Kill yourself.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 17:07, Reply)

Dont worry about rising future oil/petrol costs
By doing what my neighbour does, and have your ford ka powered by fairy dust.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 11:18, Reply)

Disguise your homosexuality
by getting married, and raising a family.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 11:17, Reply)

drawing pins,
knocked into the end of your penis, are much easier to remove in a hurry in the event of a police raid. For whatever reason...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 12 Jul 2014, 18:04, Reply)

A bicycle tyre,
thrown round the neck of someone and ignited. Releases 2/3rds as less pollution as a car tyre.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 12 Jul 2014, 17:58, Reply)

Disguise your homosexuality
by having a girlfriend.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 12 Jul 2014, 17:57, Reply)

Something missing from your life?
Spend your days criticising posts on a forum. The minutes will simply fail to fly by.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 7:45, 15 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Perverts! Make your conkers more distended by injecting them with saline.

(Eukanuba, Sat 5 Jul 2014, 10:03, 4 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Schoolboys! Make your conkers harder by injecting them with anabolic steroids.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 17:29, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Instead of buying 'NO ROAD MARKINGS' signs
use the money to mark the roads.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 3 Jul 2014, 18:02, Reply)

Accidentally carpeted a friends Mom?
Flip her over and do her up the lino
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 16:50, Reply)

Accidentally carpeted a friend's home?
Simply drench the floor with red wine.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 15:57, Reply)

Spilt red wine on a light carpet at a friend's soirée?
Disguise the mark by rubbing some black shoe polish into the affected area.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:30, Reply)

Make barbers think your hair grows really slowly by using four different ones on rotation, and telling them that they're the only barber you go to.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 11:47, 5 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Pretend you're a communist.
Go on - pretend you're a communist.

Phwoar!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Jul 2014, 15:29, Reply)

Pretend you're on a commuitty web site like "mumsnet" or "have your say" by reading
the posts of usernamefailedmoderation.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Jul 2014, 19:00, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Rather than pay a stranger a compliment, take the opportunity to earn extra cash by asking them for
£0.80 by claiming that you need it for bus fare. Or find a discarded drinks container and wander up to people with a sad look on your face.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Jul 2014, 11:25, Reply)

Can't afford expensive vet bills? Dress your cat as a child and take it to your GP instead!

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 27 Jun 2014, 0:51, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Stop a stranger in the street and pay them a lovely compliment.
I dare you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 24 Jun 2014, 16:44, 4 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Ensure that your favourite website dies on its arse by repeatedly posting about how it's dying on its arse.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 24 Jun 2014, 15:32, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

shacking up with an asian
is an excellent way to avoid the trauma of having ginger kids.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Mon 23 Jun 2014, 16:56, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Hide the tracks of your tears by being the life of the party.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 23 Jun 2014, 16:46, Reply)

Add three Aldi fruit bliss fruit teabags to a 2 litre bottle of strong white cider and pretend you are really drinking
hip and trendy fruit ciders from wherever the marketing people tell you is good at this time of year.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 8:59, Reply)

Add an overpowering amount of processed cheese to some cheap lager
to make "Kraft beer".
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 13:53, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Add an overpowering amount of elderflower presse to some cheap lager
to make "craft beer".
( krang, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 11:43, Reply)

MEN, avoid wasting time on dating websites,
just remember 'bubbly' and 'feisty' simply translates into 'complete fucking nightmare'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 0:35, 5 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Behold the colour of Pain
By rubbing chilli flakes into your eyeballs.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 11:04, Reply)

Convince your neighbours that you're a normal human being
By occasionally leaving the basement in your parents' house, going outside, getting a job, moving out, getting a girlfriend and acting like you actually have a life.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 16:24, Reply)