three days
b) Disgraceful lefty jobsworths have told you that you can't decorate your council house with a 50ft Union Jack emblazoned with the words 'Foreigners Fuck Off'
c) You're refusing to pay your TV licence until the evil BBC ban the vile gay propaganda being pushed on our precious angels by Big Cook Little Cook

Then simply check the 'Comments' section when your story appears online. Hey presto! You'll find dozens of people taking the time to write to you.
(costas, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 14:44, Reply)

pretend you are David Hasselhoff
by talking about yourself in the third person, and refering to yourself as 'the Hoff'.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 12:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

pretend you are David Hasselhoff
by talking about yourself in the third person, and refering to yourself as 'the rob' or 'the fred' or what have you.....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 12:18, Reply)

prevent a lengthy and uncomfortable divorce and financial ruin
by NOT trying to stick your cock in your wifes arse while drunk, and saying 'but your sister likes it'

Even if it was meant as a joke.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 10:41, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

pretend you have a trendy smartphone
by holding a ryvita to your ear.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 10:38, Reply)

HRH The Queen: Cark it on Monday to leave a bewildered nation of boozed up subjects unsure of whether they are supposed to go ahead with the street party or not.

( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Thu 31 May 2012, 22:20, Reply)

Margaret Thatcher:
If you cark it this weekend, we can give you the street party send-off that such a solemn event deserves.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Thu 31 May 2012, 22:18, Reply)

80s dross pop producers:- make ANY pre-existing track a Christmas track
By simply adding sleigh bells. Then re-release the track as a 'new' track in an audacious attemp to test people's credulity.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 31 May 2012, 11:55, Reply)

Excuse ill manners and being actively rude to people
by telling everyone that you're really down to earth, honest, and that you dance to the beat of your own drum, and by constantly informing them that you are who you are and that others can like it or lump it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 May 2012, 9:55, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Rainy summer's day?
Teach your kids to play "The 1% Monopoly": steal all the money before the game even starts, make up new rules that victimise poor players, and pepper spray your kids when they complain.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 30 May 2012, 4:50, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Office workers? Finding that the IT department takes a long time to come and fix your problems nowadays?
Stop fucking mouthbreathing in my fucking ear while I'm trying to fix your fucking computer. Having a slack-jawed non-comprehending fucking imbecile watching my every fucking mouse click over my shoulder doesn't make me work faster and just fucking confuses you. Try fucking off and getting a fucking coffee until I'm fucking finished. Otherwise next time I'll go to b3ta and post Top Tips rather than coming to your desk.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 30 May 2012, 4:48, Reply)

BMW drivers. Surprise other drivers by indicating and not driving like a cock for once.

( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 30 May 2012, 4:44, Reply)