» Rock and Roll Stories

Rockbitch
For those who haven't heard of them, Rockbitch are a lesbian band who live in a sex commune. They play nude and perform 'entertaining' acts on each other on stage. They also encourage audience participation.

Where was I? Front fucking row. 10 minutes in, the 'stage slut' comes out, spreads her legs, and invites the front row to finger her box. Which we do.

I then relaxed and enjoyed the show. I still remember my mates legendary comment in the pub afterwards: "There's nothing more beautiful or natural in the world than 5 fit birds tonguing each other out"

Music wasn't bad either.
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 13:53, More)

» Shoplifting

College Vending Machines
When I was at college, they had a shiny new coffee machine. This machine had a flap covering the little pocket where your change comes out.

It took me a matter of days to realise that, if you were to push this little flap as far back as it would go, it would jam against the back of the change chute, and block it.

This resulted in about two months of me arriving in the morning, having a coffee, and jamming the change chute as I collected my change. At the end of the day, I'd have another coffee, and pull the flap back down, releasing a whole days worth of change.

Eventually they got wise and filed down the change flap. Still, it made me an easy £50-70 a week while it lasted.
(Sun 13th Jan 2008, 12:37, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

I was 12, she was 11
Staying at her house for the first time, sharing her bed. Her stepdad had left condoms on the bedside table*

I got a hand job, she wouldn't let me go further. She then told her family that we'd had sex.

* This scares me more looking back now than it did at the time.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 12:38, More)

» Intense Friendships

Rob
I met my best mate Rob when I worked at McD's (See last weeks QOTW, fact fans), and the amount of shit we've gotten through together has been purely incredible. Just a sample:

- My girlfriend saying she'd fucked him because she was jealous - I was spending too much time with him, not enough with her. I spent less (read: none at all) time with her after that, which freed up even more valuable pub time.

- His girlfriend completely and utterly bitch-slapping my now-ex-girlfriend for claiming to have fucked him.

- His girlfriend (same one) blaming me for their break up (on account of my having been out helping him find a replacement for a few months before), and attacking me with a knife. Between us, we dropped her like the bitch she was - cue me restraining her while about 20 police in stab vests come bursting through the front door. My response - "Thank fuck for that - I need a pint"

- Him setting me up with a complete slut he knew, only for her to see me as a 'nice guy' and not want to ruin it by shagging me on the first night as she did with any other guy. Cue a two month relationship to get into her knickers just out of sheer male stubbornness (anyone who's heard Eddie Murphy's Raw will know what I mean), only to never call her again after I finally got some.

- Spending my 21st asleep in a nightclub with Rob sitting at the table I was under, hiding me. Followed by me being tied to a lamppost outside said nightclub at kicking out time, topless with "21 Today - Suck here" and a down arrow, resulting in total nudity within about 5 minutes, plus about 6 not-too-shabby-in-my-drunken-state girls taking turns to, ahem, wish me happy birthday before the police untied me.

- Far too many nights spent stone cold sober, first ones on the dance floor before the club even got busy (and getting asked for drugs more than once because of our behaviour)

- Far too many nights spend pissed as farts at 2am, when I had to be up at 6am for work (which is the way tonight is also going)

- Countless relationships on both sides told to fuck off because they upset either the other of us or their respective girlfriend.

That's a tiny snippet of what we've been through - basically, in 10 short years, I have more history with Rob than anyone else I do or ever have known, including family, and it's an unspoken agreement that when any of us need the other, regardless of time or circumstances, we're there, no questions asked, and after the first incident above, we decided that no woman will ever come between best mates.

* your knob joke here - £10 / weeek *
(Mon 31st Jul 2006, 18:14, More)

» Sacked

Should have been so many times....but only once
and that was deliberate.

Job 1. McDonalds. Always worked drive through, and had a rather lovely little scam going involving the till functions for various discount vouchers, a 'broken' receipt printer, and one of the plastic stirrers crudely bitten into roughly the same shape as a managers key. Earned me a pleasant couple of hundred quid a week extra. Got caught when a manager found my little bag of cash down the side of my till. Cash confiscated, "Don't let me catch you again". Never did let him either.

2: A certain multinational IT company which sounds like ju-jitsu. Managed to wing myself control of a nice quiet contract, and relocate my desk into the server room because "it's easier to monitor everything from in there". Nothing to do with the fact that the server room is totally enclosed, very restricted access, and nowhere near the line of sight of any management. 9-5 soon became 11-3 or so, for about 6 months, until I got bored. Left with a glowing reference, and took my last month off with full pay so they could see how my replacement coped without me while I was still on the payroll. This meant they forgot when I actually left and kept paying me for a few months. Ignored their letters asking for the couple of grand overpayments back.

3. Only one I actually got sacked from, and that was by design. A one month helldesk contract while the client sold out their helpdesk to move it down south. Two weeks in, got offered something better, permanent, and twice the pay, but the agency had contracted in a £500 early termination penalty. Interview friday, explained to new boss that I could start tuesday but it would result in a very poor reference from my current contract. Turned up to work pissed as a fart monday morning and was promptly escorted off the premises. Agency were most upset to discover that the wording of their contract meant that they couldn't impose the penalty since I had been fired and not chosen to leave.
(Sat 25th Feb 2006, 1:09, More)