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THE GREAT QOTW FAIL ARCHIVE.AS OFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY ROB
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, the NIGHT STALKER
Part one, Part two(the first back-pedal. The original thread here, and his 'revenge'. Oh no wait, he was totally joking and he's not ashamed
Oh, and he's totally definitiy sold 600 pills and not been done. Definitely. Here here is, perving over 14 year olds.
PHILS1969, angry special needs man
On Being the Boss.
Mincing Mike The Mincer
On telesales..
Gary the IT guy fucks with his keyboard
Hurting himself shoplifting, blames shop
THE GOAT, b3ta's favourite bacofoil milliner
The royal family are all lizards
THE MATRIX IS REAL
Joos did 9/11
Scroll to the end for his reply to the main story
DIRTY OLD MEN, NONCES AND CREEPY PERVS
Benzyl, Albert Marshmallow for the semi-literate
Kipper Fillets, That Bloke in your office
Me, I'm Not: Animal Fucker
Battered and Sportscow, not rapey.
Mclir, failed rapist
Ringofyre plots child grooming online
Wanderer, non-racist paedophile/a
RampantRodent, kiddy fucker and copper puncher
yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, rapist
Vinegar Strokes, sex offender
imgunnabesickm likes child porn
Barry From Eastenders, nonce
Jimmy spankhands..pisses on kids
Moon Monkey, pays foreigners to film naked children
Airman Gabber, from a family of rapists
Squashedmouse likes underagers. - read carefully and work the maths out.
Bert Monkeysex/The Cat Hater fucks his own sister. Srsly, scroll through the thread ...and then Enzyme tries to justify it
Miggyman, nonce, OH NO, WAIT HE'S BEEN WINDING US UP FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, HONEST
Disasterprone - repressed homosexual stalky weirdo
Jeremy Forrest corner part one - Strump, part two - simoni210277
Sarcasminasuit, sexual harassment as a practical joke
Surfeit, creepy oedipust.
JVZ, children's underwear fetishist(and well played to Ring Of Fire in defending the noncing too)
Suck It And See part one, part two,part three,part four
ANECDOTE KINGS
Man applies for job
Man goes to pub and has drink
Man tries food. Likes/dislikes it
Man nearly makes typo
Man logs in to facebook
Man deletes post
Lone Maverick plays by NO-ONE'S RULES
Man reads NME, remembers bit of it
Man has hair.
Man wins game of Trivial Pursuit
Man used to work in call centre. Doesn't any more.
Man buys wine and drinks it.
Man complains to council about something. Council fixes it
Man plays computer game.
ATTENTION SEEKERS
I believe this one
Don't take this piss, all those stories about big tits and blowjobs actually WORK
Hilarious Ironic Racism part one, part 2, part 3, part 4,part 5
Breasts, inevitably
Breasts and PE
I like breasts, and the follow up
Suicide Note
Txt sex
Snugglesacks - weapons grade attention seeker part one, part two, part three, part four(in which she managed to get a gratuitous reference to her tits into a story about going to the dentist,
A good sexing
Two lines on-topic, two paragraphs talking about her tits
Deep throat
Girl has wank, internet goes sweaty-handed crazy
Dear Playboy
Dead clever, me
Beckyjsbx 1,, 2,3
Workboresme/Batshitmentalist part 1,2, 3part 4, Just plain fucking bizarre
Gloria Hull 1,2
Stupid, oversized tits
Fake orgasm
Tits and sweaty handed men
MEDICAL HORSESHIT
Necking a bottle of oramorph and not dying.
Man fucks postbox, loses lung
Man cures burst appendix by drinking vodka
The off-switch to human consciousness
CRIPPLING UNDIAGNOSED ASPERGERS
Legless, trolling himself
Optimus Prime Porn
Crippling internet-diagnosed Asperger's
QUEEN OF THE HARPIES
I was taught by James Bond
Man doesn't wipe arse for a year, gets upset at being called 'dirty cunt'.
The wrong trousers - see replies for bonus added lulz.
STOP WRITING TO ME ONCE A YEAR
Dead Children
Crippling undiagnosed psychopathic personality disorder(not so much for the OP as some of the replies).
It's not gay if you close your eyes part one Part two
Crippling Undiagnosed Internet OCD
Idiot wonders why acting like a prat means you miss out on stuff
Hasn't thought it through
Unwarranted Self-Importance
My girlfriend's a supermodel too
Naked photo
Toys, pram, thrown
Kate Bush's mimsy'
Crippling Undiagnosed Dyslexia
Man wonders why people hated him. Admits to being whiffy
Horse-faced science teacher
Why is my friend cross at me for being a bit creepy?
b3ta /talk are all nasty bullies part one, part two
Looking down tops
31 year old virgin
Man tells urban legend, gets caught and backpeddles
TOP COMPUTER HACKER
Stream of consciousness
Upset, online
Toys, pram, thrown
Man the fuck up
Pants on
Micropenis
DRUG BORES
Mong causes mong to lose job
Not so much Drugs Bore as Drugs Liar
Never touched anything stronger than benylin
Lightweight
this one nearly went into 'Anecdote Kings' as 'Man takes drugs'
HONDA ACCORD DRIVERS
HONDA ACCORD OF JUSTICE part one,poster responsible deleted it, , part two
Samurai Decapitation
Amsterdam Madness
Man sellotapes car to wall
Ironic Post Of The Year
Man shows small child who is boss
Dead Ferret
Belgian Hotel Loser - bonus extra Fail in replies
Beating up the disabled - also with bonus Fails in the replies.
KICK IN THE RIBS
Definitely a PE teacher
Too fat and lazy to walk to school but HARD ENOUGH TO SMASH UP A DUSTCART
Husband drives a Honda Accord
Olympic discus
Dwarf Cunt.
Idiot punches wall, honest
Honda Van
Massive Wanker"
Another massive wanker
Beating up teenage girls
Oh, my God, breasts
The Cougar Prowl
It's the replies that are the most depressing
Racist gets tough with liberal pinkos, GET VERY SERIOUS INDEED.
PE Teacher
BULLYING THE BULLIES
Karate Kid
Torn ligaments
Raped and killed
THE MAN SENT ME DOWN FOR TEXTING
NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAD THE LAST LAUGH
Pissing on the bed
Spliff on the train
I'M GLAD YOUR DAD'S DEAD
8 Time Spludge
I FUCKED HIS SISTER
Steal my parking slot at your PERIL
Housemates get a kicking
More bullying of bullies
Executive Flat
VIRGINS, PISS POOR PORN AND PATHETIC SEX LIES
Some blowjob pun around 'Shallow Grave'
target="blank"Breast Toy Wank
STILL GAVE THE SLAG ONE
EffinNitWit
'Nobody ever saw this porn film but I was in a porn film'
She was only the product of my imagination
Small penis
Cuckold's Corner
Fingerin' the food
Piston_Broke's finest hour
Why did the condom fly around the room?
Wrong Hole, honestly
iWank
Lazy cultural stereotyping and sweaty-handed letters to Razzle
I FUCKED HIS DAUGHTER
Well, I was convinced it was true
Definitely happened
Textbook virgin
Nerd inspires pisspoor amateur porn
Virgin learns about cystitis
RIGHT UP THE SHITTER
MASSIVE cock.
This DEFINITELY happened, I put cameras up
Elienor
Big bird
Little Mermaid
Illiterate liar
London Fashion week
Drunk lesbians
Red haired pussy
The nightshift
Nympho
'remember the day we nearly saw a mimsy?'
The bloke who does the leters page for Razzle will be FURIOUS when he sees he's been plagarised
Dadsex
'I only stopped shagging the stripper because of my allergies'
Figging
Man lies about FAILING to have sex.
Spanky Hanky 1
Hot Black Cock
Rainbow Kiss
Sex. WITH A GIRL
Ruddles the Sex God
Bukakke website
QOTW POSTERS WHOSE GIRLFRIENDS ARE STRIPPERS, HONEST
Dan Dan Dan
Bobman500
Leggobeast
Kip
Monchberter
Miraclefish 1,2
WTF? CORNER
Syringe up the arse
Grubby pants
Headless Horseman
Rape is funny part one, part two
Shit in a lift
Pissy Bellend
Pissing on the carpet
Pissing and line breaks
Shitty flaps
Bumsex, accidentally
Vaginal Fluids
SHIT ON THE ELBOW
Cock and arse
COMEDY WEBSITES ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS(incorporating 'praise for The Archive')
Legless, part one, Part two, part three
A Vagabond, somewhat passive-aggressively


Recent front page messages:


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Best answers to questions:

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS.
1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions about patients z,y and z, the bloke opposite is sitting in a puddle of his own shit, there is someone in the next bay with a blood pressure of 82/40 and a heart rate of 119, this better be good. Also: we know when you're being rude due to pain/feeling crappy and just plain being a cunt.

2. Stop smoking, cut down your booze intake and lose some weight. It's not namby-pamby PC gorn 'elf and safety crypto-facist lefty nannying, it's common sense. Yes you look very cool smoking in your teens and twenties, but trust me, you will look and feel like shit in your fifties.

3. Do you really need to go to A & E? Sometimes it can't be helped, but can your GP or NHS direct deal with it?

4. If you do have to go to A & E and have to wait, then I'm afraid that that's the rub. You've been triaged, you'll be seen as and when your level of Broken warrants. Sometimes the alcoholic tramp next to you NEEDS seeing first, them's the breaks. See also : point 1.

5. Apart from your GP, 90% of doctors you see will be juniors. Yes, they've been to university for 6 years, yes they're pretty clever. They are, nonetheless still learning and may very well make mistakes. A responsible senior nurse or a pharmacist will swiftly them see right, particularly if you air your worries.

6. GP's have a wide but shallow pool of knowledge. If you are not happy with the care you receive or your diagnosis, don't just go home and keep coming back week in, week out whilst bitching about it to your mates, colleagues and the internet. GO AND SEE A DIFFERENT ONE, it's OK to seek a second opinion. See also points 1 and 5.

7. Unless you have a chronic(ie you've had it for years) condition, you almost certainly DO NOT know more than your doctor/nurse/physio/pharmacist. Details however, are always helpful. See also point 1.

8. Pretty much every procedure you undergo will be painful, uncomfortable, undignified or any combination of these things. Air your worries BEFORE the gloves are being put on or MTFU.

9. When you have a nurse/doctor at your bedside ensure that all you need to do/want is done whilst they're there. It may be some time before they are able to get back to you and trust me, EVERYONE hates someone who is constantly on the buzzer. If you have questions for them jot them down so you don't forget.

10. Hospital care has changed a lot in recent times. The emphasis now is one keeping people at home if possible. This means that if you are admitted it is generally Serious Business. Everyone else around you is also likely to be pretty ill. If you have to stay in another night, them's the breaks. See also: point 1.

11. If you know you're coming into hospital bring earplugs, books, an MP3 player, etc. Hospitals are noisy places with lots of exciting things happening but YOU will get very very bored. Also, distraction is an excellent and effective treatment for pain in the right circumstances. And a notepad.

12. Private hospitals are staffed by the same doctors and nurses as work in the NHS hospitals, only they're there on their days off and are knackered. The staffing is generally to the legal minimum. Granted the food is better and you may get a lovely(bug harbouring) carpet in your room.

13. Bring food in. Hospital food is better than it was but it's still not great. When you're trying to feed several hundred ill people, many of whom have complicated dietary needs, it's tricky to do well on a budget of 2/person a day..

14..but don't overload your bedspace with stuff. Clutter breeds bugs and accidents.

15. Don't be fucking stupid. Seriously. That hilarious stunt involving petrol, chainsaws, aerosol cans and a lighter that you're filming for youtube? Don't be fucking stupid.

16. Unless you're an old lady and it's one of the many gay men employed by the NHS on the receiving end(don't ask me why, they're the only ones who are allowed to get away with it), don't flirt with the staff. You are not at all sexy in your present condition and frankly are coming across as a bit creepy/desperate/needy(delete as applicable).

17. DO NOT FIDDLE with lines, drips, cathers, wounds, dressings, etc. You WILL come off second best. See also points 8 and 15.

18. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE ADVISED. In the words of your mum would you take me up the shitter now, we're not saying this for the good of our health, it's for YOURS. See also points 1, 2, 6, 7 and 10.

19. Don't try and cheer the porters up. It won't work.

20. Really, don't be a cunt, I don't swear at you when you sneeringly ask me 'have you switched it off and on again?'. Not to your face anyway.
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 10:42, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

During the 1950's I worked as a rent boy in the American South.
A number of then up and coming country singers were my 'clients'.

During this time the most Cash I handled was about 8 inches.
(Wed 28th Jun 2006, 21:45, More)

» Made me laugh

I watch football at a small local non-league ground with my dad, a number of his mates and various hangers on.
A few years back,one of the lads, Terry, brings along his youngest son who was the tender age of 7.

The boy was carefully briefed as to the fact that as he was big enough to go to football he was big enough to understand that there would quite likely be LOTS of naughty words being shouted at players and, most likely, the referee and linesmen, and would he mind NOT repeating any of these words in mummy's earshot?

Match gets underway and it's evident fairly early on t hat the ref is having a shocker. Fouls are given when there's no foul to be seen, offsides not called when the man is far forward enough to be able to shake hands with the goalie, free kicks awarded nowhere near the offence and throw-ins awarded to the wrong teams. In short, he's fucking shit, but with an even-handedness which is both admirable, yet astonishing.
Unsurprisingly as a result the game is somewhat poor with frequent interruptions to play and both sets of supporters in the ground were getting somewhat fractious with some rather fruity language, mostly directed at the ref, being heard.

Finally, in the second half, the home team managed to string a few passes together without being stopped by the ref, one of the wingers burst through, delivered a cross which was PUNCHED away and off the field via the right touchline by an opposing defender. The ref blows up and awards a throw-in, rather than the expected and so-obvious-you-could-see-it-from-space penalty.

It's still the one and only time I've seen a football ground in stunned silence at a refereeing error.
So, it was even more surreal when the silence was broken by a little voice piping up with a query of 'can I call him a wanker now daddy?'
(Fri 7th Dec 2012, 12:48, More)

» Trolls

Most carefully weighted piece of trolling I ever saw?
On a messageboard of roughly evenly balanced political affiliations.

'I see Margaret Thatcher is in hospital. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.'
(Fri 20th May 2011, 11:47, More)

» School Days

An old story of mine but it bears repeating.
The Swimming Gala at Upper School.
In which various pimply herberts competed for glory in the piss infested, nadger reducing over chlorinated puddle that was Sudbury Upper School's pool.

Anyway, we would have been around 15.
I was too piss poor a swimmer to be let near the events but my mate Eddie, who was a fine adept of the back stroke, was.

The pattern would go that the girl's event would take place, followed by the boys event of the same 'class'

Most of the lads competing had, in view of the fact that it was the one time in the year you'd get to see the girls out of their shapeless uniforms wisely opted to wear swimming cossies in the 'baggy shorts'. Not Ed.
He was wearing skin tight Speedo's.
So the whole YEAR could see his erection straining at his speedos.

The backstroke event started.
Then had to be restarted as all competitors bar one had collapsed(or would have done, had they not been being supported by the water of the pool) laughing at some wag shouting 'that's not fair Eddie's using a rudder!'

Even to this day, getting on for 20 years later he still is occasionally addressed as Rudder.
But only WELL out of his earshot.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 16:14, More)
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