» World's Sickest Joke

With apologies to Jimmy Carr
I was talking with my girlfriend last night, and she asked me if I wanted to have a baby. Now this really got me thinking. I mean, it would change our entire relationship, we'd start calling each other mum and dad, we're not even married, would that be a problem? We'd never have time alone together, and of course there's the money, bringing up a child is pretty expensive nowadays, you've got clothes, food, toys, school, all that tots up, plus why don't I just adopt? There are loads of underprivileged kids out there, having my own kid isn't just about wanting a little version of me running around. Am I really mature enough to be taking care of another human being? I mean I'm a pretty useless person, what's to say I wouldn't just get locked up for child-neglect? Also, my girlfriend and me have differing opinions on religion, would we get it baptised? send it to a Christian school? But then again, it's a very precious thing, it's what you were put on this earth to do, you love your kid unconditionally, they take care of you when you're old, they can give you some of the best moments of your life. So I weighed up all the pros and cons, and decided, no. Unfortunately, by this time I'd already cum. Thankfully, all over her tits.
(Mon 12th Dec 2005, 17:39, More)

» Fire!

Grandad!
My favourite story about fire is not from the old chemistry classes where one boy used to inhale gas and breath fire, quite successfully, or where we made huge paper bonfires in the middle of the classroom without getting bollocked by the ravingly incompetent teacher, my story comes from the annals of history.

My Grandad fought in the war, dontcha know, and apparently, on the troop ships they used to have, the latrines basically consisted of a load of seats in cubicles situated over a stream of water that carries your effluence out from under you and over the side of the ship. So my Grandad sees the system, and being the ingenious fella he is, goes to the kiddeminster at the top of the flow, the first one, and sets fire to a scrunched up ball of newspaper doused in petrol. This is then dropped down the lavvy, into the stream of shit, and passes along, singing the arse hairs of each soldier, and supremely pissing them off in the process.

But then again, it might be all bollocks. And that's one minute of your life you'll never get back.
(Fri 4th Nov 2005, 19:07, More)

» On the stage

"Do you want to buy some decent music?"
I've only been on stage once since my childhood acting days, which were rather nifty if I say so myself. Anyway, a few friends have a band Silver Electric and were playing at a fairly low rate school based gig. They played, rocked, and went off. Then along came some Blink182 wannabe bastards who sounded awful and had some pug-faced ginger twat as their singer who sounded like some Grange Hill reject. Now my friends had recently released an album, low-key of course, but they were selling copies at this gig. So, having had a few drinks, I said I should really go and try and sell this aural-rapists a CD. Jokingly. Of course I was egged on into finally doing it, walking on stage looking a bit wasted, going up to aforementionned ginger twat and saying "Do you wanna by some decent music? Only £5" Cue several hundred people getting the impression that I was a hammered obnoxious dickhead....which was fairly accurate. Anyway, while on stage, apparently one of my friends, who had been encouraging me to do this, shouted out "Get off the stage you fat chinese cunt!" perhaps the best heckle heard that evening. So I went on stage as a heckler, and was myself heckled, why the hell did I need to post that story?
(Sat 3rd Dec 2005, 21:57, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

I hate pantos
What's the funniest thing about Panto horses?

You have to shoot them twice.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 21:33, More)

» Teenage Poetry

What a coincidence
How strange, I was just sitting, bored, in a chinese opera, with my parents (I'm still a teenager see) and made up a poem based on my mate Tom, who I think is a bit of a bummmer, even though he hasn't actually sucked a bloke off. Anyway, I think fate has conspired to lure me out of lurk mode.

Got a friend who's name is TJ,
People think that he might be gay,
Because he gave some guy a bj,
He claims to love the asian poontang,
But the only asian thing he likes is.....
WANG!
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 16:08, More)