» Petty Sabotage

ladies bits, and the accidental sabotaging of
I once managed to hospitalise someone by irritating her chuff with fairy liquid. And in a non-filthy way too. You see, once, when several of the girls we lived with went out on the lash, Letch and I, being skint, sober and more than a little nasty, urinated into every toilet in the block (there was only four, we weren't urine supermen) and didn't flush them. We instead emptied washing up liquid into all the cisterns. And waited until several pissed up women came back, dying for a slash, moaned about scruffy bastard blokes not flushing, and then flushing and immediately sitting down to wee. The annoyance of these lasses when the toilets bubbled up from between their legs was only countered by one of them having to be taken to hospital when the detergent irritated her "lady-garden" which swelled up (to probably elephant-like proportions, but I can’t be sure) and became very, very painful.
But it was funny at the time. For everyone who heard about it to her immense displeasure.

Apologies about the length, language, amount of comma’s and stuff.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 18:26, More)

» God

Pityfully poor but, the time when...
...some Jehovahs Witness' children transferred to our school.
Cue the joke that I've only ever been able to use once....

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Your mum and dad.
(Thu 19th Mar 2009, 22:58, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Weak but true
My good friend Dirty Horse once had a week off from his job as a phone monkey in Leeds because he had sore lips. Thats it. Mildly chapped lips. And he phoned up and told them he wouldn't be coming in because of it. Genius.

And then during the summer, got up, dressed, drove through the appalling rush hour traffic to get to work just to decide he couldn't be arse and phoned up to say he was ill from the phone box directly outside his work.

His boss who took the call was watching him...

"...so I can't come in because I’m really ill..."

"...but isn't that you across the road on the payphone?..."

"...No, No, it's just someone who looks a bit like me..."

...and leaves the phone swinging as he scarpers up the street.

Never got sacked for it either.
(Wed 14th Jun 2006, 19:31, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

inverted
written upside down on the back of a door in the toilets of the student union bar in Bradford...

"help I'm upside down"
(Mon 7th May 2007, 17:16, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Idiots and Alcohol
I run a pub in an old building here in sunny Bradford, and with the building being old, and a pub I thought it should have a ghost too, so I made one up.

I told a few people that I had seen an old man in a grey suit and trilby hat walking past the end of the bar, into a small room and then disappearing. Wow! A ghost! They were terribly excited. And then people started to tell me that they had seen the ghost too. Exactly as I had described it. More and more people. And then more and more people could see it. And they told everyone.

And then we had fucking ghost hunters in (yeah, I never realised that there were people sad enough to do that either but to be fair it was probably their first time in a pub ever, the big geeks). They noted temperature fluctuations and all sorts of clever stuff that proved sod all. I begrudgingly realised then it had gone too far.

So I came clean. There was no ghost. I had made it up. I thought every pub should have one so I made it up. Some people believed me and some didn’t.

It just goes to show that if people want to believe something enough, (and presumably are gullible and drunk) then they will actually see it and make other people see it too.

And since then I have actually seen the old guy at the end of the bar.
Twice. Weird huh?
(Sun 23rd Apr 2006, 14:27, More)