Hair
Now, I understand women have to go through the incredible pain of childbirth, bleeding out of their front bottoms on a monthly basis, and the peculiar – no, damn right fucking odd - notion of having sex without achieving an orgasm, but this is nothing compared to what your average man has to put up with. Yes, the terrible ordeal of having to shave every morning. Ladies, you really don’t know you’re born, believe me.*

Spurred on by boredom one Sunday afternoon I started rummaging through my girlfriend at the times beauty shit. She’d somehow managed to populate our small bathroom with various sized bottles of gloop, tubes of weird coloured crap, and little containers with flowers on that contained stuff that smelt like and had the texture of dandelion yogurt. I wasn’t sure whether to put this shit on my face or spread a bit of it on a piece of fucking toast, to be honest. And I swear these containers were breeding at night. I couldn’t recall my girlfriend ever purchasing any of this shit. It just appeared. As if from thin fucking air.

We were going out later to a play, One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest with that bloke out of Heathers down in that posh, fancy West End. I wasn’t really too bothered, but my girlfriend at the time wanted to do the dirty with this fella, Christian Slater, and I recall acquiring tickets in the vague hope this would get her hot and she’d hump my brains out with abandon when we got back home. Didn’t really give a fuck if she called me Christian while we were doing it, fuck, she could call me ‘Dad’, I really didn’t mind. Anyway, this meant I needed a shave. I hadn’t had one for a couple of days and was looking like a particularly scruffy twat. And that’s when I found the little string bag containing a jar of incredibly sticky crap along with a few scraper things that resembled lolly sticks and a shitload of little strips of waxy paper…

Moments later I had the incredibly sticky stuff smeared across my beard. This shouldn’t hurt too much, I reasoned. My girlfriend used this shit on her bikini area. She didn’t cry. In fact I’d watched her do it a fair few times and it looked, well, it looked easy… Far easier than going through the hassle of having a shave. I mean, that’s two minutes I’m never gonna get back.

With the shit smeared over my face, looking a little bit like Father Christmas after he’d gone down on Mrs Christmas while she’s got a particularly nasty yeast infection, I affixed a strip of the wax paper to my sticky chin and throat, patted it firmly into place, and then ripped it off nonchalantly.

Pain. Pain? Like nothing on this fucking Earth pain. It was like someone had just napalmed my fucking face.

I actually bent over double, tears in my eyes, and head butted the bathroom mirror hard in one fluid motion. By the time I’d gained my composure and stared in the mirror I realized something wasn’t quite right… I washed the rest of the crap off – took fucking ages, had a normal (though incredibly painful) shave, put all the lady-shit back where I’d found it and went and played Final Fantasy ‘til my girlfriend came home.

Even before she’d put her handbag down she caught sight of me: “Have you been at my hair removal wax? Well, you can fuck off if you think I’m going anywhere with you looking like that. I’ll go and see Cuckoo’s nest with Gemma instead. You tit, why can’t you just leave my stuff ALONE!?!”

I sat there for a while, fuming. Bang goes my night out. Bang goes my chances of a late night fumble. And bang goes a hundred quid on the fucking tickets…

Fair play though, when I went and had a look at myself in the mirror a little later I did look fucking weird…. I had managed, somehow, to aquire a nice neat, rectangular and angry as fuck red graze from my chin all the way down my throat where it finished painfully at my Adam’s apple. It looked like I’d attempted a DIY skin graft.

Don’t piss about with the lady stuff, gents… It’s not big, it’s not clever, and quite frankly it's incredibly fucking dangerous.


*OK, maybe having to tackle a can of Gillette shave gel and a razor every morning isn’t quite as bad as all the lady stuff. I’ll concede that. And technically there are some females out there who need to shave more often than I do anyway. I mean, I used to go out with a Greek girl at Uni my mates nicknamed Chewbacca. Whenever I went down on her I’d need a compass and a stout pair of hiking boots to find my way back out of that dense pube jungle. I swear once or twice I may have encountered the emaciated skeleton of a former boyfriend of hers who was less fortunate and died of starvation or exposure before the rescue services could locate him….
( SpankyHanky, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:27, 18 replies)

If your woman is having sex without orgasm
you're doing it wrong. :P
( Bob Todd whee, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:30, closed)

ha, well said

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:58, closed)

You have me there, sir
But like everyone I've had some good sex and also some incredibly bad sex. One time with this particular girlfriend in this post, whilst 'on the job', thinking I'm billy big bollocks, sending her to heaven with the awsome power of my cock, I look up from my grunting and notice...

...she's reading a fucking magazine...

You could say we weren't really compatible. Spark? Fuck no! If it wasn't through the liberal application of Jack Daniels I'd have never got my end away, ever.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 15:31, closed)

You tool!
*Clicks*
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:38, closed)

I have considered using the stuff that dissolves hair (on my face)
I have even gone as far as picking up a tube of Veet in Boots, reading the "Do not use on facial area" warnings and considering whether to do it anyway.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:46, closed)

Do it
and tell us what happens ;)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 14:54, closed)

It will hurt
And then it will burn shortly afterwards. Then your face will look horrific. In all honesty, a previous flat-mate tried to keep his beard in check with some Veet and even a very thin application ended up chemically burning his face very, very badly.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 15:57, closed)

Thanks ;-)
All the encouragement I needed ...

... you've saved me a future QOTW answer and a trip to A&E
(Biff..., Mon 7 Dec 2009, 16:07, closed)

Ah...
that's a tick for the "Dont do it" box then
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 16:17, closed)

What is the magic
Contained in this stuff which takes your face off in 6 seconds, but will take off leg and mimsy hair with no problem?
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 16:27, closed)

mimsy hair
don't fucking bet on it. tried it once, i could have opened my legs and guided fog-bound ships to safety
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 18:29, closed)

PMSL
And I thought shaving was bad enough
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 23:47, closed)

...
Grow a beard?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 11:54, closed)

That's EXACTLY what I thought...
And, as I'm a lazy fucker when it comes to shaving - exactly what I'm doing now :)
( snee held his breath since, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 13:24, closed)

Some people look good with beards
I don't. I look like the bastard offspring of a hobo and an Al Quaida cell leader.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 13:31, closed)

I have that same problem
When I go a week without shaving I scare people (see profile pic).
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 14:15, closed)

Don't give up
Obviously don't wax your face.......but seriously some of the best sex you will ever have will involve both you and your lady having your bits hair free, and shaving grows back prickly (ouch). Get the wax out together...it's a good pain.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:18, closed)

Did this once...
We Veeted each other...that was fun....so was the resultant sex...mmmmm closer than ever before!

However my balls were on permanent retreat to protect my soldiers from the cold and looked like the skin of a freshly plucked chicken which was rather offputting. Apparently.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:37, closed)