Keith Richards
Still playing 28 days later.



Almost no image modification required.

(edit for size)
(Tue 1st Jul 2003, 19:45, More)

» Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make

fly spray
except it actually sprays out flies.

another idea, courtesy of an old friend of mine.. not much more than a tagline, really, and probably not that great of an idea:

"The Reverse Toilet -- It shits into you"

surprisingly, no drinking was involved with that one.
(Thu 8th Apr 2004, 8:20, More)

» Shoddy Presents

One of my mothers boyfriends...
...once got her an oinking faucet head that was shaped like a pig. I thought it was absolutely hilarious at the time, she wasn't so amused. That didn't stop me from installing it.

That same year, my mom got me a tie that had all sorts of computer paraphenelia on it - It was a horrendous color scheme to begin with, and on top of that it had nice comic sans lettering strewn about randomly saying things like "modem" and "data."

My favorite crap gift, which was intentional, was from my Brother, who got me a pop-up book on global warming. You could pull a tab and watch a worker club a seal - Great stuff. I still prominently display it to this day.

I've made it a bit of a personal tradition to give at least one crap gift to everyone, but this is always made up for with an actual good gift or two. My favorite was getting my sister-in-law a teletubby figure, as she was quite repulsed by them. Of course, it helps if you place it in an incredibly delicate box.

And finally, I've given my Mom a Sean Connery biography over and over again... It's kind of a running joke. I've actually been planning on re-wrapping and giving it to her again this year, as it's been long enough that she has probably forgotten again.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 19:14, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

two that haven't been posted yet!
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the table, and says "Put me up for the night."

And another...

A bunch of my mates and I were sitting around in middle school, and we decided that the whole racist joke thing needed to be bumped up a notch. We were actually of all ethnic persuasions, so we were NOT being serious - It was more of an "let's out offend each other game." We decided to come up with our own...

The crowned winner of that contest?

"How can you tell if a black man has a job?

By the whip scars on his back."

/me hangs head in shame
(Sun 12th Sep 2004, 20:13, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Several
I've never managed to injure myself in a "cool" way.

I've only broken one limb, amazingly - How? I was running around the back yard, and I tripped over my own feet... and cracked my elbow. That's it - Just tripped.

Much more entertaining was a summer camp experience. A bunch of us young'uns took it upon ourselves to find the shortest direct path between our area of tents, and the "trading post" that sold all sorts of sugary beverages. One evening, I'm running along, and all of a sudden, I find myself choking for breath, laying on my back... I reach up to my neck, and my hand comes up covered with blood... Apparently, one of the older students had it in for us, and strung a rope about neck level. I got clotheslined in quite the literal sense.

Of course, the next day was the day that the parents were visiting - My mom takes one look at me and nearly screams... Keep in mind that I was realtively unshowered and generally unkempt, on top of having a huge scab across my neck... "What happened to your neck?" "Oh, don't worry about that - It's just rope burn" was my not-so-well-thought-out response. My mom immediately runs off to find a counselor to see why I was being lynched...

Aside from that, just the usual collection of childhood bicycle accidents.
(Sat 4th Sep 2004, 0:47, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Vegetarian tuna?
Ok, first off, a confession - I'm mostly a veggie. I do eat some fish, however, as I have no problem catching, killing, and preparing it myself, and it doesn't cause my stomach to explode like red meat or poultry does.

Anyways, I was on a businiess trip, and had a vegetarian restaurant recommended to me. They had what looked like a normal menu, except it was all things like:

- Vegetarian prime rib
- Vegetarian flank steak

and the kicker, which I had to try for novelty value:

- Vegetarian tuna steaks

These were perhaps the most incredibly foul things I have ever had the misfortune of eating. They had a FAKE SKIN on the outside, that had the taste and texture of cellophane. The "steaks" themselves seemed to be old tofu flavored with juice from a tuna can, It was, in a word, wretched.


Aside from that, I remember my dad used to fix scrambled eggs that were notorious amongst anyone who had ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on them. I don't think anybody ever ate them except my dad - Why? Because he somehow made them turn GREY.
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 16:03, More)