Copy and Pasted
Plot Synopsis of shite rom-com which at some point includes a marriage. Oh the hilarity.

Bunch of dick-skippers.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 10:39, 11 replies)

I must be a jinx...
In my spare time I do a fair bit of photography (mostly landscapes and nature, but I can turn my hand to most stuff).

So of course, various friends all asked me the same questions. "Can you do our wedding photos?" Yeah, of course I can.

Right, where to start? Couple number 1 I guess. Names omitted to protect the guilty. Friend meets girl in Europe (she's Serbian). He doesn't speak a word of Serbian. She doesn't speak a word of English. Although they're both fluent in Esperanto. So, he pulls her, they get together, they get engaged. Just over a year later, she buggers off. Turns out that she was only after "right to reside" in the UK after all. Now divorced.

Couple number 2: Some older bird (40s) I used to work with, who ended up being a good friend. She's turned into a proper biker chick. She meets this biker at a rally. They have wild sex. They end up getting together, then getting engaged. A year later, she discovered he'd been having a string of affairs. She punched him in the face, in public, and gave him a stonking nosebleed. Now divorced.

Couple number 3: A chap I've known since primary school, we share a birthday (and thus totally disprove astrology). Met some chick from the Midlands who moved back to this area, would have been around 10 years ago now. They got together, got engaged, got married after about 18 months. At which point he turns into (in her words) a "bigoted racist bully". She has a son, who was 10 years old when they got together (he's now 20). He used the kid as a punchbag. Tried it once when I was over there (kid would have been about 12-13 at the time and this chap just laid into him for no apparent reason). I took him to the floor and held him there, then said to kid "go on, have a free shot, get your own back!" Anyway, she booted him out in the end, and now I won't have anything to do with him. Me and her (and her son, now 20) are still all friends.

Couple no 4: A good friend of mine from Australia, married a local girl (so, shallow gene pool then?) after being together for 12 months. They were married for 2 years. She went loopy, walked out, was reported missing for 2 weeks then finally turned up at her parents' house. And straight into the funny farm on a nice section. Now divorced.

Couple no 5: A bird I've known for many years (since she was 16). Finally seems to have met Mr Right. I did her wedding photos, she wanted me to even after I'd warned her about couples 1 to 4. All seems good so far though.

TL;DR - 4 of my friends got married, I did their wedding photos, they later split up for various reasons, either because he was an asshole or she was mentally unstable. Am hoping the same doesn't happen with 5th friend.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 9:45, 100 replies)

When the ring wouldnt go on...
"use lube" was shouted from the back - much to my amusement
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Sun 9 Nov 2014, 23:14, Reply)

Bouncy
Last year I went to an open-doors evening where you could try out urban stilts, the summer hipster acrobat accessory of the year, and spent a couple of hours sproinging about and miraculously avoiding knocking out all my teeth. There was a couple there who were going to get married in the near future, and they were determined to exchange vows while on said urban stilts, so they came down to try them out. That is all.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 9 Nov 2014, 7:49, 4 replies)

my wedding was very nice and everbody had a good time and it didn't cost us much money

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 9 Nov 2014, 0:11, 6 replies)

£100 grand closed the Forth bridge shotgun wedding fat bride alcoholism anger management bankruptcy divorce
Good evening.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 8 Nov 2014, 14:14, 4 replies)

Danse macabre
The worst wedding story I ever came across happened not to me, but to friends of friends. During the 80s this couple were medics in a war-torn African state (really not sure which one) and saw some pretty harrowing stuff on a regular basis.

They had successfully treated the infant son of one of the local chiefs of something that could have become quite serious and, as a thank-you, were invited to a wedding in his village a month or so later. It was certainly a big deal to be invited and they were quite looking forward to going. They had been assured that all trouble had receded from the locality and they would have safe passage to and from the village, which was a fair distance away.

The original plan had been to make the half-day journey on the eve of the wedding but circumstances at their clinic forced them to delay their departure until the day of the ceremony itself. They set off before dawn with four bodyguards and were not even half way to their destination when they heard the muffled sound of a huge explosion and saw, in the distance, a thick plume of black smoke begin to climb its way into the sky, where it ominously seemed to hang without movement for a very long time.

They had no idea what had happened, or where it had happened except that it was ahead of them, but the road they were on went through a mix of open country and jungle and, as far as they knew, only really went to the village they were headed for. It didn't look good.

And so it proved. When they arrived, several hours later, they were greeted by the most appalling carnage you can imagine. They never found out what had caused the initial explosion. There was all sorts of faction fighting at the time, but the chief they were visiting had a solid reputation for diplomacy within the country and had managed to keep his people out of trouble. But whether it had been a bomb or a mortar attack, the explosion had happened in the most populous area of the village and had caused maximum damage.

The worst, however, was yet to some. As if the explosion itself hadn't killed enough people, the perpetrators, who had been concealed in the surrounding jungle, had then systematically gone through the village and hacked almost every man, woman and child to death. Not just by a couple of machete blows, but by severing each limb and head from the torso. The body count was bad enough, but trying to assess numbers from the body parts that littered the whole village must have been truly horrendous.

But this was their job and it was all they could do to set to work. There were no survivors from those who had been attacked, but some villagers had managed to flee into the surrounding jungle and hide from their assailants.

The medics then had to try and reassemble the bodies. They knew that tribal custom considered it paramount for the dead to be buried complete, even if the body parts were separated, and buried within a distinct (and short) timeframe. All that night and all the next day, through the heat and the swarms of flies that settled on every piece of flesh available, they put the villagers back together as best they could.

But sadly, their best efforts weren't enough. They had radioed for help, which had come in the form of several truckloads of soldiers and several more truckloads of cheap wooden coffins, which were to be used to bury the dead.

And no matter how they tried, they still had body parts left over – and not even a matching number. Nor did they have enough coffins for the number of bodies they ought to have had. As the hour approached for the mass burials and the remaining villagers, plus those from friendly neighbouring villages, gathered for a much more macabre ceremony than the one they had planned to attend, the medics realised that they simply could not complete the task they had undertaken.

And with a degree of desperate and exhausted resignation (unsurprising, as they had had very little sleep) they placed all the remaining heads into one coffin, crammed the remaining torsos into another, and the legs and arms into the last two, nailing down the lids and hoping that no-one would ever find out.

They almost didn’t - until the pallbearers carrying the coffin tripped on route to the grave, sending it crashing to the ground. It burst open and the degree of consternation caused by the sight of a boxful of betrainered limbs spilling across the hallowed earth of the village burial ground forced the medics to flee for safety and also very nearly caused an international incident.

And so, despite their best efforts, they were forced to admit – you should never put all your legs in one casket.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 8 Nov 2014, 5:35, 18 replies)

Last
Wedding I went to someone forgot to change the question:
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 8 Nov 2014, 1:14, Reply)

Oh, I fucked up someones wedding once. Kind of.
Our neighbour in Brazil's daughter married an English guy. We were invited to the wedding as we were friends of the Mum, and (I suspect more importantly to them) both spoke English and Portuguese and were handy translators.

Before we went, my wife says to me 'Actually, they already got married in England, in a registry office last month. This is just for the Brazilians to celebrate it'.

So, mingling around, ended up talking to the groom and his (English) parents who had traveled over for the wedding.

'So Phil' I said. 'Nice of you to do all this for the Brazilians. Do they know you already got married in the UK last month?'.

Phil suddenly looks shifty. His Mum looks puzzled. His Dad, after a slight pause says 'I doubt it. They didn't fucking tell us either'.

Oops.

I mentioned this to my wife, as I casually sauntered away and left Phil to his hissing parents.

'Oh yeah', she says. 'Forgot to say - don't tell anyone they're already married'.
(username failed moderation, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 15:52, 5 replies)

As part of the "entertainment" there was a welly wanging contest.
The challenge ended when my attempt landed atop the marquee.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 7 Nov 2014, 13:57, 4 replies)

chthonic's illness seems to have returned :(
4eva n r hartz
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 11:43, 1 reply)

I fucked Vanessa Feltz in the cunt

(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 10:57, 16 replies)

It didn't last long
I was about to split up with a bloke as the relationship was becoming domestic and passionless, then he did the whole bended knee thing and proposed to me. I got swept up in the romance of it.

At the reception, my dad delivered on my request for "an embarrassing speech", but not in the affectionately piss-taking, baby photos-type way I'd imagined. Instead, he listed all the times I'd been arrested as a teenager, for petty crime and public order offences, as I felt like sinking into the floor and the groom's very middle class and ambitious family all awkwardly stared at their table.

Two weeks later, I found out my husband owed thousands of pounds in unpaid tax, was massively in debt and had lied to me about his previous relationships. I moved out soon after and filed for divorce as soon as I could.

Not getting married again.
(Porcupine, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 10:53, 5 replies)

the last wedding I went to was fabulous. the wedding was in Madrid. the ceremony was in the crypt of Almudena Cathedral.
The ceremony was in Spanish and there were no subtitles. If there had been subtitles I would have been aware that the ceremony was not a wedding.The actual wedding secretly held in England a few weeks later.

The wedding feast was excellent. The best part of the day was watching Colombia beat Uruguay. The bride is Colombian and obviously it was an exciting event for her relatives and Colombian friends. At full time her wedding dress looked like the one out of Kill Bill, swapping blood for red wine.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 9:43, 4 replies)

At my cousin's wedding, my uncle put a largish amount of money behind the bar so that everyone could have a good time
A couple of lads chanced across the reception at the local golf club (where, being pissed, I'd already taken one of the stupid little electric carts for a joyride around the course) and had noticed that no-one appeared to be paying for their drinks, so they thought they'd have a bit of that.

Now, there are ways and means of doing this. If you happen to crash a wedding's free bar, you probably won't trip anyone's radar by ordering a couple of pints of lager and a packet of crisps. Hell, the proud father would probably be happy to buy a couple of beers as long as you toast the bride with them. Not these chancers. They ordered a couple of quadruple vodkas with coke each, plus a selection of alcopops, not realising that the man standing next to them at the bar was the man who was paying.

All it took was a tiny shake of his head to the barman and our intrepid heroes found themselves being charged about £90 for the round. "But we thought it was a free bar!" one of them protested. "It is for the wedding guests," replied the barman. "Don't want them now," they said and started to back away from the bar, only to bump into my uncle and my other cousin, the bride's brother. At this point, the smarter of the two produced a debit card.

However, the bar was cash only so while one of them stayed behind under the watchful eye of my extended family, the other had to get a taxi back into town so he could go to a cashpoint and withdraw the money and then pay for the taxi back to the golf club where his mate and their now flat and warm drinks were waiting.

I don't think they tasted quite as good after all that.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 9:42, 34 replies)

'ang on a minute! These are all bloody films.

(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 8:39, 17 replies)

John Beckwith (Owen Wilson) and Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn) are divorce mediators in Washington D.C. The two friends frequently "crash" wedding parties to meet and bed women, working from a set of rules taught to them by a retired crasher, Chazz Reinhold (Will Ferrell). The duo always has cover stories for inquisitive guests and inevitably become the hit of every reception by using their charm and lies to avoid being caught. Their goals are to enjoy the free food and drinks and ultimately to charm their way into bed with women from the wedding for a one-night stand. After a sequence of successful crashes, Jeremy takes John to a wedding for the daughter of the U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, William Cleary (Christopher Walken). Once inside, the pair set their sights on Cleary's other daughters, Gloria (Isla Fisher) and Claire (Rachel McAdams). Jeremy ends up having sex with Gloria on a nearby beach while the reception is taking place. Gloria is possessive and quickly becomes obsessed with Jeremy. She claims to have been a virgin until the encounter, which shocks Jeremy, and he urges John to bail on the reception with him.

Meanwhile, John is attempting to court Claire, the maid of honor, but he is interrupted by her hotheaded boyfriend, Sack Lodge (Bradley Cooper), who later turns out to want to date Claire only because of William's political power and is shown to openly mock and cheat on her behind her back. Later, John convinces Jeremy to accept the family's invitation to an extended weekend party at their family compound. Once there, Jeremy, John, and other members of the family play a game of touch football, which ends with Jeremy being hurt by an over-aggressive Sack. Gloria tends to him, while trying to engage him in sexual intercourse at the same time. At dinner later that evening, Gloria gives Jeremy a hand job under the dinner table, while John spikes Sack's wine with eye-drops. Sack becomes sick, which lets John further connect with Claire, and they agree to go for a walk following dinner. John goes to his room to change his shoes, but William's wife, Kathleen (Jane Seymour), makes John fondle her surgically enhanced breasts, then rebuffs his actions, much to John's confusion. Later that night, Gloria ties up Jeremy and proceeds to rape him, saying she is being "adventurous" and is fulfilling fantasies. That same night, Gloria's gay brother, Todd (Keir O'Donnell), paints a provocative portrait of Jeremy and tries to seduce him, but is interrupted by his father. The next morning, Jeremy asks John if they can go home, but John convinces him to stay, which helps Jeremy realize that John is falling for Claire.

That afternoon, the family (minus Sack) go sailing, where John and Claire continue to bond. Following the sailing trip, the family (with Sack now joining them) go on a hunting trip, where Zack intentionally shoots in the direction of Jeremy and John which startles them and ends up with Jeremy being shot in the buttocks. After the hunting trip, John and Claire go on a bike ride through the country, and they end up at a secluded beach. Claire finally admits she isn't sure how she feels about Sack and ends up kissing John passionately. Meanwhile, Gloria is tending to Jeremy's wounds and reveals to Jeremy that she was not a virgin when they met and that she only said that because that's what she thought he would like to hear. Jeremy realizes that he may be in love with Gloria. Later that day while eating lunch, Sack announces (untruthfully) that he and Claire are engaged, leaving Claire at a loss for words. Outside, John is about to convince Claire to be with him, when they are interrupted by Jeremy being chased out of the house. Sack emerges and forces John and Jeremy to tell the truth about who they really are, as he had them privately investigated. John reluctantly reveals their true identities, and William kicks them out. While leaving, Todd wants his portrait back, but Jeremy tells him that he's keeping it as a gift; this gives Todd some relief knowing that someone took him seriously as an artist. Jeremy and Gloria briefly confess their love to each other.

John and Jeremy return to their normal lives. During that time, Jeremy is trying to keep his relationship with Gloria a secret when John comes in to talk to him. He has formulated a new way to try and reconcile with Claire by trying to be a waiter at her engagement party. Jeremy tries to convince him that his attempts to reconcile with her were unsuccessful and he needs to let it go by coming to terms with the fact that Claire doesn't want anything to do with him. While pretending to be a waiter, John is caught and brutally beaten by Sack while his friends hold him still. Once he recovers, he goes to search for Jeremy (who was supposed to have helped him), but instead finds him still at his house and having sex with Gloria. When John learns the truth, he's upset by it and it causes a rift between him and Jeremy. John crashes several more weddings alone, but behaves erratically due to his state of depression, and soon becomes nihilistic and suicidal. Meanwhile, Jeremy continues his relationship with Gloria, culminating in an accepted marriage proposal, and Claire begins to doubt her relationship with Sack. Jeremy attempts to reconcile with John, asking him to be his best man, but John refuses. John then goes to meet their mentor, Chazz Reinhold (an uncredited Will Ferrell), to reaffirm Jeremy's apparent stupidity in getting engaged. During the visit, Chazz talks him into crashing a funeral, as Chazz believes that grief is the best aphrodisiac. While there, John takes notice of a woman who is truly grieving for her husband because she loved him. He reconsiders his stance on love and marriage and rushes to Jeremy's wedding.

John joins the wedding mid-ceremony to Jeremy's delight, but soon disrupts it by attempting to speak to Claire. Claire, in tears, leaves the altar, but John quickly professes his love to her and his feelings of regret of his past behavior toward women. Zack interrupts, asking Claire to return to the altar so the wedding can be finished. Claire finally tells Zack that she can't marry him. He turns to William for help, but instead William states his full support of his daughter's decision to reject Sack, after William admits he put up with Sack because he thought Claire was happy. Clearly angry, Sack demands that Claire to return to the altar. John states that everyone is getting a good preview of what it would be like to be married to Sack (whom he refers to as Ike Turner, referencing his abuse of his ex-wife Tina). Sack loses control of himself and rushes at John, but Jeremy intervenes and knocks him out.

The film ends with Jeremy getting married to Gloria, John uniting with Claire, and the two couples driving away talking about crashing another wedding together.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 8:12, 2 replies)

From working in a bar I have established the following rule:
The amount of JD & coke people order at a function is in direct proportion to how chavvy it is.

That is all.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 8:02, 12 replies)

Annie Walker (Kristen Wiig) is a single woman in her late 30s. Following the failure of her bakery, she lost her boyfriend and her savings, reducing her career to a sales clerk at a jewelry store and forcing her to share an apartment with an obnoxious roommate Gil (Matt Lucas) and his sister Brynn (Rebel Wilson). Her business's failure was so painful that she has given up baking entirely. She has a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with the self-absorbed Ted (Jon Hamm) but hopes for something more from him. Her best friend Lillian Donovan (Maya Rudolph) is virtually her only source of happiness.

Lillian becomes engaged and asks Annie to be her maid of honor. At the engagement party, Annie meets her fellow bridesmaids: Lillian's cynical cousin Rita (Wendi McLendon-Covey); idealistic friend Becca (Ellie Kemper); raunchy future sister-in-law Megan (Melissa McCarthy); and Helen Harris III (Rose Byrne), the beautiful but over-the-top wife of Lillian's fiancée's boss. Helen and Annie, who are both jealous of the other's friendship with Lillian, take an instant, strong dislike to each other, but Lillian persuades them to spend time together.

Annie takes Lillian and the bridesmaids to a Brazilian steak restaurant for lunch before going to a chic bridal shop. However, Helen must use her influence to gain access to the shop when Annie neglects to make a reservation. While trying on gowns, the whole party—with the exception of Helen, who did not eat food at the restaurant—becomes sick from food poisoning, ruining their afternoon. Later, Annie's suggestion of a bachelorette party at Lillian's parents' lake house is overruled in favor of a trip to Las Vegas planned by Helen. Worried about her finances and too proud to accept a ticket paid for by Helen, Annie books a ticket in coach while the rest of the party flies first class. However, the trip is cut short due to an outburst from Annie, who because of her fear of flying had accepted a sedative from Helen. The scene on board the plane forces an emergency landing in Casper, Wyoming, after which the party takes a bus back home. Annie apologizes, but Lillian tells Annie she wants Helen to take over planning the shower and wedding, both because "she does this sort of thing all the time" and also to take some pressure off Annie's shoulders.

Annie continues to hope for a relationship with Ted, but begins flirting with Officer Nathan Rhodes (Chris O'Dowd), a friendly state patrolman who had earlier let her off without a ticket for broken tail lights. Nathan encourages her to open a new bakery, but Annie refuses. Following a night together, the next morning Nathan buys baking supplies with which he suggests Annie make them breakfast. Offended and overwhelmed, Annie leaves. Annie is later fired from her job for being rude to a customer and kicked out of her apartment by her roommates, forcing her to move in with her mother.

Annie travels to Chicago for the bridal shower at Helen's home, which has been transformed into a Paris-themed event. Helen then upstages Annie's heartfelt, handmade shower gift by giving Lillian a trip to Paris, an idea Annie expressed earlier, which Helen stole. Enraged that Helen has taken credit for the Parisian theme, Annie throws a temper tantrum. She is kicked out of the shower and the wedding. On her way home, Annie is involved in a car accident, but the other driver flees the scene. Nathan happens to be the responding officer, and admonishes her for not fixing her tail lights and taking responsibility for her life. He storms off when Ted arrives to give Annie a ride. When Ted asks Annie to perform oral sex on him on the way home, she breaks off the relationship and walks home.

Top to bottom: Saturday Night Live alumnae Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph star in the film.Throughout the next several days, Annie becomes reclusive, refusing to leave her mother's house and obsessively watching television. After a pep talk from Megan, Annie realizes her errors and tries to make amends with Nathan, but he ignores her. On the day of the wedding, Helen appears at Annie's doorstep distraught; Lillian has disappeared, and Helen begs for Annie's help in finding her. Helen and Annie have a reconciliation of sorts, and Helen apologizes to Annie. The two enlist Nathan to help, and he grudgingly agrees. The group find Lillian at her own apartment, discovering that she ran from her wedding because of Helen's extravagant planning and from fear of leaving her life in Milwaukee. After reconciling, Annie helps Lillian prepare for her wedding.

Annie resumes her place as maid of honor at the wedding. After the wedding, which Annie agrees with Helen is "perfect", Helen again apologizes to Annie and states her hope that they can be friends in the future. Realizing that Annie and Nathan were falling in love, Helen also arranged for him to pick up Annie after the wedding. Nathan and Annie reconcile and the pair ride away in his patrol car.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 8:00, Reply)

Fortoula "Toula" Portokalos (Nia Vardalos) is going through an early midlife crisis. At thirty, she is the only woman in her family who has "failed." Her family expects her to "marry a Greek boy, make Greek babies, and feed everyone until the day she dies." Instead, Toula is stuck working in the family business in Chicago, a restaurant, "Dancing Zorba's." In contrast to her "perfect" sister, Athena (Stavroula Logothetis), Toula is frumpy and cynical. She fears that she is doomed to be stuck with her life as it is.

At the restaurant, Toula briefly sees (and embarrasses herself in front of) Ian Miller (John Corbett), a handsome school teacher. This event, combined with an argument with her overly-patriotic father, Gus (Michael Constantine), who merely wants his daughter to marry and settle down rather than pursue a career, causes Toula to want her own life, away from the restaurant. After being persuaded by his wife, Maria (Lainie Kazan), Gus permits Toula to begin taking computer classes at a local college. She also gets contact lenses, curls her hair, and begins to use make-up, which improves her mood, her confidence, and her self-esteem. Her mother and her Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin) then collectively discuss a way to get Gus to allow Toula to work at Voula's travel agency, though it would be Gus who came up with the idea "all by himself". Despite Aunt Voula having a minor slip-up, Maria and Voula are able to manipulate Gus into shuffling some of the family members around so that Toula can work at Voula's Mount Olympus Travel Agency.

Toula feels much better in her new job, especially when she notices Ian looking at her through the window. Despite Toula initially being terribly shy whenever she sees Ian, they finally introduce themselves indirectly, and they begin dating. Toula keeps the relationship secret from her family, until some weeks later when one of Toula's family members, Vicki Pavalopolis, sees her "sucking the lips off Ian's head" in a Denny's parking lot. Vicki tells her mother, who tells Toula's cousin Nikki's mother, who tells Toula's mother, and this all leads to Gus accidentally finding out about it. He throws a fit because Ian is not an ethnic Greek (a xeno), and he orders Toula to end the relationship, but Ian and Toula continue to see each other against Gus's wishes. Ian proposes marriage to her, and she accepts. Gus is hurt and infuriated, feeling that his daughter has betrayed him, and Ian agrees to be baptized in the Greek Orthodox Church, to be worthy of her family.

As the months pass, the wedding planning hits snag after snag as Toula's numerous relatives "helpfully" interfere. Her father insists on inviting the entire family, all of their friends, and distant relatives to the ceremony. Her mother orders the invitations, but misspells Ian's mother's name (Harry, not Harriet, as it should be), and Toula's cousin Nikki (Gia Carides) orders tacky bridesmaids' dresses, much to Toula's dismay. Toula is horrified to learn that her parents have invited the entire family, to what was meant to be a "quiet" introductory dinner with Ian's demure and private parents. They are not used to such cultural fervor, and they are completely overwhelmed. During the dinner, Rodney and Harriet are both offered copious amounts of ouzo, a very strong Greek alcoholic beverage, and they become extremely tipsy. They cannot help but look on in a daze as Aunt Voula tells them about a lump she had in her neck, which turned out to be her twin. This later prompts Gus to complain about them, saying that "they look at us like we're from the zoo," and "they're dry bread" and "he just wants to apply a little marmalade, but oh no!" and this leads him to again question the upcoming marriage.

The wedding day dawns with liveliness and hysteria, but the traditional Greek wedding itself goes without a hitch. Gus gives a speech accepting Ian and the Millers as his new family (along with telling a miniature tale about the origin of the names Portakalos and Miller). As his wedding gift, he presents the newlyweds with a deed to a new home. Following the reception and colorful Greek dancing, Toula and Ian then drive away to begin their married life together.

An epilogue shows the new couple's life six years later, living in the house purchased by Gus and Maria, next door to their own home. They have had a daughter, Paris, whom they are raising in the Greek tradition. Toula tells her that she can marry anyone she wants when she grows up, after Paris says that she wants to go to Brownies instead of Greek school. Toula replies to her daughter, "I know!" As they walk out of the driveway, Ian says, "Greek school, pame!" and asks his daughter what it means. Paris says, "let's go", much to Ian's delight. The film closes with Toula, Ian, and Paris walking by Gus and Maria's home and saying hello to Gus, who is washing his car with Windex.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 7:57, Reply)

Living in Porpoise Spit, Australia, twenty-two year old Muriel Heslop is a socially awkward (she unfashionably and unabashedly listens to ABBA music), slightly overweight, directionless woman with few life or professional skills. Her lack of self-esteem is fostered by the constant verbal abuse directed at her - and at her siblings - by their politician father, who blames whatever political problems he has on his family, who he deems to be a public embarrassment to him. Muriel's self-esteem takes a further blow when her so-called friends - the popular girls from high school - exclude her from their social circle. Muriel resorts to theft to make herself happy. Her life changes when she runs into another colleague from high school, Rhonda Epinstock. Also not in the popular social circle in high school, Rhonda is now a gregarious, carefree girl who can see Muriel's desire for an equally carefree life. The two move to Sydney together. Out from under the direct criticism of her father, Muriel feels that she can now put behind her all the problems of "Muriel Heslop", even changing her name to Mariel to escape those problems. She also feels she can now achieve true happiness, her primary goal being to get married. Despite continuing problems with her family and a new serious issue with Rhonda, Muriel seizes on what she sees as an opportunity to achieve her primary goal. But a further issue with her family makes Muriel finally come to the realization of what is truly important in her life.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 7:56, 2 replies)

I'll never understand the urge to hold a party with all your friends and family. They're all cunts.
Her father staggered over and said "I've decided I want to give a speech." "No problem," she replies, "do it just before the best man." This just isn't on. He should get to speak first, not wait for his ex-wife to finish.

"Mum's been working on her speech for 2 months," the bride explains, "you've been working on yours since your fifth pint. If you go first you'll say some of the same things and ruin hers."

He has one card left to play, "I don't care, I'm the father of the bride, I want to go first." No dice, she's staying firm, he's second. "Well, if you're going to be like that I don't know why I even came!"

I've never been so glad to just be a guest.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Fri 7 Nov 2014, 3:09, 3 replies)

Stiff Richard appears to have retired
so for the few who haven't seen it, consider yourself pearoasted: b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/post232762
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Thu 6 Nov 2014, 22:24, 9 replies)

QotW
Can I just point out that the Question of the Week needs a little editing,
please change 'Tell us more of your wedding stories.' into a question..thanks!

So anyway I used to work with this greek bloke in a call centre, he was one of the funniest cunts I have ever worked with, having been forced to apologize to a coworker after she filed a complaint for compo because he told her she dressed like a slut, he went into the cubicle office thing with the higher ups and mediators etc, and loud enough so the entire floor could hear it stated "Joanna, i am sincerely sorry that you dress like a slut". Anyway he would get phonecalls from this greek girl two or three times a day, every day, for a year or so, and during every single phone call he would put the phone on speaker every few minutess and we could hear her using every tactic she could think of to get him to marry her, and every single phone call 2 or 3 times a day for a year, whilst she was on speaker phone begging for marriage he would mute the phone and tell the entire floor 'no way, never gonna happen' 'listen to how desperate she is.. its quite sad really, I only fucked her once and afterwards told her it was the worst sex I'd ever had' and 'what do I have to tell this girl to make her stop, not in a million years'. Anyway this whole time he had court cases pending relating to some major credit fraud he had committed at a bank where he worked previously, and upon being sentenced to 2 years in prison, we all got invited to the big greek wedding, which would easily have cost her parents over a hundred grand. At the reception of which the bride caught him doing lines of coke in the toilets whilst getting a blowjob by one of the guests she had invited..
( R2Dtard Poor kids are as smart as white kids, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 15:16, 9 replies)

Before they were married,
my old boss's missus made a drunken bet with one of her gay male friends, insisting that she could suck his cock as well as any man, and offered to prove it. The guy took the bet, she dropped to her knees, he whipped his lad out and they got down to business.

Unfortunately, this was mid-afternoon during a gay pride march, in the middle of the road in front of a church from which a wedding party had just emerged, and who were now staring on in horror.

They were both arrested and convicted of a lesser sex offence, which, as a licencee, she came to find both inconvenient and embarrassing. They weren't asked to participate in the photographs.
(cs1ca, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 12:01, 6 replies)

Big flat gypsy wedding*
On my way to the local shopping precinct when I was about 15, I could see in the distance what looked like a long line of dwarves in the distance. Couldn't work out what the fuck it might be until I got closer and realised it was a line of about thirty people sat along the low perimeter wall of a pub at the top of the road, most of whom were male and clutching pints of Guinness. All of them were suited and booted in the awkward way of people who generally associate such gear with either job interviews or court appearances - in that part of the world at that time, nearly always the latter. And from the bright white dress of the central figure, it was a wedding.

If that wasn't enough to make me nervous, I could hear as I approached accents that identified them as travellers, or tinkers, as they were usually referred to.

Now this wasn't necessarily a bad thing in itself, but local wisdom was that wherever tinkers gathered, a fight was never far away And the likelihood of this seemed to be reinforced by the increasingly raised voices I could hear coming from their direction.

In fact, it was the allegedly happy couple who were already falling out. She was shrieking like a banshee by the time I got level with them, most of it unintelligible (apart from the liberal use of the word fockin') until she finally pulled the ring from her finger and hurled it at the groom, screaming "OI NEVVER WANTED TO FOCKIN' MARRY YEZ IN DE FURST PLACE!" And stormed off into the pub.

He then hurled himself across the lap of the figure next to him - who, it turned out, was his mother (although you'd never have guessed from her size and shape), and shouted in the most agonising of tones 'AAAH, MAMMY - SHE DOZZEN'T FOCKIN' LOVE ME ANY MORE!" And then proceeded to sob louder than any man has a right to do in a public place.

While the sitting line of Guinness swillers had observed all this in silence, they then started to move and so did I - I knew what was coming next.

I read in the paper the next day that they wrecked the pub and most of them got carted off to the nick. Can't believe the pub even let them in - most pubs would avoid travellers like the plague.


*I know they're not really gypsies but I couldn't resist it.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 8:42, 12 replies)

A schoolfriend of mine joined the Merchant Navy and did very well for himself.
He came home a week or so before Christmas, probably two years later. We went out on Christmas Eve and he pulled - nice girl, but she seemed to be nothing special in either looks or personality.

He obviously disagreed because as soon as it was legally possible (I'm sure it was the first week in January) I found myself in a small, cold and very depressing room in Altrincham registry office for their wedding.

As you might imagine, this wasn't lacking in controversy. His mother refused to go at all, his brother flew over from Australia especially for the occasion, so there was just him and four of Oggie's schoolfriends (including me), plus bride and groom. I don't remember any of her friends or family at all, although she must have had someone there.

We waited for her to arrive and it was like a bad sitcom. Even after she turned up the room still resounded with pleas from all there, from the kindly and well-intentioned 'It's not too late to change your mind' to the rather more forthright 'You must be fucking mad - turn round and walk out now.'

He spent half the ceremony telling those assembled to shut the fuck up - in those very same words. Twice the woman registrar stopped and asked them if they were sure they wanted to go ahead - he insisted they did and were consequently married. I remember thinking that the registrar looked less perturbed by all this than she ought to have done and then realised that this probably wasn't an unfamiliar sight to her.

He got them a really nice flat in Didsbury, furnished it throughout and went back to sea three weeks later. You can probably guess what happened. Or didnt.

I didn't see or hear from Oggie for eighteen months, then one day he phoned out of the blue and we met for a drink. He was (literally - he was on his way to the airport) about to emigrate to Oz and was just saying goodbye. I think I might have been the only person he called, I'm not sure. I asked what had happened - God knows why, it was fairly obvious. He just shook his head and looked sad. Poor Oggie. He just wanted to be loved and whatever he was getting on board ship plainly wasn't doing it for him.

I only ever spoke to him one more time, about a year later, when he came home for his mother's funeral. He loved Oz, he seemed very happy and I was really pleased for him.

That was thirty-five years ago and I've never spoken to him since. But every time I go to a wedding, or very often when the word is even mentioned I'm once again stood in a cold and funereal registry office, listening to heated exchanges on the merits of whirlwind romances and quickie weddings, and I wonder how Oggie's getting on these days. Don't suppose I'll ever know, now.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 1:09, 11 replies)

I got married, then a bunch of stuff happened, then we separated.
That other thread got deleted, so I hope this is an adequate (and more succinct) replacement.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Wed 5 Nov 2014, 23:27, 4 replies)

After the sausaging I received, the night before,
I had to stand during my own wedding breakfast.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 19:47, 2 replies)

The Wedding of Little Chadderleigh
BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM!

BUM BUM BUM!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 18:36, 35 replies)