hello you wacky bunch of wackos
i'm in the market to buy a car. what sort of car should i buy? perhaps i should build one myself, what ingredients should i use and how long should i bake it for?

if you don't care about cars, how about space! big isn't it? what do you think about richard branson?
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:36, archived)

I don't like his beard.

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:37, archived)

neither would walt disney

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:43, archived)

I fucking love space.

(Psyc-Ho-Ho-Ho-Chomp **bearer of the waki crown**, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:38, archived)

Me too (wor lass has a big fadge)

(tomma turn around an bite you every time, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:59, archived)

WHAT A 1ST POST
*applause*
( Red Red Rocket goes bob bob bobbing along wants to know your gamertag, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:13, archived)

(i didn't get it, is it something northern?)

(Psyc-Ho-Ho-Ho-Chomp **bearer of the waki crown**, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:15, archived)

His partner has a rather voluminous vagina, thus like you, is a fan of 'space'

( Red Red Rocket goes bob bob bobbing along wants to know your gamertag, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:31, archived)

welcome *new person, well done for doing it right :)
you get one gold star, and a couple of brown ones too.

*to /talk, obviously
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:14, archived)

Hello new person.

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:16, archived)

Yo Esme! Can I ask you a question and you have to answer honestly?
it's not rude or horrible or anything...
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:19, archived)

*le sigh*
Go on.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:19, archived)

:D
How much money would I have to pay you to do a headstand so I could dip maybe half a rich tea into your fanny, like a cup of tea?

£10,000?
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:20, archived)

£50,000.

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:21, archived)

Sweet!
Totally going to win the euro millions tonight.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:22, archived)

Awesome.
We have a contract now, you can't renege on it.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:23, archived)

I ain't going to back out,
imagine if I won that much money (£91 Million) and have a mind like mine?!?! fuck, that would probably be quite dangerous.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:27, archived)

Haha, that's a bit of a scary thought.
The world would be flooded with pugs in bee costumes.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:29, archived)

you say that like it's a bad thing

( spangle bells www.dinohoodie.com NOW LIVE!, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, archived)

exactly.

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:34, archived)

Probably
I would employ people to follow me around clicking their fingers and singing whatever I say like in West Side Story.

I'd wear fancy dress everyday and drive a terror hedgehog all over the country.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:35, archived)

Would it be £100,000 for a full rich tea?
How about a hob-nob? That'd leave crumbs behind and you'd itch for weeks.

Garibaldi?
( Chestnuts roasting on the oban fire This isn't what I ordered..., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:34, archived)

I'm not entirely sure this will work
may need some sort of a rich tea finger rather than the regular round ones?
(Goatse not a comedy account, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:26, archived)

She might gobble it up like a happy squid...we'll never know unless I get this money together...

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:28, archived)

Does Esme have a beak in her minge?
BLIMEY!
( spangle bells www.dinohoodie.com NOW LIVE!, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, archived)

I hope so! COR!

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:38, archived)

I'm saying nothing.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love Eifel 65 - "I'm Blue" for Christmas number 1, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:54, archived)

This is a great question

( spangle bells www.dinohoodie.com NOW LIVE!, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, archived)

Dear spango,
How much would I have to pay you to be my Piggyback Limo for a month? On call all times of the day, even if I have to go downstairs to the fridge or something.

You have you be dressed as a 1900s muscleman.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:37, archived)

I'd probably do that for free if I had nothing else to do.

( spangle bells www.dinohoodie.com NOW LIVE!, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:39, archived)

Top lass.
cr3 and be a human squeaky loft bat.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:41, archived)

read the fucking faq
oh, looks like you did
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:20, archived)

Buy a red one

( Cactus 1 Don't Touch the Bang Bang Fruit, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:38, archived)

You can't drive Alex Ferguson's nose silly.

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:41, archived)

you can drive it mad tho
*touches nose conspiratorially
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:48, archived)

Check the wheels
I cannot stress this enough. Check. The. Wheels. You don't want to be buying a car without checking the wheels. I once bought a car without checking the wheels and I got laughed out of the pub.
( Chestnuts roasting on the oban fire This isn't what I ordered..., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:39, archived)

i've heard a skilled car person can choose a great car with his eyes closed
just by judging the rebound when kicking the tyres, is this true?
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:42, archived)

I saw a man once, a god of cars, who could tell me the make of the car and the rough market value of one, just by licking the exhaust pipe

( Chestnuts roasting on the oban fire This isn't what I ordered..., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:43, archived)

a true legend
tapping the side of the car is also useful, in case there are snakes hiding in the paintwork
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:46, archived)

Lift up the bonnet in case there's a dead clown in there
The amount of times I've been fobbed off with Clowndeath
( Chestnuts roasting on the oban fire This isn't what I ordered..., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:50, archived)

and illegal immigration
always look under the car in case there's a migrant clinging to the suspension
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:52, archived)

I made the mistake of buying a Fiat Punto that wasn't funicular!
Should've seen me try to get up hills, hilarious. I'm such an idiot.
( Chestnuts roasting on the oban fire This isn't what I ordered..., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:56, archived)

Don't forget tugging on the parcel shelf

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:51, archived)

you dirty bastard
i think you should save that until after you'd paid for the car.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:54, archived)

He tugs over everything and never pays.
It's shameful.
( clendrix spit-roasting on an open fire I just can't be arsed with it all, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:02, archived)

Sorry about those shoes...

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:04, archived)

You should be.
I slipped over when I went dancing :(
( clendrix spit-roasting on an open fire I just can't be arsed with it all, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:06, archived)

you'd never get snakes in an Accord
( In the Bleak Vladimir'd Winter, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:53, archived)

Apart from 14" trouser snakes, obviously.

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:53, archived)

*snort*
worryingly close to crap cars/snakes pun territory here, let's all just take a step back, DG!
( In the Bleak Vladimir'd Winter, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:56, archived)

Dodge Viper?

( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:01, archived)

Peugeot Python

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:04, archived)

Renault Aspace

( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:05, archived)

Factory of Snake-Like Vehicles Boa Constrictor

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:07, archived)

F-eth-O
F-eth-M
F-eth-R
ad nauseum
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:12, archived)

*mops brow* I'm glad Druid hasn't seen this

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:04, archived)

Hahaha,
Nah, only he decrees when it is snakey joke time.
( Blue Star of Wonder Blue Star of Night, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:06, archived)

Very True, btw It's good to see him and you on the google homepage at the moment...

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:11, archived)

(|:oD
▐:0)
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:16, archived)

PFFT!

( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:16, archived)

Google.com keeps redirecting to google.ie, so I can't see it.
Gays.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:18, archived)

www.google.co.uk/logos/bert_ernie-hp.gif
( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:22, archived)

Yay!
I have a Bert doll.
( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:22, archived)

I have Gobo and Red fraggle

( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:24, archived)

Aw I loved the fraggles too, even though I was a bit too small when they were on

( Esme Winterval fuck your fucking pie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:24, archived)

OI!

( Blue Star of Wonder Blue Star of Night, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:19, archived)

heheheheheheehehe :D

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:21, archived)

*snort*

( Silent Noit, Holy Noit, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:21, archived)

use lots of timber.
wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden doors etc etc.

Sadly, I suspect it wooden go
( The Great Architect, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:39, archived)

can we have a I don't like this button please?

(Psyc-Ho-Ho-Ho-Chomp **bearer of the waki crown**, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:40, archived)

no use asking me...
/c'mon. It wasn't that bad, Shirley?
( The Great Architect, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:41, archived)

as crap as this joke is
Poland had a competition to design a Small Car. Of the two designs, one was made of metal and the other of wood and canvas. Five of each were built and put through their mechanical paces on a 3000km range of tests. All of the wood and canvas ones shook themselves to pieces to utter destruction. Four of the five metal ones finished the course. Guess which one made it into production.
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:47, archived)

judging by the amount of polish car manufacturers
the wooden one.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:50, archived)

There were LOADS of Polish car manufacturers.
FSO, FSM, FST, FSR, FSD...
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:52, archived)

yes.
there were LOADS of british ones once too!
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:55, archived)

yeah, but they didn't have catchy names like
FACTORY OF AGRICULTURAL VEHICLES or FACTORY OF SMALL-ENGINED VEHICLES or FACTORY OF GOODS VEHICLES. Oh man, Communist branding was spot-on.
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:59, archived)

I tried something like this once
I built a car out of Norse gods...sadly, it Woden go
( In the Bleak Vladimir'd Winter, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:50, archived)

Buy one with a meep meep button on the steering wheel. and a brumbrum pedal. and an OH NO TOO FAST! pedal.

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:39, archived)

Haha, I like what Renault did with the Twingo RS pedals

( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:41, archived)

did they sellotape them to the roof?

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:51, archived)

no... to the passenger's face

( hubare originator of "NEAR THE TOP", Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:05, archived)

Now I could dive in with all sorts of informed, dynamic and frightfully dull advice
but in the end you'll ignore me, buy a second-hand Clio, it'll go wrong, cost a fortune, and then come back here whinging about how much it cost to fix, so what's the fucking point? Just fuck off.
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:45, archived)

Brand new clios aren't too bad, I've had no major problems.

( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:47, archived)

It's specifically second hand Clios
You only sell a clio when it develops a problem that costs fuckloads to fix. Unfortunately, this will be the first of a long series of expensive repairs. So when you buy a used one, you know it's fucked already, and will be extra-fucked by the next MOT.
( Grrrmachine : Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:48, archived)

I sold my last one the month before the mot and expensive service was due :D

( St.Minimus *gasp* It's got chicken legs ^_^, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:54, archived)

back in the days when I worked in a servicing garage
all the clio owners were mortified at the quotes for any work to be done on their cars. Basically, to do any work on a clio you must take the engine out, and this incurs a labour charge of about 8~10 work for removal and refitting before we have even started on your problem.
( turb0t, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:10, archived)

Same goes for spark plug change on a Vectra, is about £900.

( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:14, archived)

just use modified clipper lighters

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:15, archived)

Jag XJ12
never gets the back 4 spark plugs changed in its life, unless the engine gets lifted out at some point.
( turb0t, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:22, archived)

Also my car
cant have its spark plugs changed, nor its air or oil filters. Frankly I cant afford the time to take it to the garage to get it done :p
( turb0t, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:23, archived)

What car do you drive?
I think I just need some spare Lego and I can rebuild most of my car.
( Little Donkey Gums can only last 22 hours without mentioning fannies, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, archived)

panzer tank

( turb0t, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:44, archived)

just for that i'm not buying french
so up yours
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:47, archived)

you made a wise choice
if you have a french car with french alloy wheels, and you ever needed a new tyre, the chances are it will not be balanced correctly due to laziness of the tyre fitter. French alloys generally dont have a hole in the middle, and so will not fit on the spindle of the balancing machine, therefore the fitter needs to remove the universal spindle that works for all other wheels, and fit the special french adapter. this is two much of an arse pain, he will stick weights randomly around your rim, and laugh as you drive away.
( turb0t, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:16, archived)

i think the laugh is an unnecessary addition
but i fully expect it would be applied in every circumstance
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:30, archived)

I'ma be listenin' to NWA muthafucka!
and ah be close to whacking you, n****
( hubare originator of "NEAR THE TOP", Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:50, archived)

what's a car??

( Frightguy what the heck's a hexagon, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:53, archived)

Yeah man!
and I guarantee the next television celebrity that gets mentioned... I won't know him/her either!
( hubare originator of "NEAR THE TOP", Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:56, archived)

i don't even own a celebrity identification kit

( Frightguy what the heck's a hexagon, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:58, archived)

I dispair... because now I don't have anything to point my furniture at...
it's all disjointed and random.
( hubare originator of "NEAR THE TOP", Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:04, archived)

it's a motorbike with four wheels and a roof

( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:57, archived)

I don't even own a car space branson.

( ding dong merrily on broadsword in heaven the pills are minging, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:02, archived)

Apparantly space is off-beige.
And it will go crimson, eventually.
( Sir Sand Goblin dreary cunt, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:28, archived)

i'm not sure how the hell they measured it,
perhaps averaging everything out?
( Sir Sand Goblin dreary cunt, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:29, archived)

Mechano

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, archived)