» Losing Your Virginity

"its like dinny skipping in the widdle of minter".
I was 17, and he was 20, and I'd met him the week before at a mates house, where he'd told me he was madly in love with her ( my mate that is) and spent all night talking about her. The next day, totally out of the blue he text me when I was on my way to stay with my mom for the holidays,and tells me how much he liked me and how he wanted to see me again. The texts got dirtier and dirtier, then finally, the next week I went to stay with him and decided over dinner that I was going to bang his brains out *wry laugh* ahh,the best laid plans. hours and hours of foreplay and finally, the moment was upon us. (I had neglected to mention the sad fact of my virginity, turns out he didn't even notice) and he reaches for the box of flavoured condoms on what passes for his bedside table. He whips one out without looking at it,shoves it on and goes for it.Without any furthur ado he fumbles about,trying to stick it in me. He finally catches that really painful bit just below my hymen (girls, you know what I'm talking about) and I yell out "OW!What'd you do that for?" he looks a little startled and proceeds with a tad more finesse. It still hurt like bejesus though, but I gritted my teeth and held on. Just as I was getting into it, he got this suprised look on his face and pulled out. He grabbed the empty condom wrapper and squinted to see what flavour it was. "ow" he says "oh,jesus,ow." I sat up, trying to understand what the holy jimbob was going on, when he screamed like a girl and ran from the room. I heard sounds from the shower, and his pathetic whimpering noises "oh my cock,oh god it hurts,oh god owwwwwww!". I picked up the condom wrapper. "mint", it reads, then beneath "new improved flavour,extra strong,for her enjoyment" then it clicks.
Retard put the bastard thing on inside out.


Needless to say we didn't get much further that night,as a result I was petrified of sex and of hurting him without being aware of it. Again, it doesn't take a lot of imagination to figure out that everything went downhill from there and we would have done each other a favour if we'd never spoken again.
However,here I am, nearly a year on, and fully recovered I'm glad to say. However, I recently lost my brown wings, and I must say it hurt worse than anything I ever imagined and the guy i did it with was totally sly about it. We were doggying and he slipped out of me mid thrust, then slipped back in-but into the wrong hole- "totally by accident" he says "i didn't even realise I'd done it!" "i thought you were whimpering with pleasure!" Yeah, whatever bumgay, go tell it to the other rent boys.

Apologise for girth? Why? I didn't get a freaking apology!
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 18:01, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

FRANKENHOOKER
A couple of years ago, the shared computer in our house(which happened to live in my bedroom) got an evil virus and because none of my family are particularly technically savvy,we sent it away to the magical techie folks who fix computers.
A couple of weeks and no small amount of internet withdrawal later,we got it back,and me and my dad set it up in my room and booted it up,waiting anxiously for any sign of trouble. it got all the way through startup without shutting down,so we cheered,and my dad got up to go. I decided to watch a DVD,and pressed the button to spit out the tray. To my irritation and reluctant amusement,there was a DVD already in there. "FRANKENHOOKER-BOOBS,BOLTS AND BONDAGE"
'uh,dad?'
'yes?' I held up the DVD,print side up
'is this yours,dad?' My dad looked horrified
'NO!'
'Well it isn't mine...' I said,smirking.my dad took the cd from me,and started laughing.
'open the CD burner' he told me,so I ejected the other drawer. sure enough there was a blank CD in there. Turns out the techies who had fixed my computer,had also been using my computer to pirate porn. F*ckers! I thought it was hilarious,but my dad got them fired. However,he kept that frankenhooker DVD,I'm certain of it...
(Sat 11th Feb 2006, 22:48, More)

» Little things that turn you on

that look
when you see someone you recently had sex with across a room,and your eyes lock and you know they're remembering it.

Scars. Seriously. Not like third degree burn scars, I just love a tiny imperfection on really white,smooth skin. Oh yeah.

Guys with curly hair and dublin accents.
Girls with long black hair and bee-stung lips. Gotta be goth.'specially bi girls like me,tee hee
Being bitten,really really hard. nails on my back til it bleeds.
giving oral is my absolute favourite thing in the whole wide world.Theres this thing guys do, where their backs arch and their hands grab handfuls of the sheet and you can see they're about to come and are trying not to cry out.oh.my.god. LOVE IT
(Sat 19th Feb 2005, 1:44, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

sorry for a second post,but this is too darn funny..."not me but..."
this guy I went to school with,whose family own the shop over the road that shall be (for legal reasons) referred to here as "faggies" got into a bunch of papers after he took his photographs of British soldiers torturing iraqi prisoners to max spielmans in Tamworth...*cough* yeah, HIM. ha ha. what a moof.
(Tue 15th Feb 2005, 16:15, More)

» Petty Sabotage

it's great to be the youngest
You can get away with so much.
When I was really young,my mom made my big sister look after me. After years of her bossing me aroung- playing Captain Planet, where she got to be the one from the Soviet Union, and I had to be toxic waste,then Bucky O'Hare where she got to be the pink rabbit with the jewel thing on her head, and being relegated to the role of Skeletor again and again I finally got my revenge when she got her first boyfriend. I sat down and told him about how She used to poo behind the telly when she was a toddler,and post toast into the VCR (but then,who didn't do that?)and how she once ate a cheese plant because she thought it was real cheese.
She's never forgiven me.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 15:11, More)