» Tramps

Remember, all tramps are someones child/brother/sister...
My little sister took a somewhat unorthodox route into adult life and ended up with a social circle that contained people that most wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. Despite my family's most extreme efforts*, she ended up on the streets taking god knows what. We think she was raped at least once, probably more. Pretty much the kind of place you don't expect many to come back from. My parents spent years just waiting for the call from the police/hospital to tell us she'd been found dead.

Thankfully, she hit rock bottom before she actually ended up dead and somehow found the strength to turn her life around quite monumentally. With support and some pretty amazing help from local services, she is now back to being the fun and happy person she was before. Furthermore, she has more respect for everything and everyone around her than anyone else I have ever known.

I know this is supposed to be a comedy QOTW, but before you post your hilarious story about how you pissed on a homeless guy or kicked a busker in the face, perhaps take a second to think that these people are quite often in horrific places in their lives; rarely through choice and sometimes treading a fine line between life and death. Being a twat to them is not only incredibly unnecessary but might actually send them over the edge. 50p/not being an arse isn't really much to ask of any decent human.

*anyone who just assumes these things could never happen in their family or that they would never let something like this happen to someone they know can go forth and populate. You have no idea
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 10:51, More)

» Puns

Cole's Law
Only saw this pun the other day. My misses was randomly testing my general knowledge, as she likes to do every now and then.

Q1. Do you know Newton's three laws of motion? Indeed I do.

Q2. Have you heard of Murphey's Law? Yes I have

I ask her: "Ah, but have you head of Cole's Law?"

I'm greated with a blank face and the exact line I am waiting for.."What's that?"

"Shredded cabbage and mayonaise..."

It's an awful joke. But I am quite impressed I managed to shoe horn it in.
(Fri 6th Mar 2009, 14:07, More)

» Food sabotage

Not entirely sabotaging food, but using food to sabotage other things
There was a long running game of "hide the mobile phone" while we were at Uni. Leave your phone unattended for even a second, and your loved ones has all been sent messages informing them of your desires to rim them, or how much you hate them and their fat arses etc... You would be lucky to get it back within a couple of hours.

One evening, my house mate was particularly drunk and had passed out, leaving his phone in the kitchen. So I wrapped it in cling film and sat it in a bowl of jelly. The idea was to watch him hunt high and low for it until he asked one of us to call it, and then laugh til we cried when he realised that the fridge was ringing.

Basically, jelly seems to have little respect for cling film and its attempts to keep liquids away. We returned the following day to find him sat eating his jelly, clutching his very sticky, extremely dead mobile.

The moral of the story: use zip lock bags next time
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 18:45, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

My old uni house mate had an enormous amount of pornography
on his computer. He was extremely proud of it.

While he was away on a sports tour, someone stayed in his room and decided to browse online and maybe add to the collection. 5 minutes later the computer is throwing pop ups in every direction and not responding to anything. Then the internet connection dies. Aparently it was sending more than 1000 emails a second and brought down the service for the local area. The system was royally screwed. XP wouldn't boot anymore but I managed to recover his important work with a Live CD. No such luck for the porn which was on a seperate drive corrupted by the virus.

His face was like that of a wheelchair bound child on the 1st floor landing of a burning house when he returned to find his pride and joy in tatters.
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 14:33, More)

» Nativity Plays

Early signs of logic
I was perhaps only 3 or 4 years old. My nan came to pick me up from play school and was informed I had cried the whole day and they didn't know why.
Completely inconsolable, my dear nan took me to one side to try and find out what was wrong with me.

"They want me to be a shepherd" I balled.
"Well, what's wrong with that?" nan replied.
"They put shepherds in pies!"

Genius. I ended up playing a drum instead.
(Fri 27th Mar 2009, 10:24, More)