Denty's Wedding
In Manchester in my youth I had the dubious pleasure to be best man at my mates wedding. This being my life it had to be the second most weird wedding I ever attended (the weirdest was my own but I'm trying to forget that one...).

Bear with me here - this tales gets quite convoluted. This tale started when I got a phone-call from Denty telling me that his GF had dumped him. He was in pain and in a bad way. So I upped sticks from the North East and headed to Manchester to look after him. When I arrived we went on the piss and stayed on it for 6 weeks. I can hardly remember a thing about that bender only that it involved lots of drinking, lots of slutty women and a not inconsiderable amount of drugs. When we finally came round it was to find that Denty had somehow managed to get himself engaged!

Anyway, Denty being Denty decided to go ahead with the marriage as quickly as possible and we trotted down to the registry office to get the paperwork sorted out and get the deed done in double quick time. The bride and groom just wanted a quick and dirty wedding with nobody being told about it(no family, no friends no hassle) so we arranged the wedding for the following Friday. Friday rolls around and the four of us (me, Denty, his bride and her best friend) headed for the registry office. We got there and the most surreal service in the world took place. The bride was wearing a duffle coat. Me and Denty were wearing black leathers and the maid-of-honour was wearing a fucking black cloak and looked like a witch.

All through the ceremony I kept whispering to Denty out of the side of my mouth. "It's not too late.-If you run now you still make it. If she tries to chase you I'll trip her.." Causing the groom to burst into fits of giggles. Eventually the ceremony drew to a close and the Registrar said "You may now kiss the bride!
Denty looked up at her and said "Do I *have* to?" Getting his first slap of his married life.

Ceremony over we headed downstairs to find a bar and a drink. Now unknown to Denty I'd decided that it just wasn't on to keep his wedding a secret from all of our friends and so I'd hatched yet another cunning plan. I'd arranged for all of our mates to turn up outside the registry office with bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale (Denty's favourite tipple) and, when we appeared after the wedding, to shake them up and spray the happy couple champagne style. A good plan. With one teeny flaw.

What I'd failed to take into account was that Manchester's registry office is a bloody big place and there were several other weddings going on at the same time. The place was packed with Brides in white dresses, men in suits and women in all their finery. Cue 40 pissed up bikers appearing and spraying gallons of stinking brown ale all over the various wedding parties and the scene was set for a fight of fucking biblical proportions!

There brides crying, women screaming - enraged fathers and dripping wet grannies. Knots of tussling men were everywhere and finally we heard the wail of sirens....

"Run like fuck!" yelled somebody and we all took to our heels and scattered.

Now that's what I call a wedding.

Tonight being Friday I'm going to get:
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 12:44, Reply)