» Now, there was no need for that...

Nearly at the end of my tether.
I have a menial job as a carpenter. Same thing every day, for a meagre wage. Lack of respect all round.

My girlfriend gets pregnant. 'Fair enough' says I
(despite the child not being mine). Getting prepared for the nipper at home, and the government orders me back to my old house (before i moved out) to sign a form. I didnt have a car. Buses? Fucking jobsworths didnt turn up. Cue me and my pregnant girl having to WALK all the way into town (a long, long way).

We finally get there. Its dark. Its pissing it down. Me = Angry. We wander round trying to find some kind of accomodation for the night (parents not around, chavs in the streets etc.)

First hotel we call in at (sounds like Gravel Bin) wouldnt book us a room. 'Its full, we rented the last 5 minutes ago'.

Marvellous. Try the B&B (sounds like Granada Harvest). That ones also fully fucking booked. Busy week, eh? bastard.

Were getting desperate, by now. The girl is complaining bout her tum. We try the last (and most expensive hotel going). No. Fucking. Room.

We end up in the nearest, warmest place going, the posh hotel garage. Were piss wet through, and the baby is coming.

We spend the rest of the night sitting in the garage. But hey, the baby was OK.

Length and Girth? Its good enough for jesus, its good enough for you.
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 18:13, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Not me, but a 'friend'
Was moving departments. Complete smegging jackass of a boss (Sleazy, Rude, Unwashed) decided to move him to make room for a prettier girl.

He stapled a kipper underneath the drawers to the bosses desk.

2 weeks later, the boss found it. The smell, however, lingered on. Like the very ghost of the kipper haunted that very office.

Either a ghost, or the second kipper stapled behind the filing cabinet :D
(Wed 4th May 2005, 18:58, More)

» Useless Information

Statues!
Ifyou see a statue of someone on a horse, look at its legs:

If all 4 are on the ground, the person just died (but was cool enough for a statue)

If one front leg is up, they died from wounds sustained in battle

If both front legs are up, they died during a battle

If both back legs are up, they died in a freak rodeo accident

if one back leg is up, they died urinating

If the horse has no legs on the ground, they died in a hover-horse collision

If the horse is actually a camel, then youre in egypt.

If the statue is not covered in pigeon-shit and 'GAZ! IM ME' then its brand new.
(Thu 17th Mar 2005, 17:42, More)

» Pure Ignorance

At my old school
i saw 'Pakis fuck off back to africa' written in poo on the toilet door

Shortly after the little vandal was given a sound thrasing by a black teacher
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 11:22, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Typical
Was rummaging in my mad uncles house (rents had fucked off for the summer) if found this raging queen of a fawn sitting in a pile of snow, in my uncles wardrobe.

he kept crying and then talking about some snow queen.

what was i to do? I dropped a rock on his head when he wasnt looking and stole his wallet. £10. result!
(Sat 2nd Jul 2005, 23:08, More)