» My Wanking Disasters

Come baby come baby, baby come come
I remember this like it was yesterday (even though it was about 12 years ago). I was bashing away in my living room to the video to Come Baby Come by K7, with my parents in the next shitting room, fer chrissakes (this must have been during my 'horny as a dog' phase). My mum walked in, I covered my shame with a nearby cushion and hoped that she didn't notice. But she did.

Only she didn't think I was wanking. If she did, the story wouldn't have been half as bad. No, she thought I had taken a biscuit from the kitchen, and thought she'd engage me in a bit of jovial tug of war with the cushion covering my rapidly shrinking penis. This went on for about 30 seconds, her laughing as she tried to shed light on my supposed theft, me terrified I'd flash my mum and she'd find out I was flogging the horse to a music video.

Eventually, she noticed the sweat dripping down my forehead and my teenage grip won out against her maternal tugging. I turned away, cock still hanging out, and ran down the corridor, laughing maniacally. To this day, I don't know whether she figured it out or not.
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 17:56, More)

» Housemates from hell

Oh Big Sam
Used to live with two guys, Little Sam and Big Sam. Little Sam was quiet, tidy and non-confrontational. Big Sam was loud, 'crazy' and liked the drugs.

Anyway, one particular week I'd had a bad cold and the bin in my room was full of snotty tissues. After work one day I come home to find Big Sam looking suitably ashamed.

"I want to let you know I did something I'm not proud of," he said.

Alarm bells.

"I really needed a shit, and there was no toilet paper in the toilet. I checked the whole house and all I could find were the used tissues in your room."

Okay.

"I need to know. Was it snot or jizz? Because I wiped my arse with them."
(Sat 7th Apr 2007, 2:48, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

This is probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen

They'll sell anything these days
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 20:44, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Long story short: I quit my job because it was shit
and I have five or so months until Uni life begins, which means getting acquainted with the joyous activity of temping. I'm an agency virgin so was a little nervous about applying for shitty jobs, but a good night on the lash the night before helped me overcome my fears.

Anyway, the initial interview (to see if I am suitable for the exciting world of paper filing) went without a hitch, I even started to impress myself. Then, we stood up, shook hands and the job lady asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. "I'm a bit hungover actually, I'll probably go back to bed," was my genius reply. I'd have been better off saying "Actually, there's a few dead hookers in the boot of my car, I'd better dispose of them sometime today!"

I've still not been given any work.
(Wed 21st Apr 2004, 0:21, More)

» Job Interviews

Nice going, dipshit
Having just quit my job to pursue my university course, leaving a rather scary chasm of six months in between, I decided I better do a bit of temping work to swell the coffers in the meantime. I sauntered along to the local job agency and flew through the interview, got chatty with the lass behind the desk, everything went very well, she asked what my ambitions were, how I would be suited to their company and how I would appropriately represent the agency were they to give me work etc etc. All of this went well.

Until the post interview handshake and goodbye chat.

As anyone will know, the interview stops when the interviewee stands up and says something like 'right then, we'll be in touch'. Cue a massive wave of relief that you've done all right, and a sudden lapse in concentration.

"So, what are you doing for the rest of the day?" she asked.

"I'll probably go back to bed, I've got a massive fucking hangover," I replied.

I might as well have said 'well, there's a few dead prostitutes in the back of my car that I really should get rid of'. At least it would have shown I was industrious. Still, they gave me work. Opening envelopes for the Tory party on minimum wage.
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 0:14, More)