My hometown was recently supposed to be twinned with Singapore. However, when they were trying to print the signs announcing the twinning of the cities, they lost the first letter from the sign for some reason, shut up.
Anyway, that was a twinning situation.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 2 May 2011, 22:24, 5 replies)

hinges
nuff said
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 2 May 2011, 22:20, Reply)

What a lovely lamp!
In my first year as a teacher I begrudgingly went in to school on a Saturday to participate in the school fete. Poverty-stricken as I was, I was made to feel obliged to join in by purchasing a fistful of raffle tickets. Inevitably I won a prize. It was a mind-numbingly hideous table lamp, obviously hand made by a tasteless moron who had simply pushed a few plastic flowers into an empty wine bottle and stuck a light fitting and grotesque plastic lampshade on the top.

I turned to one of the oldest teachers, Mr Kramer, and said "Trust me to win the ugliest and most useless prize of the lot!"

"Mmm" he said, "My wife made it shortly before she died of cancer."
(fergus the bogeyman Beware of geeks bearing gifs!, Mon 2 May 2011, 19:17, 8 replies)

I have only won one thing in life.
I won £30 on my first time playing the national lottery (£15 on the main lottery and £15 on the thunderball) Not won anything since.

It's coming up to nearly 12 years now, hate to think how much I've spent on it.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Mon 2 May 2011, 17:50, 2 replies)

A Ford Escort

(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Mon 2 May 2011, 13:33, 7 replies)

I once sent a letter to Nintendo Official Magazine (this was years ago, before it became the somehow slightly blander Official Nintendo Magazine)
Can't remember the exact contents of the letter, but it was basically "Nintendo 64 is good". They sent me a free copy of Doom for the GBA which was at that point a new release. Still got the copy of Doom. And probably the magazine, somewhere.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Mon 2 May 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Stolen goods
are the prizes you award yourself.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 2 May 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Oh Dobby!
I've recently won a hand knitted mini Dobby (Of Harry Potter, not Peep Show). Its not arrived yet but I am SO excited as its the only thing i've ever won *sigh*
(CarryOnKay, Mon 2 May 2011, 11:03, 5 replies)

Nothing
Not even "Vision On" showed my picture and I had even lied about my age.
( unclepills, Mon 2 May 2011, 10:01, Reply)

All of us won, I'd say.

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 2 May 2011, 5:10, 40 replies)

I saw a real vagina yesterday...
And I didn't even have to pay. Win.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 1 May 2011, 23:40, 11 replies)

Won several things over the years.
My first was a 'name the gnome' competition in a music shop in Lincoln, there was a gnome in the window and I named him 'Herbert' which won, the shop rang us up one Saturday morning and explained the prize was a case of wine, they gave that to my Dad and I got to pick a prize from the shop, unfortunately they didn't want to give me a proper instrument, so I ended up with a triangle and a kazoo, still got the triangle somewhere.

I won 2 tickets to the newly-opened Sega World at the Trocedero in about 1995/6 and spent the day beating my Dad at various games, was pretty good but pretty empty, all the arcade machines were on free play so it was amazing, got to play some beat-em-ups like Rival Schools before they'd been released here.

I used to win stuff on a regular basis from a Saturday night show on Radio Lincolnshire, I don't think they had many listeners so I used to just call up for any competition they had and ended up with all sorts of stuff, best prizes were tickets to see Therapy? in Leicester, tickets to see Coldplay/Les Rhythm Digitals and Shack, and what they called the 'singles pack' which was all the promos they'd been sent that week, which was about 30-40 CDs/posters/flyers etc, some crap in there but still got some rare Bush single from that in a 3CD case. Best one ever though was a band I'd never heard of but I ended up a fan of as a result of the prize of their latest album, a shirt and a signed poster, Man Or Astroman? for anyone who knows them, computer-themed surf rock, insane. Once my mates got wind of me winning so much, they joined in and we got free stuff for years until we started going out at the weekend like normal teenagers.
(myriad, Sun 1 May 2011, 23:30, 2 replies)

Easy come...
A fellow b3tan, his mate and I were enjoying a commiseratory pint one Sunday evening when a girl came around with entry sheets for the pub quiz. "Why not," thought we and duly entered. Pound each, top prize was a £50 bar tab.

The quiz began, nothing too hectic, probably the first round softening us up. Second round, bit obscure but this other guy knew quite a lot about film, it seemed, and was happily hitting them out of the park. Picture round was a bit ropey - definitely a few guesses in there - and the final round we were a bit clueless on. Anyway, we handed in our sheets, waited for the final scores.. and found we'd won.

At least, we had won until another team started kicking up a fuss about one of the answers. It slowly became apparent that they knew the manager and were pissed that he hadn't let them win. After some haggling we let them have the point before gently breaking it to them that we'd actually beaten them by a margin of five, which is sadly greater than one, and so we still took the prize and ordered a last round of pints.

Of course, with our hackles up at this point when the manager said the £50 all had to be spent in one night my flatmate, without missing a beat, simply ordered the balance in assorted shots which we triumphantly knocked back within the subsequent twenty minutes while pointing, laughing and generally giving the other team what we judged to be their just deserts in unabashed mockery.

The ten minute walk home, as I recall, ended up taking nearly two hours after I blundered onto a rose garden on a roundabout and declared myself so incapacitated as to require a trip to a nightclub "to dance the booze off a bit".

Did I mention it was Sunday night?

I paid for our swift-drinking arrogance with the single worst Monday morning on record. Apparently, double-winning doesn't work like that.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Sun 1 May 2011, 22:40, 2 replies)

Flights to Thailand
I worked for a travel agent and the Christmas party prizes were always quality. One year the fancy dress theme was James Bond (it was 2007) so I decided to go all out to try and win.

So having spent 3 hours getting ready I turned up to catch the party boat at Sydney Aquarium which was absolutely packed with people.
I was pretty embarrassed to stand there waiting for my work friends on my own as I had turned up early.

At first my colleagues did not recognize me and I had to tell them who I am.

I am female and went dressed as Blofeld.

Still it was worth it as I won 2 tickets to Thailand.
(lilypop, Sun 1 May 2011, 21:37, 10 replies)

2 free tickets on the Aquazoom Ride
Yonks ago when I was a child, I entered a local Newspaper competition to win a free go on our local Swimming Pool water chute ride, called 'Aquazoom' of which there was two chutes, Vortex and Sidewinder. Sidewinder was always the scariest from memory, not due to the drop at the end of the ride but due to the rumours of Razer Blades being placed in the ride to cut kids up (never been proven).

So I entered the competition, can't remember what I had to do but it must of been easy as I won 2 tickets, which was actually two pieces of blue rubber that I had to show before entering the ride. I remember being told that that due to the rubber being the wrong colour they wasn't valid, so I walked off with the hump.

The Pool is now a block of flats. Only thing I've won in recent years is 3 points and £60 lighter thanks to speeding.
(networker Cheese and Ham sandwich please, Sun 1 May 2011, 21:29, 6 replies)

Aged six,
I won a Blue Peter Badge, for drawing a ship.
It was a crap badge, however it looked great aged sixteen when it was pinned to my biker jacket with my heavy metal badges. The number of people who asked me where I stole it from was funny!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 1 May 2011, 18:41, Reply)

Years ago
a friend became addicted to radio phone in competitions. From the amount of practice he had gotten quite good at predicting at what time he should make the winning call. After a while the person sorting out the prizes had gotten to know him on a first name basis.

One of the prizes he won (and the best I thought) was having a star named after him and I thought that it was pretty cool. And something he likes to mention. However while writing it I discovered that his "named star" is not recognized by the scientific community.

So the best prize he won was a playstation.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sun 1 May 2011, 18:30, Reply)

Not I but a friend
A few years ago, I was catching up with a friend , who informed me he had drunkenly entered an irish jig contest on st Patricks day, and won. He has never Irish danced before or since, yet still won the whole damn contest. And what was his prize? In his own words "I dinnah, I was properly monged."
(Mong goose, Sun 1 May 2011, 18:20, 7 replies)

I won a trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
All inclusive. But my g/f doesn't like tropical climates ever since she developed vertigo while we vacationed in the Bahamas a couple years ago. Also, some of my friends tell me there are people being beheaded there. I'm supposed to use this vacation this year. Guess I'll probably just have to sell it instead.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Sun 1 May 2011, 16:51, 4 replies)

gambling
Years ago I started as a cashier in a bookies. long hours, shit pay. So the staff used to have a few fun bets to keep from dying of boredom. Not strictly legal, but it was only for pennies.

I used to do 1p tricast doubles and trebles perms on all the races at each greyhound meeting. being a maths student, always 3-1-4. Meant if 3-1-4 finished as the first 3 in any order twice at a meeting, it would pay for my bet, 3 times I'd make about £60. Trouble was, one Friday night, 5 out of the 9 races won for me. The bet paid nigh on £1300. Massive amounts for the bookies I worked at.

The manager asked me who'd had the bet, I just said "some bloke, never seen him before". I had to send a mate to collect it for me the next day.

2 weeks later, I went to work for another firm and never placed a bet at my own shop again.
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sun 1 May 2011, 15:59, 2 replies)

When I was 8,
I wrote a letter to Delia Smith telling her how my mum used her recipes and that if I liked football, Norwich would be my favourite team because of the colours. Her response to my letter was a £1 cookbook, a signed photo and two tickets to a Norwich game.

Ten years on, I'm now a proud season ticket holder at Norwich, and have been for the last nine years. Let's be 'avin you!
(Hi-Fi nonsense, herons don't deter coconuts, Sun 1 May 2011, 13:22, 5 replies)

We have some exciting news about the lottery ticket you purchased...
So I started paying for my National Lottery ticket by direct debit because I couldn't be arsed purchasing one every week.

Whilst reading my personal emails a few minutes before another thrilling work meeting I received a rather exciting sounding email from the National Lottery advising me to log in and check my ticket. "Holy crap this is it" I thought, "they can stick the shitty meeting up their arse".

With precious seconds before the meeting started I finally remembered my password to the lottery website. When the results page finally loaded it only turned out I'd got all THREE numbers out of six and I won a poxy tenner!!!

I was absolutely mortified by the fact that work couldn't stick the meeting up their arse, and as I recall it was indeed a shitty meeting at that.

I've had a few emails like that one since then but I'm buggered if I'm going to get as excited as I did the first time I received the 'exciting news' about the lottery ticket I purchased. Wankers.
(ed-z, Sun 1 May 2011, 13:13, Reply)

I won a copy of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker for the ZX Spectrum from Sinclair User magazine. Not that bad a game for the time, and of course safer than the real thing (Michael Jackson, not walking on the moon).
( eXOBeX, Sun 1 May 2011, 13:04, Reply)

At our fresher's party in the first week of university
There were pretty girls employed by Benson & Hedges wandering about, handing out free packets of cigarettes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 1 May 2011, 11:34, 7 replies)

spainish piss up
back in me day went with the family for hols two whole weeks of being roasted like a kipper yay!! anyhoo each night the hotel did a quiz winner gets 2 bottles of voddy, first week there got bugger all (17-18 at the time free BOOZE but nope not me). well along comes the second week quiz again well bugger me if they dont use the same questions from the first week.

needless to say i won it every night lasted me about 5 days still laugh at the gormless expression on the blokes face doing the quiz every time i go up and collect the prize.

(remember kids if it's worth doing it worth doing it pissed)
(bonkersply writing shite since 1664, Sun 1 May 2011, 11:18, 4 replies)

I won a fancy dress competition when I was 6
I was dressed as Skeletor. Coolest costume ever.
( zulu eh?, Sun 1 May 2011, 11:08, 2 replies)

I won
two art competitions at school. The first was themed "vikings" and I submitted a plastic drinks bottle with a beard stuck on, dressed as a viking. The next year was "deserts" and my winning entry was an enormous piece of sandpaper with a tiny camel stuck in one corner. Both were conceptualised, designed and realised entirely by my mother, but collecting those prizes remain the proudest moments of my life.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sun 1 May 2011, 9:40, 1 reply)

My great gran was an excellent golfer.
However, she was also a klepto. We don't know how many of her trophies were won or stolen.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Sun 1 May 2011, 7:36, Reply)

losing would be more accurate for this one
a couple of weeks ago one of our clients had a quiz night for charity. we went along and also chucked a fair amount of money at the raffle, mostly for the good cause, but also because the prizes were pretty good. apart from tesco, which had donated a whole £10 voucher. nice one tesco. your generosity for cancer patients is overwhelming.

the raffle prizes were drawn one by one, but nobody seemed to be winning the luscious baskets which had drawn us in like a siren's song after several bottles of wine. eventually it turned out this was a different draw, and one which we had somehow missed. we watched in indignant outrage as basket after basket of champagne and chocolates, cheese and red wine, designer hair products and perfumes all went to other people who had somehow managed to hop on board this gravy train.

then they were down to the last prize. we couldn't see what it was, but the announcer said it was "very special". oh how right she was. and then she called out.... "neil johnson". my colleague neil nearly choked on his wine. he went up to get his prize and we seethed at his duplicity. how had he managed to enter it without us knowing? how??

a couple of minutes later neil came back and we all stared open mouthed at his "prize". which was a shitty bhs toy racing car, clearly an unwanted christmas 3 for 2 gift. in a battered box. then we howled with laughter. neil was the same scarlet as the car, frantically denying any wrongdoing about entering the draw.

then a woman arrived and tapped him on the shoulder. she gestured at the car. "you owe me £20 for the ticket," she reminded him. this was the single thing that could have made it funnier... not only had he won the shittiest prize of the night with absolutely no recollection of entering the draw, but he then had to fork over twenty big-men for something you wouldn't give to a tramp-child. AND he had to take it home on the tube.

i will be surprised if this makes sense in the morning after tonight but i HAVE spell-checked it just for you special little cunts... xx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 May 2011, 1:38, 9 replies)