» When I met the parents

Not me...
but a guy I know. I dunno, he may have been pulling my leg, it soulnds like one of those walkman/wanking/mum/tea stories but it's funny anyway.

So, this guy goes around to his new girl's parents place for the first time, a big pad in the countryside. They all sit down to lunch in the conservatory and ten minutes in he needs a poo-poo, so he excuses himself and goes upstairs. He finds the dunny, clips off about a foot of dirty spine and then flushes the toilet. But when he looks again his big sweaty loaf is still in the pan! Of course, he's mortified so he flushes again. And again. After one last time, he's in a fit of panic about this still-born foal of a turd that refuses to flush away so he gathers up a wad of toilet paper, wraps it around his hand and grabs the offending brown trout from the pan. Still panicking, he opens the bathroom window and hurls it out into the garden. 'Job done, nice one Matt!' he says to himself as he goes back to finish his lunch. He's surprised to see the family looking so dumbstruck and appalled as he re-enters until he looks up at the roof of the conservatory. And there it is, splat on the glass ceiling, with a trail of brown water dribbling from it. Legend.

And my friend Ben had a wonderful time at his new girl's pad in London, and he reverses down the drive to go home the next day and tears the wing-mirror off her dad's brand new Porsche 911. Scarpered straight away, of course.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 13:59, More)

» Airport Stories

Almost a Lost Boy...
I was four and my family and I were waiting to fly off to Portugal from Gatwick or somesuch. I went exploring in the departure lounge, as kids are wont to do. I was only a few feet tall, and apparently (my memory's a little hazy here) I wandered unnoticed past a check-in desk, what with my small height shielding me from the gaze of the nice lady behind it. The gangway led me onto a 747 bound for Miami, and the 'plane had taxied all the way to the foot of the runway before a stewardess asked the lady I happened to be obliviously sat next to sucking my thumb "Could you strap your son in, please?"

Gah! The game was up! I was reunited with my family and we even managed to catch our flght to fucking Portugal. What still amazes me to this day is that it took the actions of a bright stewardess rather than my (I would hope) loving family to raise the alarm. Fuckers.
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 23:48, More)

» Jobsworths

Oh, God...
I think Simon, the manager of the Exeter Pizza Hut delivery shop must take the prize. Biggest idiot in the world. Picture poor little me, soaked and shivering after 8 hours riding pizzas out on a moped in the sleet. All I want is a bit of hot grub to keep me going.

Then picture the Hut, extremely busy on this 'orrible night when even a trip to the corner shop is out of the question. There's a huge pile of pizzas, chicken wings, wedges, you name it, all hot and stacked on top of the oven as a result of orders getting confused in the heat of the moment. They're put up there until somebody has the time to bung them all in the bin. But no, Simon says, that is all still 'company property' and anybody caught 'stealing' it will be 'disciplined'.

And you think Ryanair came up with the 'No charging your mobile at work' thing? It was Simon, actually.

Simon: Unplug your phone, that's not allowed here.
Me: But the battery's flat! What if I can't find a house and need to call?
Simon: Just unplug it, please.

1/2 hour later:

Simon: Where the hell have you been?
Me: I couldn't find the house, and my battery was flat. Can I plug it it now?
Simon: No.

I hope he's been shot. But I imagine he's a regional director of something by now.
(Mon 16th May 2005, 13:40, More)

» Injured Siblings

Hospital...
When we were kids I rolled one of those big round hay-bales over my bro's leg, it snapped it like a twig apparently. And he still has a scar on his forehead from a thrown wooden train. I locked him in a suitcase under a bed too, and forgot about him for a few hours. He's claustrophobic to this very day. And not so long ago I nailed his fiancee, but he doesn't know about that yet...
(Thu 18th Aug 2005, 13:03, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

A kid at school...
He was 16 or 17 and had it off with his friend's newly-divorced mum. I never met her but apparently she was quite fit in a pneumatic tits and peroxide kind of way. They were at it on her bed and the young lad looks up, sees his friend in his school uniform beaming at him from the photo-frame beside the bed, and without her noticing reaches out and quietly turns the picture face-down. It's the little details that make it for me.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 14:49, More)