» World's Sickest Joke

Not sick but funny!
Bob is in a casino playing blackjack. He's been there all evening. He's had
a miserable run and lost almost everything. "Surely my luck must change" he
thinks to himself. "I'll give it one last go." He pulls from his jacket
pocket the deeds to his house. This represents everything he has left in
this world.

The croupier deals the cards and he picks them up. First a jack - looks
hopeful. Then a six "Sh*t !!!" he says to himself. "Sixteen - what am I
going to do." He stares vacantly at the two cards in his hand as his future
seems to ebb away. What is he going to do ??

Suddenly a leprechaun appears on his shoulder and looks at the cards and
then at Bob. It starts jumping up and down saying "Twist, twist". Bob is
awakened from his reverie by the noise and looks, slightly disbelievingly at
the leprechaun.

"Who are you?" Bob says.

"Twist, twist" says the leprechaun.

"But I've got everything riding on this. I've already lost all of my money
and car. If I lose this I've lost my house as well."

"Twist, twist" cries the leprechaun.

Bob looks at the leprechaun and thinks "Well perhaps ....." Eventually he
decides to trust the leprechaun. "Twist" he says to the croupier. He turns
the card offered. It is a two. Huge sigh of relief, perspiration wiped from
brow, buttocks unclenched. "I'm OK" Bob thinks.

"Twist, twist" the leprechaun says, jumping up and down again.

"But, it's eighteen. That's a good score. I've got a good chance with that.

"Twist,twist"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah, you'll be OK. Twist, twist"

Bob agonises for a few seconds and eventually reasons that the leprechaun
was right last time so he goes for it. "Twist, please" The croupier draws
another card - an ace!

"Wow" says Bob to himself and sits back thinking he could now recover all he
lost earlier. He is just about to place his cards face down when .....

"Twist, twist"

"What? But I've got 19. If I twist I'll probably go bust."

"Twist, twist. Go on!"

Bob thinks to himself that the leprechaun hasn't let him down yet so he
decides to back it one last time.

"Twist please."

The croupier draws the card. Slowly Bob reaches for it and pulls it up to
his hand. He looks at it. A two. Twenty One, a five card trick. He has done
it. He's got his house back, recovered all his money and made a few grand on
top. Yeeesssss!!!!!

The leprechaun who has now stopped jumping up and down is motionless,
staring at the cards. It turns to Bob and says "You jammy b*stard!!"
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 12:39, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Remember this? The ultimate cheat for teenagers in 1984
Poke 35899,0

Then theres this cheat
(Thu 17th Nov 2005, 15:43, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Boobs
Came home last week from a trip to the shops (via the pub) with a mighty pair of pendulous boobs.
"What the hell are they?" screamed my girlie.
"Just what you wanted - peachy tits".

Silly me. What she really said was PG Tips. D'oh!
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 9:34, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Another hohum
Whats the best thing about sex with 28 year olds?

Its perfectly legal.

FFS!
(Tue 14th Sep 2004, 15:31, More)

» Top Tips

hohum
The tips below are from this website:
www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/index.html


Top Tips
Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.
Make yourself into a human dynamo by wearing a pair of nylon trolleys and attaching a pair of bulldog clips to your bollocks. Then thrash about frantically as if a bee has just flown up your dirtbox. The charge formed will then be able to power a T.V (probably).
Make everyone in your office believe the cleaners are enslaved squirrels by attaching peanuts to mops and leaving them on the floor.
Annoy your friends by telling them that you've got a really brilliant hi-fi in your room. When they come in to look at it, watch their expressions change as you pull back your jumper to reveal a set of plastic udders filled with piss, which you then proceed to squirt all over them, laughing hysterically.
Tell the doctor you've got duck punch fever. When he asks you what it is, clout him squarely on the nose giving a loud resonant quack.
Show to cinema fans that Forest Gump is escapist nonsense by bringing a load of insane dysentery-infected tramps into the cinema. They'll soon change their opinion of 'lovable halfwits' when one of them ****s in their pop corn.
Illustrate the complex ideas behind the Middle East peace talks by sewing a large cloth shrimp onto the knee of your jeans.
Give yourself an elegant persona by sniggering and telling everyone your surname is Lavender.
Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.
When you're back-scuttling your wife next make sure you do it in front of a mirror. Watch her sexy expression change as you stick it up her Gary Glitter.
Commit a series of violent attacks on Roger De Coursey. When the police arrive sit there smiling and tell them that it was Cheeky Kevin who did it. Before they can take you away pull out a really poorly-made ginger ventriloquists doll sodomising nookie bear.
Make your wife into a fast breeder reactor by storing the fissile material under her chin. The reaction can then be controlled by sliding a graphite rod between her greased tits.
Play "**** Kick Sinatra (TM)" by going into a restaurant with a stereo after treading in a load of dog ****. The tape is a copy of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. When Old Blue Eyes starts to sing proceed to kick the **** onto everyone's chips.
Play pensioner pinball by not giving your seat up for some old dear on the bus. Watch and laugh as she flies about the bus completely out of control, bouncing off the other passengers.
Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going out with an owl.
(Thu 14th Dec 2006, 9:24, More)