this took far too long to make

bjorks greatest hits...thats how long
edit: should be slow enough now
(Thu 17th Apr 2003, 16:09, More)

blaine had to think REALLY hard about this card

(Sun 26th May 2002, 15:13, More)

let's roll


am i going to hell now?
(Tue 16th Apr 2002, 15:41, More)

» Heckles

Leeds Festival 2001, The Comedy Tent, Mr Drayton's World of Quiz
I heckled the guy while on stage, standing mere inches away from him. I'd managed to win my way up to the final round, the inevitable "Wheel of Fortune" round. There I was, inside a huge tent (I've no idea of numbers....a thousand people in front of me maybe?).
"Spin the wheel you spunky young lad..."
Cue strange 'who are you calling spunky, chap?" look from me
"Yes, I'm the host, I can call you whatever you want, you cunt"

At which point I grabbed the mike and proclaimed "It's the nearest you'll get to a cunt tonight, you prick."

I was, for a few seconds, the most popular man in Leeds.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 19:02, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Having had my appendix out, I had been subject to a rather inconvenient local anaesthetic
meaning I was unable to squeeze my bladder, and thusly, not piss. There reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore, and the doctors decided, in the interests of the ward remaining a quiet and polite place, to do something about it.

I have never felt so much pain as when a tiny, hairy bespectacled nurse pushed a catheter down my jap's eye and into my bladder. I winced, I screamed. I'm unashamed to admit it.
"Ow, christ! That really hurts!"
He looked at me and asked
"Where?"

He wanted to hear me say the word cock. I know it.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 17:39, More)

» Mini Cabs From Hell

urban legend
but can you give it try:

man (we'll call him bob) gets a cab from a rank outside a train station, the driver is rude and pisses the man off etc. next time tbob is at the station, he spies the same driver at the back of the line and goes along each cab offering oral sex to the drivers in return for a free ride. each one is disgusted, until he gets to the driver at the end and just gets in and pays him. as he is driving past the rest of the cabs he gives the thumbs up sign to the parked drivers. hilarious.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 0:51, More)

» The Police

having just bought a stylophone
off of that ebay, I felt it appropriate to accompany the arresting of half of the family across the road with the theme from The Bill from my doorstep.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 13:29, More)

» Useless Information

Dogs and arses
The reason dogs sniff each other's arses is quite simple. Back in the day when dogs ruled the world, they would have a weekly meeting in the town hall. Before they sat down, every dog would take off its arse and hang it up, collecting it on the way out. However, the last meeting they had was interrupted when the humans took control of the world. News spread, and in the ensuing panic, the dogs were forced to pick up which ever arse was closest, and since then have been trying to find their own arse by sniffing each other's.

Also, there is no definitive word in Welsh for yes or no.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 9:11, More)