» Embarrassing Injuries

When I were a nipper...
...there was an adventure playground near my home. You know the sort of thing: loads of planks of wood cobbled together shoddily with twelve inch nails, rope swings that didn't, huge colourful wooden logs...

Anyway, there was this thirty foot wooden slide which all the other kids used to slide down on bread crates, but me being a devil-may-care lad, I decided to forego the crate and slide down on my arse.

Cue much screaming and inability to walk as an 8cm x 5mm splinter (read: log) embedded itself in my right buttcheek about halfway through my journey and managed to completely bury itself during the rest of the slide so that we couldn't get the end of it to pull it out.

Spent six hours at the hospital having my arse sliced open and the offending article removed. Still have the scar...

Edit: Just remember: I also have stigmata on both feet. One from stamping on a piece of wood with a nail in it in our garden when I was about four, and the other from doing the same thing in a derelict building aged about fourteen, both of which went right through my feet. Couple those with my appendix scar, and all I need to do is pierce both hands and get a crown of thorns...
(Sat 4th Sep 2004, 11:34, More)

» When animals attack...

P-p-p-pick up a penguin
A few years ago, I was travelling in South Africa and ended up at a beach covered in penguins, which was something of a shock.

They were swimming around in between people's legs and sitting on rocks looking pretty so I figured that they must be semi-tame and decided that a picture of me stroking one of the little buggers would be the perfect souvenir of the day.

Two minutes later, here's me with half a fingernail missing and blood streaming down my hand into the briny blue. For something so cute, they have exceptionally sharp and scary beaks. Still, I got my picture, although the penguin's head was a blur as it whipped round to snap at me.
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 18:26, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

Just now...
I WAS going to write about the fact that I seem to always cry at the emotional songs in musicals, Disney films, whatever, and then I read this (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/crybabies/post29647/) and burst into tears.

Also, last year my Ma had to have one of her cats (Binns) put down. It was highly-strung, and had taken to gnawing all of the fur off of its hindquarters and nothing seemed to help it so she decided that the humane thing to do was have it put to sleep.

When the day came, my Ma was called into work so I said I'd do it for her thinking that it wouldn't be a problem as I'd never particularly liked the damned thing.

The vet asked me if I wanted to stay while they did it and I said yes, thinking that the least I could do was be there so Binns would have someone familiar there during her final moments.

Bad idea. As soon as the injection kicked in, she collapsed in a heap and the floodgates opened. Just remembering it now has started me off again.

I cry regularly when my bf has to go home after visiting me in London (he lives in Yorkshire).

And once, I managed to cry for eight hours straight. I couldn't stop, and thought I was having a breakdown. It turned out to be a result of overindulging in crystal meth...

DAMN YOU B3TA!
(Tue 19th Apr 2005, 12:08, More)

» Best Comebacks

Only works on blokes, but it stunned the kid who wouldn't shut up
'Ah, fuck off. You thought you had a pubic hair till you pissed out of it'
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 14:38, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Similar to Beaston's
When me and my mates were younger, we used to use 'Your Mum's Dead', and it's various corollaries, as a catch-all 'shut-up' variant.

All fun and games, until someone's mum actually does die, and you've been saying the same thing for so long that you forget to watch out for it...
(Tue 20th Apr 2004, 22:39, More)