» Scary Neighbours

the knife-wielding psycho next door...
A few years ago, I lived in one of those posh yuppy residential developments on the banks of the Thames in East London.

One of our neighbours was a really nasty piece of work - he had a dog that he used to take out for a walk in the courtyard early most mornings. I say walk, but "drag" would be a more appropriate word. He would also kick it and scream at it for no apparent reason. This was a big dog, a lurcher or something like that, but it was clearly a nervous wreck and utterly terrified of its owner.

We reported him to the RSPCA, but when I mentioned this to another of my neighbours, he warned me: "I'd be careful of him if I were you - you really don't want him to know it was you that reported him."

Was I scared? Fuck, yes. The man was clearly a psycho of the first order.

Then as if by magic he suddenly disappeared and we never saw him again. Great, you might think. Only we later found out that the reason he disappeared was because he had gone to prison - it turns out he was the same nutter that murdered someone on a train in France during the 1998 World Cup. And why did he murder him? Just because he suspected him of being Argentinian...
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 18:18, More)

» Breakin' The Law

evening all
I once went out for lunch in the City with my dad. It turned out to be a mostly liquid lunch. Afterwards I was planning to check out an exhibition at the ICA but coming out of Green Park tube station I decided my time would be better spent protesting against the monarchy, so I proceded to run up and down the Mall in front of cars shouting "Fuck the Queen!"

It was't too long before I was being bundled into the back of a police van and taken to Charing X police station where I spent the next few hours sobering up. My recollection of the incident is somewhat hazy but I woke up sorely bruised the next day, which I think to be fair was from me trying to stop cars in their tracks rather than police brutality.
(Wed 7th Jan 2004, 22:28, More)

» Dad Jokes

I'm a dad
My son is 5 and needs help dressing. He'll say "Dad, can you put my shirt on" and I'll reply "No, it doesn't fit me."
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 10:04, More)

» Useless Information

grapefruit
"Pamplemousse", the French word for grapefruit, literally translates into English as "whore's buttock".
(Mon 21st Mar 2005, 16:29, More)

» Useless Information

offa's dyke
Offa's Dyke was a 15 foot tall Welsh lesbian who patrolled the border with England, repelling invaders.
(Mon 21st Mar 2005, 16:27, More)