Work have this tradition
when it's your birthday, you either bring in cakes or samosas. Don't quite understand why, when it's YOUR birthday, you're the one who has to stump up the goods but...

What would you take into work on your birthday, for your colleagues and et cetera to enjoy? Alternatively, what would you take into the Department for Work and Pensions if you are not currently enjoying work and all its getting up before it's bloody light these days goddammit?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:50, archived)

Crack cocaine.

( Aardvark Lang Syne Do you have stairs in your house?, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:51, archived)

why crack it?
take it along whole then put it in a pinata, let them crack it open themselves
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:58, archived)

It's like cracked black pepper and other middle class As

('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:05, archived)

Oh fuck off.

( Katy Hysteria on a messageboard full of shitcunts. Pisstrumpet., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:52, archived)

Yeah, I'm going to go with this answer.

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:54, archived)

and I thought 'Dave' was the home
of witty banter. NO! It's here.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:55, archived)

Don't go getting me involved.

( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:55, archived)

You keep Stephen Fry and Jemmy Clarkson in a cage
and milk them for your sustenance :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

Sadly not. They escaped.
I've only got Duncan Norvelle and Bernie Clifton locked up at the mo.
( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:12, archived)

plot for Saw 9?
get screenplaying
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:16, archived)

"Do you want to play a game?"
"Ooh, chase me."
( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:18, archived)

I'm a bit sad I can't Piebash this weekend
the banter would certainly be excellent. Have a nice do, folks.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:21, archived)

Good banter?
You must be confusing us with someone else :)
( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)

AAaahhhh, I know your game!
When a huge pie, just big enough for a man to hide inside gets wheeled to the door with all ribbons round it, and there's a bit of a fanfare, we know what to expect!
Yeah, don't think I don't know you killed a man and pied him.
( Once in Royal Druid's City - When you need an undertaker..., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:27, archived)

and to think that you work with massive pipes
I'm claiming the newspape headline when you ice decorative church organs onto a celebratory pie that is very hot, while pissed-in a Dudley Canal tunnel..

'Pie eyed Pie Piper pipes pipe-organ onto piping hot pie inside a pipe'
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:36, archived)

where have you got his bird teathered?

( Derek the halls with boughs of Monte show us yer gnawed ratmeat darlin', Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:21, archived)

It's going in one of the pies for Saturday.

( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)

What's your opinion on "Wet"?

( Katy Hysteria on a messageboard full of shitcunts. Pisstrumpet., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:17, archived)

I tried the demo and that was as far as I got.
It looked pretty but the controls were really frustrating. And I had my fill of grindhouse style games in the new House of the dead.
( FoldsFive Gold Rings is laughing so hard he's forgotten about death, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:18, archived)

Ahh.
I've rented the full game. It's quite frustrating, for more reasons than the controls.
( Katy Hysteria on a messageboard full of shitcunts. Pisstrumpet., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:19, archived)

I'll be having words with you on Saturday.

( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:57, archived)

Wait, why?

( Katy Hysteria on a messageboard full of shitcunts. Pisstrumpet., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:09, archived)

I make a BIG chocolate and strawberry cream cake.
/edit - also if everyone else brings cakes for you on your birthday, you'd have to eat some of each so as not to upset anyone, and you'd probably end your birthday in the toilets throwing up.
( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:53, archived)

cake over samosas every time: probably custard tarts

( Derek the halls with boughs of Monte show us yer gnawed ratmeat darlin', Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:54, archived)

Euuurgh.

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

I love custard tarts
but they have to be fresh, they go watery when they are a couple of days old.
( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:24, archived)

I bet you side crimp them.

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)

I'm not sure why
but that sounds rude.
( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)

it just means
oh now hang on....
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:40, archived)

jello shooters

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:54, archived)

It must be such a drag, being sociable once a year, providing your birthday falls on a workday.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:55, archived)

I'm sociable every day of the year
isn't your birthday supposed to be the day when you get to act like a childish cunt?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:57, archived)

No.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

well you're no middle class like
any I've ever met then,
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:07, archived)

Try again, but make sense this time.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:12, archived)

so if you don't understand, it must make no sense?
excellent logic. Just saying, only middle class kids don't act like a childish cunt on their birthday. the upper class and the working class do, but the middle class have more decorum about it all.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:19, archived)

Except for the majority of workers, a birthday is not a justifiable reason to take a holiday and certainly no excuse for bad behaviour.

( Know ye not Woodside? should off gone to specsavers lol, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:21, archived)

That's not what I said at all.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:22, archived)

Was it something about 8000 years of oppression?

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:24, archived)

It didn't make sense, though.
Read it back to yourself.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:24, archived)

the sentence does not end with the bold type
messageboard software does insist you put content in t5he title and also in the message body, so it is possible to put in a short message by splitting it across both.

You're not new around here so I would expect you'd know this.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:39, archived)

Yeah, I know how to type a message on here.
I also know how to type messages that make sense. That one did not.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:44, archived)

it didn't really form a symbolcally massive kidney stone
in my otherwise normal passage of symbolic urine so I'm not going to spend ages dissecting and analysing it. You and Dr P didn't get it. Wah. I feel so diminished. Moving on.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:52, archived)

You're such a tosser.

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:53, archived)

nice to know my meteoric rise to tosser fame
has finally gained your hallmark of tosser approval.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:56, archived)

See now, anyone stupid enough not to book the day off should just grin and bear it.

( We Wish You A Wicca'd Witchmas - with many thanks to MongyChops, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:58, archived)

Or go on strike and smash capitalism.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

saturday this year
thanks to fucking leap years I haven't had a Saturday birthday in , well, YEARS.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:04, archived)

I never take anything into work on my birthday
but if I did, it would be a very large bottle of brandy.
( mulledwynoh now with extra minerals and iron, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:56, archived)

curry

( Captn Hood-Butter, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:58, archived)

secret recipe inferno strength?
sort out the men from the boys from the inflammatory bowel disease sufferers...
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:00, archived)

rape

( Three Kings From The Easty The Notorious B.I.Ginge, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

The beancounters at Deloitte do that in Edinburgh.
But Edinburgh always was a bit weird.
(misusscompiler shooting at the walls of heartache. BANG BANG, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 22:59, archived)

The whole of Deloitte is wierd.

( Dr Preference has an EXCITING NEW LINK in his profile, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:03, archived)

Deloitte must be a wonderful place to work.
The adverts at every careers event in Britain say so, it must be true.
( Know ye not Woodside? should off gone to specsavers lol, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:05, archived)

I don't work for them, but I know people who do, and they seem to be prize bastards.
UNLESS you are a super-dooper careerist who will cut throats to get to the top. Then they promote you a lot and you get paid well.
Then you stop being human and burn out by 35.
(misusscompiler shooting at the walls of heartache. BANG BANG, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:12, archived)

Nigel slogged his arse off for four years with no pay to get a degree.
Now he works for Deloitte Consulting in Slough and sells insurance over the phone. Nigel is very proud of his accomplishments.

This is not satire, it's been paraphrased from an actual testimonial on their promotional flyers.
( Know ye not Woodside? should off gone to specsavers lol, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:16, archived)

I've seen a lot of that sort of stuff.
And i've written it too.

/shame
(misusscompiler shooting at the walls of heartache. BANG BANG, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:18, archived)

because if other people had to do it
some people might not get a cake or samosas because they are horrendous shitbags
('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:01, archived)

If the cake has nuts in it can you demand a substitute?

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:02, archived)

Very true
Some offices are as bad as school used to be.
( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:03, archived)

I'll find out next April and report back.

( Know ye not Woodside? should off gone to specsavers lol, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:02, archived)

A rule at my old workplace a few years back was that we had to bring in buns.
I wanted to just wander in wearing assless chaps and proclaim, ''buns, anyone?''. I worked with two guys who were both over 50 though.
( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:04, archived)

the irony could have turned sour
if both their eyes lit up with anticipation
( Rotating Wobbly Hat bestrides all boards, like a Colossal Twat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:05, archived)

The office was in a basement with no fire escape. That would have been horrible.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:09, archived)

Sounds like an gay version of the IT Crowd

(misusscompiler shooting at the walls of heartache. BANG BANG, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:31, archived)

They probably still would have fucked you,
just perhaps not cuddled afterwards. How much do you want?
( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:06, archived)

They were deffo not the cuddling type.
Two ex coppers, one of which was in CID.
( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:07, archived)

Really, is no cuddling a deal breaker?

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:09, archived)

Are you propositioning me, Neptune?

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:10, archived)

Depends.
Has the beard gone permanently?
( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:11, archived)

Haven't decided yet. I only shave when I can be bothered.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:12, archived)

Oooh, that is a deal breaker.
Shame really.
( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:14, archived)

It could have been so great.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:15, archived)

THE THING I LOVE ABOUT WORK IS
when I'm telling someone they've done something wrong, then they argue their point and they eventually realise that they're wrong. That point when you can see their mind change, it's brill.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:05, archived)

Being a porn director certainly has its perks.

( Aardvark Lang Syne Do you have stairs in your house?, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:06, archived)

you've got to keep the aircon low to make them stay that way

('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:15, archived)

Ice cubes.

( The Cat's Mistletoe is busy busy busy on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:17, archived)

I hate work.

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:06, archived)

fuck off talking about work

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:13, archived)

Have you got sand in your vagina this evening, Kristine?

( Aardvark Lang Syne Do you have stairs in your house?, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:14, archived)

No, lovely wonderful Aardvark.
Okay, maybe a little.
omgbadday,etc
( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:22, archived)

Kristine. You're a swell girl and all....but no woman dictates what The Doveston can and can't talk about.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:15, archived)

I meant to tell you the other night that you look a lot like a guy I know.
Did you happen to steal $700 from Ami?
Just wondering, like.
( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:20, archived)

Not me I'm afraid. Is he homeless because I kinda had that look going on.
If I was to steal though, I'd do it in pounds sterling.
( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:23, archived)

well, I haven't talked to him in a while
he could be homeless I guess
( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)

Still, at least he's $700 better off.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)

yeah but now his car window is busted because she threw a can of mountain dew through it
it's getting to be winter, and if he's sleeping in there, it's going to be awfully cold
( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:29, archived)

Probably for the best, fucking HBLC lookalike thief scum.

( HBLseasonsgreetings! voted 56th in 'FHM's Sexiest Forum Males 2009'., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:31, archived)

I should sneak in there and shave his beard and eyebrows

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:38, archived)

why don't you fuck off talking about talking about work?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:26, archived)

sorry, shall I put the kettle on?

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:27, archived)

you better had...

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:30, archived)

I bet no one would buy you a cake

('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:15, archived)

i got shit all for my birthday
i have no idea why?
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)

not even a horrible fruit loaf?

('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:31, archived)

I love fruit loaf.

( Neptune, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:34, archived)

even horrible ones?

('all i want for christmas is my glued HOLY SHIT, IT'S CHRISTMfront eel Filters out most swearing from /board/ and /talk/, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:40, archived)

i like fruit loaf
but cherry bakewells can fuck right off
( Derek the halls with boughs of Monte show us yer gnawed ratmeat darlin', Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:37, archived)

you sound like a harsh taskmaster

( Derek the halls with boughs of Monte show us yer gnawed ratmeat darlin', Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:19, archived)

I'm a real cunt to everyone in work.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)

what do you do?

( Derek the halls with boughs of Monte show us yer gnawed ratmeat darlin', Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:34, archived)