» I hurt my rude bits

Itty Bitty Scar
I have an ickle red mark, right on the top of the bell, just down from the hole that stuff alternately shoots or splodges from.
Caused by catching said bell in zip.
If it makes the Best Of, I'll post a pic.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 14:20, More)

» Dentists

Waiting room incident
Had the usual dentistry problems- wisdom teeth, cracks, chips etc but this story is about the waiting room.
I was sent back to the waiting room after an injection to let the drugs work. In this waiting roon was about half a dozen people - the usual crowd, couple of older people, cute teen, mum and toddler and Mr Wide-Boy. Mr Wide-Boy was exactly that, tall, big build, tanned, polished bald head, loads of gold jewelry etc. He was lounging on one of the seats, looking cool, arm draped across the back of the chiair, legs spread wide in that "look at my package" pose.
While I am trying to stop myself from drooling in front of the cute teen, this guy is sitting there looking all smug.
Now, this waiting room has a small pile of plastic toys for kids to play with, and the small 4/5 year old that is with the young mum is palying with these. She picks up a plastic telephone and walks around everyone, offering it to them. Naturally, I pretend to pick up the phone, have a brief conversation with an invisible friend and the little girl toddles off happy. She does this with everybody - until she reaches Mr Wide-Boy.
She just wanders up to him, and with a childish giggle, smacks him (as hard as a toddler can) in his knackers with the toy. Mr Wide-Boy collapses in a heap.
Ever been in a room with 5 or so people laughing hilariously through their noses so they don't get caught?
(Thu 2nd Nov 2006, 16:26, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Brush that out...
When my dad passed away, he had 2 wishes for his ashes.
Half was to be scattered on the goalmouth of Bathgate Thistle's football ground, the other half was to be scattered on the lawn of a farmhouse in Inverness where my brother had stayed while the new house weas being built.
Come the day of scattering, myself and older brother had the honours, which we did with much solemnity and tears in the eyes. Being summer, the grass on this particular bit of lawn was a tad on the long side, so the remains of pops kind of sat on the top.
Queue one of bro's cats walking out of the bushes and rolling around, covering herself in ash.
We kind of just looked at each other then fell about laughing and I am damn sure pops was laughing too.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 17:07, More)

» When I met the parents

When I Meet the Parents
Not a story of what has happened, more a worry about what will happen. A few years ago I was in Chile working/skiving and got off with the interpreter. Cue long- distance relationship (I'm in Scotland), she visits, we get engaged, break up yadda yadda.
Mid last year, she gets back in touch and after mailing for a bit, I get an invite to vist for this Xmas and New Year.
Where it gets interesting...
I am a no degree, spreadsheet producing glorified office robot.
She has just qualified as a lawyer
Her younger sister is a lawyer,training to be a judge who is married to a man whose family owns several hotels.
Her elder sister is a lawyer married to an architect.
Her mother is a lawyer.
Her father is a lawyer.
I am dreading the "And what do you do?" question.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 0:09, More)

» Child Labour

Sh*t Shoveller
When myself and my family lived in Aberdeen in the late 70's, my father (RIP) ordered a ton or so of mixed cow, horse and chicken sh*t for the garden from a local farmer. This was subsequently dumped in our front garden. This was one seriously big pile of sh*t and it needed to be shovelled into a wheelbarrow, taken through the garage and dumped in the back garden. Cue the 2 younger sons (me being about 12 and my younger bro about 9) being togged out in the oldest clothes folks could find and put to work. Funny thing was , the folks sold it to us an adventure so we didn't mind.
Given that we could only wheel about 15-20 kg at a time, this took a lot of trips.
Did we get any extra pocket money for it? Did we feck but oddly enough we did gain street cred as our friends came down and watched in awe as we happily shovelled sh*t.
(Mon 20th Feb 2006, 16:34, More)