» Pretentious bollocks

What can you expect?!??!
My sister and I went to see that dead body exhibition thing, by that mad German Dr who 'plasticises' and manipulates dead bodies into all manner of interesting poses, a few years ago in London. That wasn't the pretentious bit - that was highly amusing. It was the group of about 5 or 6 up their own arse, pretentious to the point of painfulness, beard stroking wankers who insisted on spending their visit loudly talking utter shite about each thing they saw and finding meanings that the rest of us were certain did not exist. Not only that but as some of the exhibits were excruciatingly funny (to the point where I thought I was going to burst my shite laughing) we also had to put up with their 'they know not what they do' looks and lots of loud tutting.

It did make me feel slightly better, however, when we met them on the way out and I politely informed them that I paid my admission fee and could laugh as loud as I chuffing well liked at the man with the dangley bollocks.
(Wed 28th Sep 2005, 14:56, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Vomtastic
Not me but my other half, for argument's sake we'll call him Nathan because that is his name, must hold the world record for bizarre vomit spectaculars.

The first one of which must have happened when he was about 20. Whilst standing on a train platform nursing his hangover from the night before he decided the best way to go was to get a carton of Ribena from the kiosk, rip open the top and dissolve 2 alka seltzers in it. He was feeling fantastic after drinking it for approximately 5 seconds before the Ribena/Alka Seltzer decided to make a reappearence. Not such a bad thing if it had come out as a regular pavement pizza but it proceeded to ooze out of his nose/mouth in a long slow procession resembling an enormous foam purple snake. Funny really was not the word - especially those around him waiting for the 10.20 to Grantham.

On the subject of pavement pizzas.... the second feat in his olympic winning barforama resulted in a life ban from Pizza Hut without even having to go in the front door. After a looong afternoon in the pub he decided it was a good time to go home and this involved walking past the glass fronted aforementioned restaurant. Glaring in the through the window at all the families tucking into their food was too much for his delicate stomach but rather than just throw up all over the floor he applied his mouth to the window, chucked up and blew at the same time. Result - a beautiful beer butterfly spreading the entire span of the window, lots of disgusted families and the Manager chasing him down the road.

Finally, nursing another morning after stomach he thought that the most stomach settling thing to have would be milk. This actually managed to stay down for at least 15 mins before coming back up in the garden in the form of the exact replica of a large helping of scrambled egg. I'm sure it didn't taste the same but it didn't stop next door's dog.......
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 10:46, More)

» My Worst Date

Short and unsweet
My sister once went out with a rather tasty young man who said that he would fix me up with one of his mates. As I was single and a bit bored I thought 'what the hey - he's bound to have tons of equally good looking buddies.' Arranged a meeting outside a tube station (which I will never visit again in my life) and as with all blind dates stood there looking sideways at various fine men praying that he would be the one. After waiting for 5 minutes I turned round to see a short, fat, balding guy wearing what must have been a hand me down cardigan from his dad. And yep - you've guessed it - that was my 'date'. Felt a bit sorry for the guy so agreed to go and have a cup of tea with him round at his place (it was Sunday afternoon after all) and shortly after arriving at his house he decided it would be a good idea to lock the door, hide the keys and tell me that I was so nice he didn't think he could ever let me leave. An hour later and I am trying to suggest various activites to do OUTSIDE without trying to let him smell the fear on me and hack me to death with a kitchen knife. Two hours later I thought stuff the hacking to death, told him that he was the biggest twunt I had ever met and if he didn't let me out I would kick him to death. Needless to say I escaped alive and would rather turn into a mad cat woman and die sad and lonely than go on another blind date.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 13:44, More)

» My Worst Vomit

The Straw Hat Beast
My most recent sick saga was the morning after a pretty good party at my friend's house where a load of us stayed overnight. It's on 3 levels with a toilet on each so when I felt the greasy breakfast I had just eaten start churning away I thought I'd go to the top floor where I could barf in relative privacy and no one else would have to listen to it. I was in no particular rush (this is a pretty regular occurence) so calmly locked the door, lifted the toilet seat and was about to wait for the nausea to start rolling over me again when I saw the BIGGEST poo I had ever seen in my life blocking the pan. The pathetic attempt at flushing it away was having no effect but by then the whole bending over thing mixed with trying to break the back of this beast were taking their toll. Now call me old fashioned but I just cannot be sick in the same bowl when something like that is looking back at me so I had to spend the next 30 minutes pushing bits of bacon and egg down the plughole of the sink with my thumb all the time dry retching. It wouldn't have been so bad but whoever had done it looked as if they had been eating straw hats!?!?!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 12:02, More)

» The Onosecond

Whoopsie doodle
Just a couple spring to mind....

1) I once sent a text to my estate agent telling him 'you can never have too much veg' instead of the other half.

2) I found out last week that I had set up an auto-reply on my e-mail account to reply to anyone that sent me a message from e-Bay saying 'erm, bit busy right now spanking the monkey - will get back to you as soon as this monkey is red raw'. Apparently I did this in a drunken fit of hilarity about 2 years ago and was, in fact supposed to have set it up on my boyfriend's account instead. It wasn't until finally last week, after all the auto e-mails I must have sent that someone finally asked me what the hell I was on about. Erm....

3) I am also forever pressing ctrl and enter instead of ctrl and backspace when in the middle of rage inspired work e-mails which I never really intend to send. This could possibly be why the Vice-Chairman ended up with half a sentence starting 'If you only had half a brain in your tiny little h..'

So far - God only knows how - most people still do seem to be talking to me.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 12:34, More)