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» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS.
1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions about patients z,y and z, the bloke opposite is sitting in a puddle of his own shit, there is someone in the next bay with a blood pressure of 82/40 and a heart rate of 119, this better be good. Also: we know when you're being rude due to pain/feeling crappy and just plain being a cunt.

2. Stop smoking, cut down your booze intake and lose some weight. It's not namby-pamby PC gorn 'elf and safety crypto-facist lefty nannying, it's common sense. Yes you look very cool smoking in your teens and twenties, but trust me, you will look and feel like shit in your fifties.

3. Do you really need to go to A & E? Sometimes it can't be helped, but can your GP or NHS direct deal with it?

4. If you do have to go to A & E and have to wait, then I'm afraid that that's the rub. You've been triaged, you'll be seen as and when your level of Broken warrants. Sometimes the alcoholic tramp next to you NEEDS seeing first, them's the breaks. See also : point 1.

5. Apart from your GP, 90% of doctors you see will be juniors. Yes, they've been to university for 6 years, yes they're pretty clever. They are, nonetheless still learning and may very well make mistakes. A responsible senior nurse or a pharmacist will swiftly them see right, particularly if you air your worries.

6. GP's have a wide but shallow pool of knowledge. If you are not happy with the care you receive or your diagnosis, don't just go home and keep coming back week in, week out whilst bitching about it to your mates, colleagues and the internet. GO AND SEE A DIFFERENT ONE, it's OK to seek a second opinion. See also points 1 and 5.

7. Unless you have a chronic(ie you've had it for years) condition, you almost certainly DO NOT know more than your doctor/nurse/physio/pharmacist. Details however, are always helpful. See also point 1.

8. Pretty much every procedure you undergo will be painful, uncomfortable, undignified or any combination of these things. Air your worries BEFORE the gloves are being put on or MTFU.

9. When you have a nurse/doctor at your bedside ensure that all you need to do/want is done whilst they're there. It may be some time before they are able to get back to you and trust me, EVERYONE hates someone who is constantly on the buzzer. If you have questions for them jot them down so you don't forget.

10. Hospital care has changed a lot in recent times. The emphasis now is one keeping people at home if possible. This means that if you are admitted it is generally Serious Business. Everyone else around you is also likely to be pretty ill. If you have to stay in another night, them's the breaks. See also: point 1.

11. If you know you're coming into hospital bring earplugs, books, an MP3 player, etc. Hospitals are noisy places with lots of exciting things happening but YOU will get very very bored. Also, distraction is an excellent and effective treatment for pain in the right circumstances. And a notepad.

12. Private hospitals are staffed by the same doctors and nurses as work in the NHS hospitals, only they're there on their days off and are knackered. The staffing is generally to the legal minimum. Granted the food is better and you may get a lovely(bug harbouring) carpet in your room.

13. Bring food in. Hospital food is better than it was but it's still not great. When you're trying to feed several hundred ill people, many of whom have complicated dietary needs, it's tricky to do well on a budget of 2/person a day..

14..but don't overload your bedspace with stuff. Clutter breeds bugs and accidents.

15. Don't be fucking stupid. Seriously. That hilarious stunt involving petrol, chainsaws, aerosol cans and a lighter that you're filming for youtube? Don't be fucking stupid.

16. Unless you're an old lady and it's one of the many gay men employed by the NHS on the receiving end(don't ask me why, they're the only ones who are allowed to get away with it), don't flirt with the staff. You are not at all sexy in your present condition and frankly are coming across as a bit creepy/desperate/needy(delete as applicable).

17. DO NOT FIDDLE with lines, drips, cathers, wounds, dressings, etc. You WILL come off second best. See also points 8 and 15.

18. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE ADVISED. In the words of your mum would you take me up the shitter now, we're not saying this for the good of our health, it's for YOURS. See also points 1, 2, 6, 7 and 10.

19. Don't try and cheer the porters up. It won't work.

20. Really, don't be a cunt, I don't swear at you when you sneeringly ask me 'have you switched it off and on again?'. Not to your face anyway.
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 10:42, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

During the 1950's I worked as a rent boy in the American South.
A number of then up and coming country singers were my 'clients'.

During this time the most Cash I handled was about 8 inches.
(Wed 28th Jun 2006, 21:45, More)

» Made me laugh

I watch football at a small local non-league ground with my dad, a number of his mates and various hangers on.
A few years back,one of the lads, Terry, brings along his youngest son who was the tender age of 7.

The boy was carefully briefed as to the fact that as he was big enough to go to football he was big enough to understand that there would quite likely be LOTS of naughty words being shouted at players and, most likely, the referee and linesmen, and would he mind NOT repeating any of these words in mummy's earshot?

Match gets underway and it's evident fairly early on t hat the ref is having a shocker. Fouls are given when there's no foul to be seen, offsides not called when the man is far forward enough to be able to shake hands with the goalie, free kicks awarded nowhere near the offence and throw-ins awarded to the wrong teams. In short, he's fucking shit, but with an even-handedness which is both admirable, yet astonishing.
Unsurprisingly as a result the game is somewhat poor with frequent interruptions to play and both sets of supporters in the ground were getting somewhat fractious with some rather fruity language, mostly directed at the ref, being heard.

Finally, in the second half, the home team managed to string a few passes together without being stopped by the ref, one of the wingers burst through, delivered a cross which was PUNCHED away and off the field via the right touchline by an opposing defender. The ref blows up and awards a throw-in, rather than the expected and so-obvious-you-could-see-it-from-space penalty.

It's still the one and only time I've seen a football ground in stunned silence at a refereeing error.
So, it was even more surreal when the silence was broken by a little voice piping up with a query of 'can I call him a wanker now daddy?'
(Fri 7th Dec 2012, 12:48, More)

» Trolls

Most carefully weighted piece of trolling I ever saw?
On a messageboard of roughly evenly balanced political affiliations.

'I see Margaret Thatcher is in hospital. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.'
(Fri 20th May 2011, 11:47, More)

» School Days

An old story of mine but it bears repeating.
The Swimming Gala at Upper School.
In which various pimply herberts competed for glory in the piss infested, nadger reducing over chlorinated puddle that was Sudbury Upper School's pool.

Anyway, we would have been around 15.
I was too piss poor a swimmer to be let near the events but my mate Eddie, who was a fine adept of the back stroke, was.

The pattern would go that the girl's event would take place, followed by the boys event of the same 'class'

Most of the lads competing had, in view of the fact that it was the one time in the year you'd get to see the girls out of their shapeless uniforms wisely opted to wear swimming cossies in the 'baggy shorts'. Not Ed.
He was wearing skin tight Speedo's.
So the whole YEAR could see his erection straining at his speedos.

The backstroke event started.
Then had to be restarted as all competitors bar one had collapsed(or would have done, had they not been being supported by the water of the pool) laughing at some wag shouting 'that's not fair Eddie's using a rudder!'

Even to this day, getting on for 20 years later he still is occasionally addressed as Rudder.
But only WELL out of his earshot.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 16:14, More)
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