too many to tell: i used to be a bartender, after all.
i used the fake petition prank a few times to alleviate boredom. i think the best one was a petition demanding that the city of toronto not change the name of yonge street (big long 'famous' road, of all stupid things) to pierre elliot trudeau boulevard (probably our best known prime minister of the last century). nothing gets the grump into people like a political teasejob, so i had three pages of signatures in a couple of hours. of course, i was working day bar then, and men who start drinking at 1:00 pm on a regular basis are probably not tough to dupe.

back in university i got a job as a sperm donor (yes, it pays rather well), and several acquanitances got all frothily jealous and applied to the program. they were silly enough to tell me when they applied, so i phoned one of them a few days before i knew they'd be calling him. poor walt...


"hello, this is dr. prankmonster from the fertility clinic. is this walter bimbodink?"

"yes."

"good. i'm sorry to tell you that you were not accepted as a donor, but i do have some questions about your donation. have you ever worked in a nuclear power plant?"

"what?! no!" (quavering voice)

"really? how interesting. maybe your family lived under a large grouping of power lines for many years. is that the situation?"

"god, no! what's going on? what did you find?!"

"well mr. bimbodink, your sperm is rather unusual. in fact, you have the most unusual sperm i've ever seen and i've worked in fertility clinics for over thirty years. you don't have a very old microwave oven, do you? one that's broken some and could be leaking?"

"no! no! no! nothing like that! what's wrong with my sperm?!" (clear panic at this point)

"calm down, please sir, i'm sure there's nothing wrong, but we would like you to bring us another few samples, please. don't use a plastic cup, though -- do you have, say, a couple of metal thermoses? we need to protect our staff. you have most unusual sperm, some have two heads, others are just masses of tails."

"oh my god! yes, i can do that. will it help me? am i sick?"

"you may be, sir, we'll have to run some more tests. no sexual activity for you for a while, though, other than masturbating for us. we need a minimum of three samples, preferably by the end of the day, by tomorrow at 10:00 am at latest. and please tell reception the nature of your sample and why precautions are required to ensure safety."

"ok." (weeping sounds)


poor walt. i think if i were gullible enough to fall for this, i'd have difficulty jacking off three times in a short span of time while being worried i was spiderfuckingman. i phoned him later to tell him everything was fine, but i would have paid a hundred butter tarts to have seen him arrive at the clinic with three thermoses containing his semen and asking for them to be handled carefully because they were radioactive.
( postbear has metal knees, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 7:14, Reply)