I got tangle up in a battle of wits where the opponent was only half prepared...
b3ta.com/questions/trapped/post2227586
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 18:01, 143 replies)

Well, well, well
My house has an old well in the yard. One afternoon I decided to investigate it and heaved off the concrete lid, which brilliant pivoted in the circular space and fell down into the well. Luckily the well was dry and rammed with rubbish so there was a free space of about 5 feet below the top. I could see the concrete lid lung on the pile of crap and foolishly decided to jump in to get it.

Now thinking back, it might just have been a plug of crap sitting on top of a deep week, but luckily it held me. I managed to get the lid back out of the hole and then realised that I was stuck in a hole with just my head sticking out and no one around. It's surprisingly difficult to get yourself pit of such a situation. After 10 minutes or so I was sweating profusely and trembling from the effort. I had my mobile phone in my hand, ready to call for help, but thought I'd give it one last go. May be it was the adrenaline but that time I managed to lever myself up and clamber out. Clothes covered in shit and me a sweaty trembling wreck. I sealed up the well after that.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 16:03, 8 replies)

Snow escape
During a particularly hard winter there was about 4ft of snow. The local road was cleared and a great mound of snow was pushed onto a grass clearing. Before long enterprising youngsters had tunneled into it and made an igloo, albeit one with walls 3ft thick. Me and my sister were playing with the snow and decided to explore the igloo (we were 9), once we had entered, those youngsters (hoods) began to block the various entry tunnels and jump up and down on the roof to cave it in. Not withstanding the fact that if they had succeeded then a couple of tons of snow would have fallen onto a pair of promptly very dead school children, they continued. We saw an unguarded exit and managed to scram. The following day the giant igloo was completely destroyed, I was asked by a gang member if I had done it - all 6st of me! Of course not but some responsible adults must have seen them and thought "They'll kill someone like that" and stove it in before they actually did.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 13:51, Reply)

Got onto a moving staircase behind a woman once.
The damn thing started to make ominous grinding noises and I thought it was going to judder to a halt, but instead it shot off at breakneck speed, causing us to clear two floors in a matter of seconds and unceremoniously spitting us out onto the destination concourse. So much so that the lady in question ended up on her hands and knees and I got a face full of knickers.

As we picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off in a glow of British embarrassed sexual tension, she said "Well, that escalated quickly."
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 13:27, 12 replies)

during a lower sixth form school field trip, one of the girls arrived back at the coach looking most unhappy and rather wet
she'd gotten stuck in one of those chemical toilets and things had gone horribly wrong. poor girl, it can't have been nice, all dark and bleachy and wet. still, when she walked into the common room the next day (and for many more days, teenagers being so hilarious), the whole year started singing....

PORTALOO. COULDN'T ESCAPE IF SHE WANTED TO.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 13:21, 5 replies)

* picture of Admiral Ackbar *
Star Wars.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 10:40, 2 replies)

So there I was in pitch darkness. It was so dark that I couldn't see my own hand. It was disorientating, but I realised that I was sitting upright in some kind of confined box.

( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 10:30, 2 replies)

Marooned on an island
A very, very long time ago, when I was about 19, I went for a month to Southern Ireland. It was all part of an exploration group and one of the projects was to catch and ring storm petrels on a depopulated island off the Dingle Peninsula. Blasket Island it was called. Local fishermen took us across to the place in their fragile looking coracle style rowing boats. It was arranged they return after three days. High winds kept them away for a further three days. Real Robinson Crusoe stuff. No radio and mobile phones wouldn't be invented for another 25 years.Trapping and gutting rabbits, eating shellfish,(which I loath), were the order of the day.
( MaxineBasset Betty Basset Bombs are Better, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 9:10, 5 replies)

Just last week,
my very drunk mate thought it would be hilarious to slap a set of handcuffs on my other very drunk mate. After a bit of wrestling, the latter managed to grab the handcuffs from the other's hands, but instead of thinking "phew, that was a close shave", he started maniacally laughing and heading in my direction.

Less than a minute of struggling later, I'm hancuffed to a steaming drunk person who is absolutely thrilled with this decision. Right. Fun's over. Where's the key?

"Key?"

Never has a word invoked such fear in me. We hunted and hunted, with that horrible sinking feeling of inevitability slowly growing, when suddenly, we found the key! Hurray! It was snapped in two.

We knew there must be a way of releasing the handcuffs, but try as we might we were all absolutely hammered and couldn't work it out. To make matters worse, my mate had applied the cuffs a little too enthusiastically to his own arm, and his hand was now swollen and slightly grey looking. Mine was a little looser, but no amount of fairy liquid or butter were getting my mitt out of these cuffs. Being a calm and rational drunken scotsman, my mate began panicking about the situation which was entirely his fault, and began roaring at the top of his lungs, crying and smashing anything he could get his hands on. This in turn irritated me. We now have two incredibly angry drunken scotsmen manacled together in a kitchen, threatening to kill each other. I politely but forcefully suggested he might like to calm down a bit. His response was to grab my arm and tighten my half of the cuffs until it cut off my circulation.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my other pal's mind (the one who had started all of this but was currently free and enjoying himself immensely) he could see things were going badly. Something would have to be done, and quickly. What, you ask? Ring round, try and find some bolt cutters somewhere? See if there's anyone else with a set of handcuff keys? No, fuck it, straight to defcon one, phone the fire brigade.

So, the fire brigade arrives, flashers going and everything, and several highly professional men discover they've been called out to release two drunbken arseholes from a trap of their own making. They thoroughly ripped the utter pish out of us, asking how we had got our clothes back on over the cuffs, had we remembered to switch off our dildos to save batteries, all thoroughly deserved. At the time, I was sporting a rather fetching "shiteshirt", a creation Alfie Moon himself would be proud of, which made the firemen laugh even harder. I tried to apologise as much as possible for wasting their valuable time, while my mate writhed on the floor whimpering every time they touched him.

Well, they cut us free. It has, in the long run, been a positive experience for me. The amount of money I've saved on heating alone, due to the burning shame and beaming red face I've had for almost two weeks now, has made it all worth it.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 17:28, 8 replies)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you

Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to have laid here til the morning sun?
Must have Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
He walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar

throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “Bitch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…






(CHAPTER 2)

Well...
Now he’s staring at me like
As if he was starin’ in a mirror
She yells honey let me explain
He says you don’t have to go no further
I can clearly see what’s goin’ on
Behind my back, in my bed, in my home
Then I said wait a minute now hold on
I said mister we can work this out
She said honey don’t lose control
I tried to get him to calm down
He said hoe I should’ve known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt
I said we need to resolve this
Then he stepped to me, I’m like whoa
There’s a reason I’m in this closet
He says, yeah what are you talkin’ close?
I met this girl at the Pagis club
And she told me she didn’t have a man
Then he said man please,
I’d kill you if you didn’t have that gun in ya hand
And then I said but yo chick chose me
He said don’t give me that mack shit please
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer
I point my gun and says I’m not the one you after
He says son I bet you didn’t know my man
Did she tell you that I was a pastor
I said well good that’s betta right,
Why can’t we handle this Christian- like?
And I started to put the gun down
Til I saw his face still had a frown
She started cryin’, sayin’ baby I’m sorry
Then he said baby not as sorry as you’re gonna be
I started inchin’ out
He says no I want you to see this
Said I gotta get out this house
He said not til I reveal my secret
I’m like what is goin’ on inside his head?
Then he takes his phone and calls somebody up and says
Hello, Baby, turn the car around
Listen I just need for you to get right back here now (Click)
He looks at me and says well since we’re all comin’ out the closet
I’m not about to be the only one that’s broken hearted
And she said what do you mean?
And he said just wait and see
I said somebody betta talk to me
And then his phone rings
He picks up and somebody says sweetheart I’m downstairs
And he’s like I’ll buzz you up
I’m on the fifth floor, hurry take the stairs
And I’m like who is this mystery lady that you’re talking to?
He says in time you both will know the shockin’ truth
Baby this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time
Then I said nigga Imma shoot you both if you don’t say what’s on ya mind
He said wait I hear somebody comin’ up the stairs
And I’m lookin’ at the door
He says I think you betta sit down in the chair
I says I’m gonna’ count to four
1, he says mister wait
2, she says please don’t shoot
3, he says don’t shoot me
4, she screams
Then a knock on the door, the guns in my hands
He opens the door, I can't believe it's a man

(CHAPTER 3)


Well, here we are the four of us,
in total shock me and her,
I close my mouth, and swallow spit,
as I'm thinking to myself this is some deep shit,
then I said so your gonna tell me he's the one
you've been talking to,
he says yes, I says no, he says yes, I says no,
he says it's the truth,
I yell "all of ya'll asses crazy,
let me up out this door", because this is way
more than I bargained for,
and then she says wait,
I'm sure we can all fix this, and then I said I’m late,
Cuz I ain't got a damn thing to do with this.....



Then she said but wouldn't you like to know
just how it all begin,
then I thought to myself and said quick you got 3 minutes,
And then it got real quiet,
I said somebody start talkin, then she said
And then she said "My God Rufus, I got just one question,
HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS I"M SO HURT?!?!"
Then he looked at her and said bitch please you got
yo nerve, with all yo club hoppin'
lying sayin' you was shoppin',
and now here you are in
our home, and you calling
me wrong, she said ok you busted me,
and that much I agree,
you caught me cheating,
but this is a little extreme,
he said you are my wife,
sleeping behind my back,
and now I come home and you got him in the closet,
how extreme is that?......



She says but she's a he,
then he says please you can't judge me,
she says Rufus this is crazy,
and I said stop arguing,
I did not stay here to hear y’all chew
each other out, so get to the point,
or I swear I'm out, excuse me please,
but I think I can explain what's going in
here, my name is Chuck, and I've been
knowin' Rufus bout a year,
at midnight creeping around with him it's been a living hell,
sneaking in and out of hotels,
I said brother spare me
the details, then Rufus said Chuck please,
don't say nothin' else, and then she screams Rufus
you son of a bitch,
and he says Cathy go to hell,
I said I thought you name was Mary,
that's what you said at the party,
man this is getting scary,
I'm gonna shoot somebody......




Then Rufus starts yellin' and screaming
saying Cathy this is all yo fault,
she throws a pillow at him
and says you was creepin' too the only difference
is you didn't get caught,
Chuck scream out we're in love
Cathy says love my ass
Rufus say they gettin' married
then I shoot one in the air,
then I say not another one of
you sons of bitches say a word,
cause all of this shit I'm going through
is unheard, grab my cellular,
sayin' this is so wrong,
call up my home,
and a man picks up the phone......................



(CHAPTER 4)


Now I'm dashin’ home
Doin’ 85
Swervin’ lane to lane
Wit fire in my eyes
I got a million thoughts
goin’ through my mind
I'm thinkin’ about what Imma do and who I'm gonna do it to when I get home
How could I have been so blind
And then I look in my rear view
I cannot believe this
(Whoo whoo whoo)
Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinkin’ twice
He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said license and registration please
I looked up at him and said
Officer, is there somethin’ wrong
He said no, except you was doin’ 60 in a 45 mile zone
Then I said officer
Let me explain please
Ya see the truth of the matter is
Is that I got an emergency
He said no excuses
And no exceptions
He flicks his cigarette and then gives me the ticket
Said have a nice day and walked away
I said yeah right and drove away
Then I turned my radio on
And did 50 all the way home
I pulled up in the driveway
Hopped out and slammed the car door
Then go around the back
Bust up in the house and she screamin’
What’s all that for
Then I'm like woman I called this house
And a man picked up my phone
Then she says calm down
Did you forget
My brother Twan came home
Oh...
And that’s all I could say was oh
Wit a stupid look on my face
Said I forgot he came home today
And she said that’s okay
Because honey I understand
She said you don’t have to explain
Then I took her by the hand
I kissed her and then we went to the room
And then I turned some music on
Apologized one more time
Then went down and start gettin’ it on
And she started bitin’ her lips
Grabbing me and makin’ noise
Now we makin’ love and she's in my ear whisperin’
It's all yours
I said I love you
And she said I love ya, too
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said baby go deeper please
And that’s when I start goin’ crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin’
Cuz We keep turnin’ and turnin’
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin’
Then next thing ya know, she starts goin’ real wild
And screamin’ my name
And then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
She said please no don’t stop
And I said I caught a cramp
Then she said please keep on goin’
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you're the perfect lover
I said I can’t go no further
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber...





(CHAPTER 5)


And now I'm like
Well, well, well
What the fuck is this
A condom in my bed
Ya better start talkin’, bitch
'Fore I take a match and
Burn this muthafucka down
I said you better start talkin’
And start talkin’ right god damn now
Then she said baby
I'm so speechless
Then I said my baby
You gone be breathless
If ya don’t start talkin’ quick
Woman, I'm gone have a fit
You don’t know what ya fuckin wit
Girl ya better cut the bullshit
Now its obvious somebody has been all up in my home
In my bed, and plus I smell cigarettes
Now I’m sniffin’ and lookin’ around
Suspicious like someone's here
Then I looked in her eyes and in her eyes
There was so much fear
Pull out my gun said is he still here
She shook her head and said no
I'm checkin’ behind every door
She cried out he left right after you called
I said what the fuck was you thinking
You thought that I wouldn’t find this out
Then I said you must be crazy or on crack to have somebody off up in my muthafuckin house
She hopped up and said that’s enough
She said I can’t take no more
And then she said you made your point
But now it’s time to even the score
She said I know all about last night
And where you went when you left the club
Said that’s right, nigga I was there
Wit this guy in the back of the club
I said I thought you was wit yo girls?
She said I thought you was wit yo guys?
She said you was at that bitches house
And don’t even try to act surprised
I Said babe, she said shut up
Don’t you say a word
It ain’t nothin’ you can say
That I aint already heard
Then I said woman, don’t you try to turn it all around
Cause the fact still remains that someone else was in my house
Then she said you're right about that
Somethin’ did go down, but I don’t have to turn it around
Cause what goes around comes back around
I'm movin’ a little closer to her
She's trippin’ over the furniture
She said wait first, just let me explain
I said no need to, just give me his name
And then she says uh...uh
I say uh what
She says please sit down in the chair
And I say no, I'm standin’ up
And then she cries out I'm so scared to tell you because of what ya might do
And I screamed look girl you better give me this man's name and I'm not playin’ wit you
She says okay, wipes her nose and asks me about a girl named Tina
I thought to myself, said it sounds familiar
Then said I probably know her if I seen her
Then I said anyway girl, what the hell does that got to do with this man
She said he know my girl Roxanne
I say who the hell is Roxanne
Then she say Roxanne's a friend of mine who know with this guy named Chuck
Chuck's cool wit this guy name Rufus
And I'm sittin’ there like what the fuck
Then she says Rufus wife, Cathy
We both went to high school
She introduced me to
The policeman that stopped you

(CHAPTER 6)
Believe it or not I just started laughin'
Shakin' my head and just kept on laughin'
Thinkin' about all the things I had been through that day
Then she cries "what? Why do you have that smile upon your face?"
Then I laughed out, said "thinkin' about all of the things that I've been through"
She wipes her nose then she sniggles and laughs out "I've been through it too"
Then I start laughin' again and she start laughin' more
Then next thing you know we both are crackin' up on the floor
Then she laughs out "I can't believe this idiot really answered my phone!"
Now meanwhile 'Twon just got out of prison and he's on his way home
Then she yells "baby I'm sorry for all the lies and all the bullshit"
Then I said "girl just wait 'til I tell you all the drama that I've been dealin' with
She laughs "I wanna hear it all"
Then I laughed and said "baby first of all
I got a hangover, been trapped in the closet
Slept with who knows, threatened to kill a pastor"
She says "what?!?"
"Baby this is no lie he had a lover, turns out to be a gay guy"
She says "damn, you've been through a lot of shit"
"Plus I got a ticket!"
Meanwhile the policeman, he turns around
Just out of concern, comes back to the house
Then he pulls up in the driveway
My car's parked crooked with the lights on
Then he goes around the back way
He heard the dogs barkin' like something's wrong
He gets to the back door and discover it's been broken in
He looks around, pulls his gun out, then proceeds in
Meanwhile we're laughin' and laughin' and laughin'
But from his perspective he thinks somebody's cryin'
He gets closer to the bedroom and he would swear that somebody was coughin' and sighin'
Meanwhile we're in the bedroom laughin' as I'm tryin' to continue to explain
She yells out "Sylvester you're killin' me!"
I said "I swear that it went that way!"
Then next thing you know he bust up in the room
And said "motherfucker, freeze"
And then I looked up back at him and said "wait - you're that damn police"
Then she screamed "baby, I mean James" she says "everything is cool"
And then he yells "Gwendolyn I got this, I know you're sick and tired of this fool"
And then I stood up, start walkin' towards him screamin' "man get out my house!"
Then he yelled "freeze!" She screamed "please!" I pulled my beretta out
She cried out "Sylvester, please don't"
Visions of him making love to her
He said "man, put the gun on the floor"
I can't stop thinking about him and her
I slowly put the gun down
And then I put my hands up
He winked at me and smiled
And that is when I went nuts
Hopped all over him, grabbed the gun, she's screamin' "settle down"
Goin' all around the room, both hands on the gun
Then all of a sudden "pow"...

(CHAPTER 7)
There's total silence, blood everywhere
And confusion on their faces as they continue to stare
Then Gwen starts shakin' and cryin' screamin' "What did you do?"
And then the policeman looks at me and screams "See, now I warned you."
Then he starts pacing the floor screamin' "God, what have we done here?!"
Then she rushed to to door, blood on her hands screamin' "There goes your whole career."
Meanwhile, I'm freakin' out sayin' "We gotta do somethin' and gotta do somethin' quick."
Then he picks up the gun and says "I have a wife at home, I can't have no parts of this."
She says "James, I can't believe you just said what you said.
Cause that's not what you was said when your ass was in my bed."
Then I said "Gettin' married later, but right now we gotta use our heads. First of all, did anybody check if the man was alive or dead."
Then he looks at her, she looks at me, I look at them and we look at him.
Meanwhile, Gwen's about to have a nervous breakdown the way she's shakin' and cryin'
And then she screams "You bastards! You've killed my brother."
And then I said "Gwen, wait a minute, I didn’t..."
She says "No, you killed my brother."
She said "He just got out of prison. He's been through a lot. He was talking about changin' his life and everything and to come home and get shot
Then I said "Baby, it wasn't my fault. This man had a gun on me.
And besides, how was I to know that you was getting down with this crooked ass police."
And he says " Now Wait a minute..." I say "Naw, you wait a minute!"
And then I say "Man, this is my wife. We had a life until you butted up in it."
She cried out "Sylvester, now hold on. Even though he was in our home, let's not forget the fact that you was out there creepin' in another man's home."
*Cough cough* *cough cough*
Twon starts coughin'. *cough cough*
And she says "Twon! Oh my god! Baby brother, are you okay ?"
And he looks up at her and says "I'm not gonna die, at least not today."
And then he asks what happened? "Sis, why did I get shot?
Sylvester what is this policeman doin' here ?"
And I said "Go on, tell him cop."
He says "Son, we gotta get you to a hospital and take a look at that wound."
Twon says "No, I'm okay. It's just my shoulder. All I need is a bathroom."
Now five minutes has gone by and they tellin' Twon everything that happened
Twon say "Shit, man I would've been better off in prison."
And now somebody's banging at the door and I'm like "Aww naw! Here we go again!"
Thinkin' out loud to myself sayin' "When is this shit gonna end ?!"
Then Gwendolyn looks at me and says "Baby, you got that?" And I say "NO!"
She says "Why?" And i said "Because I'm not openin' up another motherfuckin' door!"
And the cop says "Gwen, I'll get it." Then looks at me and say "Man of the house, my ass!"
Then I say "I'll get it, but whoever it is, I'm about to put their ass on blast!"
And then, the policeman grabbed me. I snatched away and got my gun up off the floor
Then Twon says "Man, that's what I'm talkin' about! Sylvester, point that shit toward the door! "
Then he snatches the policeman's gun and says "Officer, arrest me later."
I count to three, Twon opened the door and it's Rose the nosy neighbour...
Ooh, with a spatula in her hand (spatula)
Like that's gone do something against them guns
It's Rosy the nosy...whoa
Neighbour....

(CHAPTER 8)
The policeman gets in his car
And gets right on the phone
Backing up, shaking his head saying
"Let me get my crazy ass home"
And his wife picks up and says
"Darlin' where have you been,
I've been worried about you"
And he says "Police business, honey, I can't wait
to tell you what I've been going through"
She says "Are you okay?" "Yes"
"Do you need anything?" "No"
"Well, I baked you a pie" "Mmm"
"Your favourite: Cherry"
Then he said "I'll be there soon.
Sorry I kept you hanging"
Then she said, "Honey, don't worry about it
Just take your time, I still got some cleanin'"
Now meanwhile Misses Roseys back at Gwen's house
Tellin’ it all
She said "I knew there was something about that policeman
I started to cut lose my dog"
Then Gwendolyn looks at her and laughs and says
"Miss Rosey you are nuts"
Then I say "all I wanted to know
was what was you gonna do with that spatula"
And then we all laughed
Twon says "shes a G no doubt"
Now let’s head right back on over
To the policeman's house
He pulls up in the garage
She didn't expect for him to come that soon
She rushed to the door
kisses him on the cheek says "I was in the restroom"
Then he said "Whatcha say that for?"
And then she says "I don't know"
Then he step back, look at her and says
"Whatcha all jittery for?"
Then she says "Sweetheart, maybe it's that time of the month"
Then he says "Maybe? Maybe that time of the month?"
And then she says "You know what I mean"
He says "I know what came out yo mouth"
He said "you said maybe"
Then she says "baby," he walks in the house
And she tries to lead him upstairs
But he goes straight to the kitchen
She says "Hun, I bought you some pears"
And then he said "I'ma heat this chicken"
Then she turns around thinking to herself
With this weird look on her face
Then he screams "Woman, what wrong witchu,
why you walking back and forth, pacing?"
Before she answers she's thinkin' to herself
"What am I to say?"
Because the truth of the matter is
is that she just slept with another man today
And he started calling her name
"Bridget, I know you her me"
But she can't turn around
Because the truth on her face
He will see it
Then he screams "Bridget"
"Yes" "Look at me"
Bridget turns around and then he says
"Whatcha got up your sleeve?"
She's scared out of her mind
Stuttering and shaking and
still talking about some pears
He starts screaming saying
"Look woman, I done told you I’m not going up no stairs"
Now he's got a funny feeling
Something just don't seem right
He's looking at her while she's backing up
Then he says "With all my might,
Woman, I swear I'ma shoot somebody
if you been doing wrong"
But little does he know that
somebody is still right there in his home

(CHAPTER 9)
He looks around the kitchen, and says 'something is really weird',
And she says 'why do you say that?' He says 'cos you keep tryin' to get me outta here',
He says 'ever since I been in this house your face has went from white to red
and remember when I first walked through the door you acted like you had seen a ghost from the dead'

Then he says 'girl if you hidin' something I’m gonna be so mad', then he hears
something fallin’ he says ' what the fuck was that?'
She said ' it sound like it came from upstairs, sounds like the plumbing',
He said 'woman that sound did not come from upstairs, I'll be damned if you're not up to something,

Said "Now the sound that i just heard, it came from this kitchen," and then he looks over by the stove
while shes easin' over by the dishes. And then he walks over to the refrigerator and pushes it back,
and then he looks in her face, looks like she’s about to have a heart-attack, then he notices the pie on the counter
One slice is missing, now the stories gettin' scary, cos he comes to realise that Bridget is allergic to cherries.

Then he slowly looks up at her and now her face is red as hell, he's breathing real hard,
movin' closer, she says 'hon you don't look so well'
And then he says move
She says no
He says move
She says no
BITCH MOVE!!! she moves, and then, he looks at the cabinet,
he walks to the cabinet, get close to the cabinet, now he's opening the cabinet.
Now pause the movie cos what I'm about to say to ya'll is so damn twisted,
Not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man... is a MIDGET!

(CHAPTER 10)
Now the midget jumps outta the cabinet and stomps the policemen on his toe
The policemen hoppin’ around on one leg screamin’ "son of bitch" while he runs under the table
He yells ''freeze'' dives over the table and lands on the midget...while the midget is kickin’
real fast screamin’ out “Bridget, Bridget” ,
She yells “darlin’ don't hurt ‘em"
He says “Bridget get yo' ass back”...then he continues to rough up the midget as if the midget was under attack...
Then Bridget runs up to her room, goes in her purse and pulls a number out...
The police puts him on the table and yells "Man, what the hell you doin' in my house?!"
He whips cherry pie crust off his mouth and says man, I was paid not to tell you
Then the police pulls his gun out and yells trespassin’ man I got the right to shoot you..
The midget says “mister, the man that pay me to this would kill me if I tell”
He points the gun in his face, the midget say ''god I think I just shitted on myself''
Now at Sylvester's house Twon gotta patch on his shoulder playin’ cards getting’ alone
There laughing and talking when Sylvester says Gwendolyn, baby, get the phone
Then she walks away from the table picks it up and say "hello" there's a lady on the other line panic-n-
cryin’ and talkin’ all off the wall,
Gwen says “wait slow down, who am I talkin’ to”
"My names Bridget and I found your number in my husband's pocket, I had to call you"
two minutes later Gwen shakin’ her head sayin’ “girl I understand,” Sylvester says “who is it baby?”
She hangs up and gives him the address,
Now meanwhile back at the policemen house the midget cryin’ his ass off while he lyin’ through his teeth ‘bout
to get his lil’ ass told off,
Then Bridget bust in the kitchen with a double barrel sayin’ "James I can't let you do this"
Then he looks at her and says “what? You shoot me for this
fuckin’ midget” she says "I love him"

Now Bridget and James starin’ each other down slowly backin’ apart, then the midget takes his inhaler out
and says “this is not good for my heart,”
Then James says "Bridget don't make me do this baby put the gun down"...that’s when Sylvester and Twon
busted up in the house... and says you put the gun down..whoo while Twon & Sylvester are sniffin’ around...
tryna figure out what’s that smell...as they turn and look at each other like whaaat the...hell.....?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 13:17, 17 replies)

First born,
three months old, colicky for the next three months, me and the missus unable to stitch together two hours sleep.
A judicious shake might have cured all that.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 13:06, 3 replies)

Colonel Abrams.
Bet no-one's said that yet.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 12:22, 1 reply)

haha lol yeah Josef Fritzl imprisoned and repeatedly raped his own daughter for 24 years haha
It was well LOL.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 8:27, 3 replies)

One time I was hiking in the mountains and fell into a deep crevasse, then I died.

( Zuowan, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 6:27, Reply)

A friend of mine recently revealed his chronic fear of realistic puppets.
When I asked why, he said that he accidentally knocked over a shelf in a locked closet when he was a child and flooded the room with hundreds of puppets, squashing and almost suffocating him. Amazingly, the puppet fear is bigger than claustrophobia, since he says that while he was in there all he could think about were those staring eyes.
(Avnas dosh!, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 5:54, Reply)

There was this one time when the other kids in my class locked me outside so I went round to the window pushed it up from the outside but my fingers got caught between the two panes of glass.
I was then trapped there for a good few minutes whilst my classmates repeatedly punched me in the stomach through the window.

Yeah, school was fucking shit, thanks for reminding me about that you bunch of cunts
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 0:58, 1 reply)

Stuck in a bog.
That's it. The whole story. The rest is just padding. If you have anything better to do, go and do it. You have been warned.

Me and the missus hadn't been out for a while, what with the relatively recent arrival of our firstborn, and when I saw a band we'd both liked in our youth reformed and playing the O2, plans were made. I found a lovely, huge suite in a nice hotel (for cheap, ish), sorted out a catamaran ride with champagne and strawberries to the venue, put a spare croissant in my pocket - it was all planned, months in advance. All kept secret. I'd done it right.

After a few pints at the O2's shitty overpriced bars, I tottered quite merrily to the bog. There was a long line for the urinal, but no-one was using the throne at the far end - so past the hoi polloi I strode, with a knowing smile, proud that my acute observations had saved me a wait. I pulled the door shut with gusto - at which point, it became apparent why this luxury had been left vacant. The low toilet, the handrail, the alarm cord - I'd accidentally become that cunt who thinks he's good enough to use the disabled toilet, whilst everyone else observes convention and waits patiently for their turn at the trough.

Nope. Embarrassing as sloping back out, and to the back of the queue, would be - had to be done. I hate people who abuse things that only work by consensus. Turning to leave, I was delighted to see that my purposeful entry had somehow wrenched the outward-opening cubicle door inside the frame. With the hinges already pulled beyond their normal resting point, it wouldn't open inwards, either. But I didn't really have any options; there was the alarm cord, of course, but I'd have to fake a disability just to save some face. And the gig was due to start.

So I pulled the door inward as gently as I was able. Inch by protesting inch, it started to yield. The top hinge gave up the ghost and broke, falling to the tiled floor with a tiny little "clink" that seemed louder than a cathedral bell. But it was enough for me to slip through, out to face the disapproving glares of the queue. I hated them for their judgement. It was an honest mistake. I gave a little shrug which I hope conveyed my contrition and embarrassment and started to trudge away, at which point the bottom hinge broke and the door fell off.

Wasn't my proudest moment. The gig was OK though.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 23:36, 10 replies)

One of my favourite entertainers is the American Mr Tracy Marrow.
He acts, sings in a metal band and makes podcasts. But I think my favourite bit of all his media career was when T Rapped.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 22:00, 3 replies)

How does a Yorkshire storyteller describe a particularly invested audience?
T'rapt.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 21:53, 3 replies)

When my sister was 11 she was locked in a car by a rather predatory gentleman.
She thought her ordeal was over when he was pulled over by a couple of coppers. However, justice was never done as he punched one of the officers for correctly spotting his intentions and the case was thrown out.

:(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 21:08, 2 replies)

When we were kids, my sister licked a frigid, outdoor propane tank
Provided much schadenfreude for a naughty boy.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 20:10, 5 replies)

We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out.
Because I love you too much baby.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 28 Feb 2014, 19:45, 12 replies)

Locked in the office
I left my keys in work and didn't realise until I had cycled halfway home. I went back to the office assuming the cleaner would still be there but she had already gone and locked up. My house and office keys clearly visible where I'd left them.
None of my colleagues were answering their mobiles so I went home to think of a plan.

I had left a window ajar but it was too small to fit my fat ass through (nearly another QOTW story in itself).
In the end I dragged the wheelie bins to the window, used the mini screwdriver from my bike toolkit to unscrew and take out the uPVC window, slide through the hole legs first, go out the back door with the car keys too retrieve the spare front door keys and open the door. It was like something from the crystal maze.

The sad thing is, several people walked past and the neighbours either side were both at home and nobody challenged the wierd looking guy breaking into his house.
Now I know how easy it was to get in, I'm a bit more security conscious.
( thistle, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 18:46, 1 reply)

Not very well thought out security
Marconi offices in Basildump, early 90's, was a crap-hole, and none-to-well thought out.

The reception area was a small grotty room, with a glass panel keeping the receptionist safe from terrorists and sweaty reps. She had to unlock the inner door to get you into the rest of the building, unless you had a key card.

One evening a bright spark led one of the aforementioned sweaty reps out, through the inner door and said his goodbyes. Unfortunately as it was out of hours, the outer doors were locked. Apparently as he turned round, the inner door closed, leaving him trapped.

Employees used another exit, so the poor sod was trapped for well over an hour until a passing security guard saved him.

He never came back.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 18:29, 2 replies)

I'm stuck in reality.
Some of us are somewhat more fortunate and get to live in a universe of hilarious delusions
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 18:27, 6 replies)

November, and the central heating had just started leaking everywhere
It was my own fault, I suppose. NEVER run a 'cleaning' solution through your system if the muck is the only thing keeping it watertight!

So I stayed up all night draining and removing all 4 rads in the flat. At 8am 4 shiny new rads turned up. I lugged them up to the 2nd floor and set about hanging them on the walls. Wifey goes to work.

I drilled a couple of holes for the first bracket, then moved up to the other end and drilled 2 more. Then I stuck my finger into one of the holes "to clear it". The 100-year old, filthy, splintered laths parted easily and then closed on my finger like a vice studded with needles. A little blood. Oh. Then I realised that all my tools were 2 metres away at the far end of the rad. I was alone in the house. What a plonker.
I tried for about 10 minutes to coax a screwdriver towards me with my outstretched toes, the whole while trying not to push, pull or twist my finger. Eventually I took off my trousers (no mean feat when you're one-handed and in pain) and used them to drag/snag a screwdriver to within reach.

My wife was very emotional when I told her about it later.

Be safe, kids!
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 28 Feb 2014, 18:16, 3 replies)