» Never Meet Your Heroes

I had tea with that Brian Blessed once….
About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed’s daughter (Rosalind) and for some reason we all got invited around for tea on her (17/18th?) birthday.

When we arrived at the house (in Lightwater), Brian was hidden away somewhere in the house doing some writing (about Everest or something) and so we all generally pissed about until tea was ready.

Whilst Bruce & I were alone in the hallway waiting to go into the dining room we suddenly heard a small rumbling followed by a loud rumbling (and it wasn’t my stomach)…then thumping great foot steps getting louder and louder until suddenly… there he was… about 5ft tall (and 4 foot wide) but bigger (and hairier) than Goliath in presence…. He saw us ahead of him and charged forward at us booming “What the FUCK are you two FUCKERS doing in here?” Cue some nervous sweat and fumbling for words… but before we could answer he roared with laughter, shook our trembling hands and invited us on in. Bastard. Very f*cking funny.

We then proceeded to have tea with Brian, his wife (Hildegarde Neil, actress too), his 90 + year old Mother (now deceased) and Rosalind + mutual female friend. Throughout the whole time He told the most disgustingly filthy jokes and stories with complete abandon. Every single sentence included a swear word e.g. “Pass the fucking tea pot will you Mother?” and to our (lesbian) mutual friend: “Got yourself fucked properly yet?”

It was, by far, the most entertaining tea I’ve ever had with anyone. Ever. So there.

Disappointing to meet? Absolutely not. The man is a living legend and is exactly as you would imagine him to be - only a great deal funnier. And louder. And smaller. And wider. And swearier. Length? F*ck off.
(Thu 25th May 2006, 18:21, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Not big or clever kids: About 15 years ago at a rock gig…
…I was given an ‘e’ during a short break. Oops. Bad idea. I was the vocalist.

I then had to go back on stage to do the second set with the guitarist (in front of 200+ people) to perform a version of Extreme's More than Words (Yes, I know its f*cking sad now but at the time we (thought we) were Rock Gods OK?).

By the time we got to the chorus of this highly vocally oriented ditty I was rushing like a f*cking steam train. Sitting on my Rock-God-Barstool it felt like I had rocket up my arse (and by all accounts, I sounded like I did too - and no the stool wasn’t the wrong way round). Lets just say my vocal intensity fluctuated a bit (imagine the blowjob scene in that sad flick Police Academy only with music and you’ll get the idea.)

Still. It wasn’t all bad. I had a splendid time. Apparently the rest of the set with the full band was much better. The engineer just turned me off.
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 18:38, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

FOOTBALL. Or worse still....
TALKING about fucking football and taking it FAR TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

Funnily enough I'm off to SA next June to see a couple of World Cup games courtesy of my big bro (he's paid for flights, hotels, and match tickets bless him). But if he starts TALKING about football like it FUCKING MATTERS... I'll stab him.

Thank you.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 17:39, More)