» Cars

TWAT
In the late 90s I worked for a web design company where a few of the guys had pretty swanky motors (I had a 1.0 Micra with gingham cheesecloth seats, pah).

Anyway, one of the guys was a nice lad but had a real show-off car, a bright yellow Lotus Elan (one of the new turbo models). In a genius move one Friday lunchtime, someone in the studio decided to get a piece of luminous pink card the size of a numberplate and print the word "TWAT" on it in huge block letters, and then taped it over the front numberplate.

Naturally when your car's in a car park you don't often check the front of it, so he had no reason to suspect a thing when he drove off that summers' evening with the top down and coolest shades on - apart from the whole office gleefully waving from the windows.

"YOU BASTARDS" was his simple utterance when he got into work on Monday. Apparently he had only noticed the sign that morning, and realized it explained all the laughing and pointing of people throughout the weekend, which he assumed was down to them appreciating his oh-so-cool automobile.
(Sun 25th Apr 2010, 1:30, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Look - no hands!
A few years ago at work I went to meet some new clients. There were about 5 people in the room I hadn't met so I went round the table shaking hands with them. I went to shake one guys hand and too late I realised that he didn't actually have one - he had a sort of stump/proto-hand affair just off his elbow.

So I shook that instead.

Both of us knew it was weird. I certainly don't think I heard a word anyone said for the rest of them meeting - I just kept thinking "WHY DID YOU SHAKE THE STUMP!!!??? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WAVE OR SOMETHING??".

In retrospect though I think it was actually right for me to treat him the same as everyone else. But it still felt weird....
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 13:50, More)

» Cars

Finger Trap!
Early 90s, hot summer day in my ancient VW Beetle so I've got the window down, arm out the side, radio on, I'm 18 years old, on my own, all is good with the world.

Get to the M1 so speed up onto the slip road and onto the motorway. Eventually get up to a heady 60mph... oooh it's quite windy now, better crank up the window.

Oh, the airflow is pushing the window out so it won't fit back up into the door properly. So - pull the top of the window in with the fingers of my right hand - the 'trick' being to let go just as the window goes up into the groove.

Oh, the trick isn't working with one hand - I need to use both hands to pull both top corners of the window in. But how to crank the window up when both hands are fully employed? I know, jiggle the window winder with my knee.

Oh, I have now trapped the fingers of both hands in the window due to over-exuberant knee jiggling. Imagine the looks on the faces of overtaking cars as they notice that I have trapped BOTH HANDS in my window AND AM NOW UNABLE TO STEER AT 60MPH ON THE M1. Aaaaaargh!

Dear Reader, it was brown trousers time, and was only remedied by heart-stopping reverse knee jigglage, which probably took a few seconds but at the time seemed to last an eternity of heavy-duty sweating and swearing.

All my cars have had electric windows since then :)
(Mon 26th Apr 2010, 16:48, More)

» Cars

Thieving Fuzz!
I had a little Mk 1 Nissan Micra, twas my pride and joy and all I could afford. It even had a CD player so I could play my bangin' choons that I kept in the glovebox.

One evening me and the gf came back to the car to find the passenger window smashed, CD player gone, CDs gone, my jacket gone etc. Not only this but the bloody thing wouldn't start so my gfs dad had to come and pick us up. I got a garage to pick the car up the next morning to figure out what was up with it. I also called the police to report the theft.

I didn't want to claim on my insurance, which had a massive excess on it anyway, so I had to spend about 300 quid replacing all the stuff that was nicked. I also had to pay the garage 20 quid for diagnosing that the distributor cap had come off - weird.....

Anyway... 2 months later I got a call out of the blue from the fuzz, saying "Do you want to come and pick up all your stuff?". They had the CD player, CDs, jacket, everything. I'm like "Wow you recovered all my stolen kit!" and the lady said "Um no, the sheet says the officer came across a car with a smashed window and took the precaution of removing all items from the car, and disabling the engine to prevent theft".

"BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THAT WHEN I REPORTED IT!!!!!"

"Oooh sorry about that".

Yes that's right, the police still owe me 320 quid.
(Mon 26th Apr 2010, 16:00, More)

» Cars

Japanese Import
In the late 90s, there was a bit of a bargain to be had with imported Japanese sports cars. Fairly late one summer day my girlfriend and I went to a dealership to look at an imported Toyota MR2.

It looked the business so we took it for a test drive. They let us take it out on our own, so we had a nice blast and then I stopped somewhere in the countryside to have a play with all the buttons and gadgets. As I was looking around I noticed a funny yellow reflection in my side window - there was something on the carpeting behind my head (the MR2 has quite a confined 2-seater cockpit).

I twisted around in my seat to find, 3 inches from where my right ear had been, a bright yellow spider the size of my face.

I think I may have howled incomprehensibly as I tried to somehow jump out of the car door without undoing my seatbelt first. My girlfriend had no idea what was going on, until after I'd slammed the door shut from the outside, when she came around to peer through the window with me and screamed at the sight of the ghoulish horror within. Passing pedestrians observed us with bafflement as we clung to each other on the pavement.

After about 10 minutes it occurred to me that the garage were going to want their car back, and there was no way I was going to drive it with that lurking monstrosity next to my head. Also, I figured it was a Japanese car, so it must be a Japanese spider too, so it might be DEADLY POISONOUS. I resolved that it MUST DIE. I looked around for a handy weapon but all I found was some none-too-woody foliage. Have you ever tried to beat a spider to death with a bush? It's not easy, especially when your target is in a car and you are trying to keep a distance of at least 3 foot between you and it.

In the end I was victorious, but mentally shattered. Back at the showroom, the guy wanted to know where we'd been. I didn't bother explaining why the car was now full of bracken and bits of broken spider.

I didn't buy the car.
(Sat 24th Apr 2010, 19:14, More)