Liquid paper, liquid lunch.
A LOT of my unemployed days were spent up at my 'friends' house, Craigy "coonta" Sommerville. The olive skinned result of a liason between a malaysian sailor and a very white scottish strumpet.

He had other comedy nicknames, such as - Lamborghini Coontach, and Paula Abdul to name but a few. He never seeemed to mind, incidentally.

He was also the most profilic, bare faced liar you ever had the displeasure to meet, however, he had a 4 bedroom detached villa and it was empty, all day, every day.

Anyway, i arrive at his place, intent on a day packed with Going For Gold, The Perishers and vast amounts of inhalants.

Oh yes, kind reader, in my youth i danced with the devil, in a big way.

On this day our cups truly did runneth over. Not only did we have the usual lemon air freshener, special cancer edition, but we had a few bottles of the old Tippex and it's even nastier sister, Tippex Thinner.

So, we decanted the evilness into a crisp packet and started huffing, and huffing, aaaaaaaand projectile vomiting, all over the bathroom floor.

Now, this wouldn't have been that bad, had we not just consumed a family sized tin of Heinz Tomato Soup, each. The resulting slurry must have looked exactly like blood, because Coonta started jibbering and freaking out big time. Staggering about the place like the pathetic cunt he was, but not as pathetic as me. Lying there, gurgling and bubbling red effluence.

Eventually he smells the stomach soup and decides i'm not dying. However he does have the problem of a half litre of bile and tomato soup to contend with.

My head is fucking BOUNCING and i genuinely think i am going over to the other side, tunnel vision kicks in and i nearly piss myself.

All the while i can hear Henry Kelly quizzing non UK Nationals about the birthplace of Shakespeare.

Sven from Norway eventually guesses correctly.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:27, 3 replies)

Fucking hell Cance
That's a really disturbing tale.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:17, closed)

i would say 'cheers'
but, unfortunately i have lots more like that..

did I tell you the one being under a tarpaulin with a motorbike, huffing straight from the petrol tank then freaking out because i thought i was trapped under the wing of a giant moth?


Don't do it kids, just don't...
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:23, closed)

Fuckin hell
Hardcore.
( rofl harris, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 20:27, closed)