Have a root around under your bed for old copies of Viz
And then copy the Top Tips onto here. If the magazines are old enough, nobody will be any the wiser.
(Eukanuba, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 16:18, Reply)

Make people think that you've just opened a pack of Bernard Matthews Wafer Thin Turkey Ham...
...by farting.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 13:04, Reply)

Look like Marlon Brando
by buying a leather jacket with a big collar and turning up the collar so it's in front of your eyes and you can't see anything, because then you'll be in this cool fantasy world where you can totally be Marlon Brando.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:37, Reply)

Avoid having to use the phrase, "It's always in the last place you look"...
...By continuing to look for something once you have found it.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 11 Mar 2014, 14:35, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Downhill skiers,
make the competition more interesting by doing the course in reverse.
(username failed moderation, Mon 10 Mar 2014, 11:28, Reply)

Never, ever, ever
bloody anything, ever.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 19:26, Reply)

Save water AND money on expensive toilet cleaner....
The glasnost of the glass cock I could have revealed is as painful as gettin' glass in your japseye.
(GeorgeOfTheJungle has seen what it does to a penny, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 21:50, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Give guinea pigs a new experience
by firing them out of a cannon into a wall.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 9:56, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Being called a twat on the Internet by twats on the Internet?
Try to be less of a twat on the Internet.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 19:55, 12 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

save money on expensive, hallucinogenic drugs
by stepping beyond your front door once in a while
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 19:17, Reply)

save money on expensive hallucinogenic drugs
by watching In The Night Garden on mute while listening to Dark Side Of The Moon on headphones.

That shit's totally fucked up, man.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 5 Mar 2014, 16:23, Reply)

dye ordinary smarties blue
and sell them for a massive profit at underage raves.
(Eukanuba, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 14:57, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Hungry but run out of muller light? Semen makes an ideal and inexpensive alternative!
And if there's any ladies reading, mine is particularly delicious.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 14:32, Reply)

Porn stars
Avoid being found out on your double life by making a point of telling everybody how much you love Muller light, but you can't seem to ever get it all in your mouth.
(Eukanuba, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 21:53, Reply)

Pretend to be a porn star
by pouring a muller light over your face.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:41, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Ladies,
Exude an air of class and sophistication, by having three stars tattooed behind your ear.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:05, Reply)

Ask dangerous questions of the perceived human condition by employing irono-modernist uber-kitsch expressionism within a post-structuralist framework.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 12:47, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Use electric guitar strings instead of dental floss,
for that 'hi-tec' futuristic feeling.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 15:19, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Make sure people from further away know you're a bell-end
by wearing bright red skinny jeans.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 15:17, Reply)

Make things shiny
by rubbing them on Cricketers trousers.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 26 Feb 2014, 18:58, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Make penguins waterproof by rubbing them with fish.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 26 Feb 2014, 16:19, Reply)

Keep heating costs to a minimum
by moving in with an arsonist.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 25 Feb 2014, 17:11, Reply)

Own a stagnating, once high-profile comedy website?
Discourage new members from joining up by allowing the 'regulars' to bully them away completely after their first and only post, and turn a blind eye when your rapidly dwindling number of active posters turn on each other in an attempt to reduce the whole thing down to a private playground for four or five people.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 25 Feb 2014, 0:38, 18 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Make gerbils think that you are Richard Gere...
...by climbing into their cage bumhole first.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 21 Feb 2014, 19:29, Reply)

Make her pay for dinner on the first date.
This will ensure a second date as you now owe her money.
(showman, Fri 21 Feb 2014, 7:03, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Cleaning your teeth with an expensive fingernail brush is way classy.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Feb 2014, 9:12, Reply)

Don't buy an expensive fingernail brush,
An old toothbrush works just as well.
(softporn 70's sink fixer, Sun 16 Feb 2014, 14:09, Reply)

Save money on expensive toilet cleaner
By drinking more water.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 10:58, Reply)