» Not Losing Your Virginity

My first love
Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absolutely beautiful, slim figure, gorgeous eyes and long, golden hair. She was popular too - to know her was to love her. Whereas I was kind of shy and awkward, but that didn't bother Lucy, she latched onto me straightaway and we were best friends right from the moment we met.

I think the physical attraction was there right from the start too, but I was in my early teens and sexual stirrings were only just beginning to happen; I didn't really understand what I was feeling. She was more advanced than me, and from the very first time we play-wrestled, she enthusiastically tried to snog me. I resisted at first, but I soon let her put her tongue in my mouth. I was happier than I'd ever been, we were made for each other, and I thought we'd be together forever.

I was devastated when I found out she'd been having sex with Max - I actually caught them in the act. I couldn't understand what she saw in him, he was scruffy, dirty, stupid and ugly. I ran home crying and I didn't go round to see her for weeks. If I saw her on the street I just blanked her and walked by. I could tell she was upset, she had that pining look in her eyes. But I was still hurting and I didn't want anything to do with her.

Eventually I forgave her, I decided that it wasn't her fault, she required more than just friendship, she had needs. She was a bitch but I loved her, and from now on I would take care of all her sexual desires. Tragically, I realised this too late - when I went round to make it up with her I was told that she'd caught distemper and had to be put down.

Sometimes when I masturbate it almost seems like I can feel her licking my balls again.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 23:49, More)

» Conned

Bigfoot


They don't have anything bigger than a size twelve.
(Sat 20th Oct 2007, 15:49, More)

» Jobsworths

Apologies for (lack of) length
If the last line of a post reads "Apologies for length" I count the number of words, and if there are less than a thousand I refuse to read it.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 17:21, More)

» Conned

Ladies
If a man comes to the door and says he is conducting a survey and needs to see your tits DO NOT show him your tits - he is only trying to see your tits.
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 13:24, More)

» Job Interviews

Survival of the thickest - I didn't get the job
As a group exercise we were presented with a hypothetical scenario where our ship had sunk and we were adrift in a liferaft on the ocean. We'd probably only be able to grab six to ten items and had to prioritise which we'd take from a list of fifty, and why.

The scenario clearly stated that the ship had sent a distress signal and search teams were looking for us. The bad news being that if we hadn't been rescued by the time it got dark, we probably wouldn't survive the night.

So I scan the list for anything we can use to attract attention. Torch - yes, good. Mirror, aha, we can reflect sunlight and blind the rescue plane pilot. Flare gun - perfect.

But no. The team rejected the flare gun.

I protested: "But it's sole purpose is to tell people where you are - it's designed to get you rescued!"

"Yeah, but you can only use it once."

"How many times do you want to get rescued?"


So what did they want to take instead?

-Biscuits.
Now I'm a greedy bastard, but I reckon even I can last a few hours without food (days if it comes to it, though I wouldn't like it).

-Salt tablets.
Fucking salt tablets! We're surrounded by millions of gallons of salt water and they think we'll need fucking salt tablets! "Oh shit, I haven't had any salt for three hours! Quick, pass me a salt tablet before my spleen asplodes!" Fucking retards.

Committees don't work. You need a dictator.

/notbitter
(Sat 22nd Jan 2005, 18:55, More)