How to capture an alien
Apparently, 5% of the population of the United States believe that they have been abducted by aliens at some point in their lives. Whilst this goes some way to explaining the popularity of books like Whitley Streibers, and episodes of the X-Files, it also does beg some questions about our extraterrestrial visitors.
5% of the population of the US is about 15,000,000 people. To abduct and anally probe that many people, even over a 20-year span, would mean sneaking into the homes, snatching away and molesting the rectum of over 2000 people very single night for that time.

Assuming that your average American is reporting honestly, there is only one conclusion which we can draw from this: the aliens have an obsession with anally probing people which doesn't so much border on pathology as represents full-blown psychosis. Who knows why it's US citizens who get the abduction treatment more than anyone else in the world? Perhaps the sheer vastness of the American arse is uniquely alluring to your alien prober. Perhaps it's something in the American diet. Who can say?

Well, the aliens could, obviously, and that's how you go about capturing one. Simply get a sizable number - a few hundred, or thousands - of US citizens to drop their trousers and raise their arses to the sky on a clear, starry night and the saucers will descend in force. It's impossible that they won't; such is the obsession with backsides demonstrated by the aliens that an opportunity like this will be too powerful for them to resist.

And then we spring the trap.

Who's with me?
(davywavy, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 11:52, 7 replies)

well ...
.. I'd hate to have to analyse the satellite photos taken on that day.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:27, closed)

Satellite photos?
I think that Google Earth could only be enlivened by the project.
(davywavy, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:38, closed)

Sounds like a plan to me.
How do we go about choosing the best arses.
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:50, closed)

Best Arses?
Plainly we have to choose the biggest, not the best. This is America, after all.
(davywavy, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:58, closed)

damnit
why cant we use the best, i mean if there are going to be thousands of arses on display we could at least make it worth watching, and besides you have to think about the area that several thousand giant american asses would cover, smaller perter bottoms would mean it was easier to reach the probers when they arrive
(pogo_it, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 17:03, closed)

The problem with using small, pert arses
Is that, if you've ever watched Jerry Springer, the people most likely to claim to have been abducted are the fattest things you've ever seen.
I'd go so far as to suggest that there is a direct relationship between the size of arse and the liklihood of abduction. Now some people might claim that this is merely lonely, unhappy people making outrageous claims to get some sort of validation from attention, but I disagree. I think it means that the aliens really enjoy probing the biggest arses they can possibly find, and that explains why they abduct so many people from the midwest.
(davywavy, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 10:23, closed)

Exactly!
It sounds like a great experiment - I even know a great place to set it up in Nebraska.
(aeon chicken Like the Millenium Falcon, only slower and noisier, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 21:44, closed)