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» Accidentally Erotic

This is the best QOTW ever
It's both hilarious AND arousing.

LOL! *throb* ROFL! *twitch* LMAORGASM!!
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 19:53, More)

» Scary Neighbours

hammers!
my neighbours are always doing DIY, banging away at the wall with their hammers.

Yesterday they called me a paranoid freak. In morse code.

Bastards.
(Sat 27th Aug 2005, 15:02, More)

» Misunderstood

LMAO!!!
When I was about 4 my uncle came round once while my parents were out shopping.

"Untle!! I is huuuuungwy!!" I cried. So he went into the kitchen to make me some cereal. As he came in stirring the bowl he sat me on his lap and said "Here comes the choo-choo train!" so I opened my mouth like a good boy.

So you can imagine how embarrassing it was when he began penetrating my tiny rectum with his haggered old penis. He didn't mean my mouth!! And the "cereal" was actually KY jelly... D'oh!!

How we laughed as he explained he would kill my parents if I ever told them.
(Sun 9th Oct 2005, 11:17, More)

» Near Death Experiences

First year at uni
Living away from my parents I was terribly excited at the prospect of independence and responsibility.

To get things going I thought, "I'm going to cook myself my very own meal!" and so I got a lasagne ready to put in the oven.

Not having ever used an oven before, I remembered hearing people talk about "pre-heating" so I turned the oven on and left it for half an hour.

I had forgotten that this oven required you to light the inside with a match for it actually to 'heat'. Thinking "d'oh!" I ran over and lit a match inside...

My memory of what happened is a little hazy but I do remember a sound much like 'KABOOM' emanating from the oven, accompanied by an enormous ball of fire. I felt myself thrown across the other side of the kitchen by the force of the explosion.

Somehow I wasn't burnt at all, but if there's one thing I learnt from this experience, it's this:

Don't EVER use an oven. It's simply not worth the risk.
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 12:18, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

Kitten murder
this wasn't the last time but it was the most dramatic, in that i was sitting in the street and just sobbed for an hour following a phone call from my parents.

Apparently my cat Mr Blonde (who was only a year old) had gone missing for a few days - he had never been gone more than a few hours before. Anyway, apparently he returned home, meowing pathetically and with a footprint-shaped dent in his side, bloody and with maggots everywhere. Some fucker had stamped on him.

He died literally within 5 minutes of making it home. Which meant that for 3 days he was suffering but he still needed to be home before he died.

I would be happy to go to jail for murder if I ever found out which cunt did it.
(Sat 16th Apr 2005, 10:35, More)
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