» Ignoring Instructions

Fart Button
I pressed the fart button and was immediately inundated with a multitude of popups, spyware and killer viruses. Next my email address was added to every spam list in the world. Now thats a surprise.
(Fri 5th May 2006, 13:11, More)

» Injured Siblings

Fight the dog
I was chatting to a mate of mine's brother the other night and he was telling me that when he was about 20 and my mate was 5, (they have a 15 year age gap), some of his mates used to come around to the house for a few drinks and watching the footy and they also used to babysit my mate at the same time.

During half time, they used to get my mate to 'fight the dog' which involved winding the dog up by poking it and setting my mate on it, aged five. Apparently they carried on doing this for a few years until he could finally beat the dog. I was trying to figure out if it is animal cruelty or child abuse. Bearing in mind my mate loved it apparently, I guess its one for the RSPCA.
(Sat 20th Aug 2005, 11:33, More)

» My First Experience of the Internet

Not that old but feeling it
My mate at Uni had a computer as he was studying 'Computer Science'. After getting tired of playing Doom on it, we decided to stick the whole setup on a dining trolley and wheel it into the kitchen, as there was only one phone in the building and it was internal only. He had worked out that using the newly purchased £250 'modem', we could dial into his department's computers and from there, out on to the internet.

In the dead of night, shitting ourselves because it was strictly forbidden, we slowly pushed the whole lot into the kitchen. He plugged it in and then began typing away like Ferris Bueller in War Games. A few attempts later, and it said something like 'Hello' in binary.

He ran a program called 'Telnet' which connected us to 'Janet' and the magic of the internet was before us.

Basically, there was a load of green text. We could look at which books were in all the University libraries across the world and a few other boring bits of crap.

We never did it again until months later he announced the arrival of a new program called 'Mosaic'. This heralded the potential of images through the internet and more importantly, porn. It hadn't been spoken about, but we knew what we were looking for.

We installed the browser, wheeled the trolley back into the kitchen, with the massive PC and logged in.

It worked first time and we went to 'Search', probably Altavista or the one with the dog. This time, all we found was the NASA website, the FBI 10 most wanted page and a site about how to make bombs. Still shit basically.

It probably took another 10 years after that to stream a 30 second porn movie without buffering and the internet was finally able to reach it's true potential.
(Sat 24th Mar 2012, 21:05, More)

» Advice from Old People

My Glaswegian Granny
When my devoutly Catholic gran was dying from stomach cancer I used to go round and look after her for a few hours to give my mum and aunties a break and it was pretty hard. She was always in lots of pain and gradually getting worse. Anyway, I was chatting to her one day, she was very sick and obviously having a particularly bad time so I rang my mum to ask what I should do. She replied that I should check that she had her morphine patches on for pain relief.

I went to my gran who was bed ridden by then and asked if she had her morphine patch on and she laughed. She said that I wasn't to tell anyone but she was removing the patches when no-one was looking because "God wants me to suffer like Jesus did on the cross" and that the natural way to die is in lots of pain.

I have to admit, I had to respect her decision and it reinforced the fact that though very small, she was as tough as old boots. I for one will have patches on each arm and leg and ideally a smack drip pumping directly into my aorta when the time comes.
(Sat 21st Jun 2008, 0:01, More)