Don't waste money on expensive personalised number plates.
It's a lot cheaper just to get 'wanker' tattooed across your forehead.
(><(((">, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 8:35, 1 reply)

Hair treatment
When you stop at hotels and they have that white creamy looking shampoo, empty some out and top it up with some jizz.
The next people to use it will get a protein rich hair treatment without even knowing it.
(the noggin causes laxative effects, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Dungeon Masters playing D and D
Don't, just don't
(bugboybeast, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 10:38, Reply)

belly dancers & strippers
Save money on expensive nipple tassles. Simple remove the tie-backs from your Mum's curtains and apply super-glue.
(flamangathon is not local, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 3:29, Reply)

B3tans
If your long-winded posting contains the phrase, 'I guess you had to be there,' then don't post it. I wasn't fucking there, and if I was I probably wouldn't have found it that funny. You cunts
(Pavlov's Frog listens to 'Syndrome of a Down', Fri 12 Oct 2007, 0:34, Reply)

Parents
Another one: Do not regale your parents with the story of your boyfriend's flatmate at uni who everyone hypothesised was sucking off his giant male friend all day in his room. Whilst said boyfriend is sat next to you. Also, do not then try to get your boyfriend to do the (frankly hilarious) face he imagined said flatmate would be pulling when someone catches him mid-fellatio, for your parents' viewing pleasure. This is not acceptable conversation when at an upmarket restaurant for your birthday dinner.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 22:49, Reply)

Rush hour
Top tip: Never get on a packed train at rush hour. This will be the one time of the day when you will do your noisiest, smelliest fart. And everyone in the vicinity will know it was you.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 22:39, Reply)

General Police Advice
When stopped by an officer of the law in your vehicle of choice, do not respond with the following phrases:

"You'll never catch me alive Copper!"
"You want me to kiss your what?"
"Is this where you get your cock out and ask me to blow in it?"
"I can't hear you over my stereophonic device, cuntholio"
"Was that a sentence or were you stringing random words together?"
"Computer says no...."
"Does your mum know you're out?"

etc.

Thanks to the magistrates court services for pointing these out to me.
(Feckalluse it's one for the money, two for a fisting, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:30, Reply)

never trust the american voting system
or fox news.

That's pretty sombre, so my fun tip is this:

Catch all your farts in an inverted jam jar whilst in the bath. Later, release them in a tightly packed elevator for some nostalgia.
(Feckalluse it's one for the money, two for a fisting, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:25, Reply)

Bored?
When sitting alone at home, don't bother reading a book or a newspaper. Turn on the internet and masturbate furiously to pornography.
(frankspencer, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Question Masters
When running
a Question of the week page try and
remember to insert a new question when
the old one has been closed.
(Raff the indelible, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Frozen Peas? No, no, no! Blueberries!
Somehow, frozen peas have become the food product of choice for icing injuries. This is so, so wrong.

When the peas thaw, what do you have? Raw, mushy peas. You have to throw the bag away, it's worthless. Unless you're completely skint and have to eat them anyway, that is.

Instead of frozen peas, I recommend using frozen blueberries. They work just as well as frozen peas as an icepack, and when they thaw, you have a tasty treat!

After all, if you need an icepack, chances are you deserve, or maybe desperately need, a tasty treat.
(danalan, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 8:10, Reply)

Cleaning wine decanters
can be a pain in the ass. Here's how they become nice and shiny again: pour some hot water with dishwashing liquid into it. Let it soak for a couple of minutes. Then add some uncooked, raw rice. Now swivel it around - the rice will sand off the dirt from the inside!
(hoopyfrood really knows where his towel is, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 20:02, 1 reply)

Opaque tights and shorts
I second that.
(PJM Per effluvia, ad astra, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 11:03, Reply)

Girls!
Shorts with opaque tights are NOT SEXY.
(><(((">, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:03, 1 reply)

Big knob!
When trying to impress girls (or guys) on the web, via bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a digital photo of your erect cock next to one of those airline size cans of coke.

(it is much less contentious than getting a small child to hold it!)
(ziderman2001, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 20:45, Reply)

save money on prostitutes.
Beat them up afterwards and pinch your money back.
Don't steal more than you paid though as that would be unsporting.
(the noggin causes laxative effects, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 18:40, Reply)

Piss off.

(Complete Bastard Failure ate your boobies, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:44, Reply)

Have all your shits
at work. Not only will you save money on toilet roll, you get paid for it too!
(Hoopla, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Poo Pipe Pirate
Hehehe. I can touch my eye with my elbow. The joys of being flexible.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:46, Reply)

Health tip
Cheers ruddles just tried it. I feel like a twat. :(
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:53, Reply)

Painting a Large Room?
A recent post on the weekly QOTW commented that you will NEVER EVER get the same shade of paint if you require two tins of paint. The solution? Mix half of one with half of the other, then stir thoroughly and use that. This will even out any differences in pigmentation and solve the problem of different shades of paint in two different tins!

No need to thank me. Your success is my reward. :)
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 21:41, Reply)

Leopards!
Never change their spots.
Likewise neither do work-shy lazy bastards. So don't give them the benefit of the doubt cause you'll end up being shafted.
(Weejock, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 10:57, Reply)

Police!
At the scene of an accident, don't move it to the side of the carriageway. Instead put some cones up and leave it there while you stand around looking all official and pointing randomly while commuters long journeys are made that much more unbearable.
(PJM Per effluvia, ad astra, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 9:08, Reply)

Midges!!
Place a cutting of Bogmyrtle in your button hole instead of a red carnation and enjoy a face free from midges :D
(Old Fella Doe a Dear a Female Dear . . . ., Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:12, Reply)

Health tip
Never touch your eye, except with your elbow.
(Ruddles, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Dumped!
As I'm sure you're all well aware by now, I was recently and abruptly dumped by my husband.
C'mon, bring the board down, what was your worst dumping?
( workboresme is going home August 8th!, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 8:48, Reply)

Possibly Stolen tip.....
I'm given this tip all the time, so i thought i'd share it.

When doing searches with Google, save time by hitting 'Enter' instead of clicking your mouse.

Just in case no one knew this.

/doh
(Mensa Reject wanted to put something profound here, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 22:10, Reply)

feeling nippy...
now the weather is turning....

Simply empty several tins of tuna onto your chest and lie on the patio with a knife; gut all the cats that come to investigate and frolic in their warm entrails.
(feedingtimeatthezoo my giraffe went wonky on, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Trying to wring additional humour from b3ta posts?
Locate any instances of "gaz" and substitute with "bum". Similar category phrases such as "fist" also have the ability to produce minor levels of merriment.
( dan j the filthy bastard, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 12:40, Reply)