» My Wanking Disasters

Don't know if this counts
And my Ex will probably kill me if she reads this so I best start preying!

I had been going out with this girl for about a week and so far it hadn't got vey sexual, just winding her up by stroking her knees and legs. One night whilst we were out in town getting quite pissed she had to leave early to get the bus home. I walked her to the bus station to make sure she got on it ok. Suddenly she grabbed my wrist and took my into a photobooth where I siezed my oppertunity to cop a feel. She also decided to take the oppertunity to see what my cock was like, so she pulled it out and started wanking it. I decided to put my hands down her pants to return the favour. After about 10 minutes we realised her bus would be there shortly and left. When we got outside we were met by two guys with smiles on their faces, they probably knew what we were up to I thought. We both just ran up the stairs to where the buses were and said good bye. It was not until I was walking down past the photobooth that I realised the curtain only comes down to about my waist. Not only did those guys know what we were up to, the also saw what we were up to!

Sorry for length, I have a habbit of babbling
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 18:02, More)

» My Worst Date

Can't remember if I've told this one before
I went for a night out with a few of my uni mates to Dundee. I met my mates in a club (due to lazyness I set off 2 hours behind them) and we proceeded in having a good night. Towards the end of the night I spy a rather attractive female, to cut a long story show I ended up back at a hotel room with her and 2 of her mates. Her two mates were quite happily doing their own thing so me and this lass decided to have a very sneaky shag next to them. I finish up and she heads to the shower. I look at the bed sheets and just see a red mess. I panic get dressed and stand up. I feel all light headed, I thought I was just drunk so I headed into the shower as well, by this time the other two have realised what was happening. I get into the shower and realise where the blood was coming from, I had snapped my banjo string! I promptly left the hotel room apologising a lot. This starts the next dilema, I'm in the middle of dundee, I've lost quite a lot of blood and I have no idea where my mates are, so I head to the bus station. It's 6am and there isn't a bus to glasgow until 7. Finally I make it home by 12 and sit shaking for the next 2 days!


Needless to day I didn't see that girl again!
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 23:58, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Just remembered this one
Before proper sex ed I had only heard about sex from friends and the old porn stashed in a bush trick.

I knew sex involved putting my penis inside a girl, but there was one problem. My penis pointed up when erect. Surly this can't be correct. I thought that the only way to put it into a girl was if it was perpendicular to my body. This was logical in my mind. So i had to fix it. Every time I had an erection I would try and pull it down to make it stick straight out. Finally I found out the truth without permanent damage.

Also when I was really young I thought that when you had sex the penis comes out of the girls bum. I even remember in year 4 drawing a picture in my school book of my friends peepee coming out of his girlfriends bumbum. He threatened to tell the teacher. It's amazing how quickly I was able to turn the bum into a pair of eyes for a funny face. Every time I opened it on that page I giggled.
(Sun 28th Sep 2008, 22:41, More)

» Sacked

It was actually the Monday just gone
Very dodgy circumstances.

I was sat at my desk on monday morning when my new boss decided he wanted at chat with me at 11.30, given it was 11 and he had been my boss for 4 weeks and still hadn't properly introduced himself as he had been "ill" for three weeks, In total we had been in the office together three and a half days. I presumed it was just a hello type thing. No. He took me to the canteen and told me as of 5pm that day I was no longer in my department. The reasons he gave were 1) we have a timer tool thing that is basically in place so that managers can sit on their fat arses in another room and be able to tell if their team is working without having to disrupt their very important wanking session. I think it's a whole pile of shit and quite frankly I did far too much work to bother stoping and starting it every two seconds as in all honesty the only times I got a good result was when I was doing no work and just fixing the results to make me look good. Needless to say my current manager, having seen me for all of 3 and a half days decided I didn't do enough work, strike one.

Strike two was I had an orange hooded top with tigger on it. there is nothing in the dress code to say I can't wear it, if I was female I would be able to wear it but for some reason my manager told me not to wear it. I ususally took it off after a bit but sometimes I'd forget. He told me half an hour to take it off was unacceptable.

The third thing he got me for was sending a long email to one of my friends about my weekend. A lot of things happened over the weekend and I thought as not to disrupt both our work I would send him an email as I had an unusually quiet morning and any work I did have to do I did whilst writing the email.


Those were the the reasons he gave, but I think there may be more to it. I was leaving the company in three weeks anyway, and he knew that. Unfortuantely he is a spineless piece of shit with a monotone voice. He is one of these people who can't get authority naturally, which is not a good thing for a manager. The only way he can get authority is by sacking people and hoping that everyone else falls in line. I've seen him do this before but I thought he had got over that stage in his life. But no, he goes and does it again. Unfortuanately I was only a temp so I don't really have any rights.

By the way, in case you were wondering his name was **, he worked for Bradford and Bingley in customer relations. His email address is *removed by mod* Just in case you wish to tell him how much of a spineless piece of shit he is. Oh, and if you ever work with him, don't trust his ass kissing lips.

I'm still bitter.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 14:26, More)

» Your Revenge Stories

Not really revenge
Just us being evil to a drunken mate last week!

This guy decided to drink a bottle of vodka for no reason, but made a show of it. Saying he wasn't pissed he stumbled to the toilet, claiming he wasn't going to be sick. Upon his return he started saying he could drink more than me, and tried to get me to down a bottle of cordial juice because in his head this would make me pissed. I declined but he said he would down it. He managed half the bottle and somehow didn't throw up, so I was on a mission to make him chunder. Started slowly by rolling him a fag with tea in it. After smoking it he ay it was a nice fag, even complimented me on the rolling! Next I remembered I had a 2 week old beer can in my room I had been using as an ashtray. Aftr getting a fresh beer out the fridge I asked him if he wanted half of it, he readily agreed so in a couple of minutes I gave him the beer. He took quite a large gulp before telling me it was ok, then suddenly throwing up all over himself and my mates room. After dragging him to the toilet we then dragged him back to his own room (fortunatly it was just down the hall) where we tucked him up in bed. 10 minutes later we were bored again so we went back to his room with a marker pen. Whilst drawing on him he was just looking me right in the eyes with no idea what was going on, then suddenly he flipped onto his side and threw up again. In the morning he claimed, as always, he wasn't sick and said we had made up everything. Fortunatly we had a digicam that recorded most of the night!

sorry for length
(Fri 14th May 2004, 14:19, More)