» Dumb things you've done

drunken dumbness
I was once out on the lash in Peterborough. We were staying at the Formula One hotel which to the unitiated is probably the worst 'hotel' in the world. The next morning my mates, on wondering where I was had got someone to open my door and found my bed unslept in but my shoes neatly arranged at the side of my bed.

You get a slip of paper with a number on it that has the combination for your room. When I got back to my room the night before, I had just taken my shoes off and when found I needed a piss so I left my room and went to the bogs. When I got back to my room I found that I had forgotten my number and the slip of paper was inside the room. The 'hotel' does not have anyone on reception so I could not find out what my number was. Suddenly I had a brain wave, I knew that there was a card machine in the wall outside the 'hotel' that allowed people to buy rooms for the night, so I thought I would go outside and buy another room. I went outside and the door slammed behind me. I put my card into the machine and it told me that all the rooms were full. I was now stuck outside the hotel with no shoes. I phoned for a taxi and had to go around all the hotels in Peterborough until I found one that was about 20 miles from Peterborough that had a spare room.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 13:34, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

my cleaner experienced this
When I was at uni, the cleaners tended to knock, unlock and open your door at the same time.

I was wandering about my room bollock naked, when I heard the cleaner knocking on the doors heading towards mine. Bugger, I thought, so I jumped towards my door to hold it shut as she tried to get in. Unfortunately, it was at that moment she knocked on my door and came in. Thus she was confronted with me jumping towards her in my birthday suit. She screamed and ran out.

I didn't see her for the rest of the term.
(Fri 29th May 2009, 15:05, More)

» Nightclubs

big fish little fish
I used to hate going to nightclubs. The music was always pish, and the beer far too expensive. And dancing, I hated dancing. So if I was ever in a night club I would do big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Now this wasn't just for a couple of minutes. I would push my way in front of some pillock who thought they were a great dancer and stand stock still, staring straight ahead, just moving my arms: big fish, little fish, cardboard box, big fish,.. The trick was to slightly vary the timing to keep it in time with the music - very easy to do. Also you have to never be distracted. People will stare at you, poke you, dance along side you for a couple of minutes and try to distract you. I have managed to keep it up for hours.

Sometimes after about 30 mins of big fish, little fish, I would burst into a frenzied "walking like an octopus" or "watching two flies" then after about 30 seconds of that I would go back to my old favourite, big fish, little fish.

I remember once I cleared a busy dance floor using big fish, little fish by standing right in the middle for about 30 minutes, after another 10 minutes of empty dance floor I was kindly asked to leave by one of the staff.
(Wed 15th Apr 2009, 12:05, More)

» Breakin' The Law

traffic cones
I've always wanted to purchase a traffic cone by legitmate means and get a receipt. Then get pissed and wander around the town carrying my traffic cone.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 12:37, More)

» Barred

I got barred from the Cambridge beer festival
There is a chap called Shaun who works at the festival and has a very silly hat with lots of badges on it.

I was a bit pissed and was standing at the glass stall stealing glasses and then trying to sell them back straight away. It was all good natured until Shaun rocks up.

Says I, can I make a comment on your hat? No you fscking can't says Shaun. An argument then ensued about why I couldn't make a comment on his hat. Over the tannoy, we heard "trouble at the glass collection, trouble at the glass collection". I looked up and saw 2 massive fat 'security' guys waddling over towards us as fast as their chubby legs could carry them. I was then frog marched out and told never to come back.

The next year I went back and they recognised me, but they couldn't remember why, so they were dead friendly to me. On the final night, I saw Shaun standing at the exit, so just as I was leaving, I asked "can I make a comment on your hat?". "Sure" says he. I says "It makes you look like a fucking cunt" and ran.
(Fri 1st Sep 2006, 13:24, More)